(Closed) Feeling bad for having a "better" wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Beehive
Post # 46
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

Everyone has different tastes, different budgets, etc. As long as you aren’t asking her how much she paid for things, telling her how much things cost for you when she hasn’t asked, then don’t worry about it. It’s one-upping if you say “How much did you pay for fake flowers? Well I paid $x.yz for REAL flowers” that’s not good. 

We had a formal wedding but we got an insane deal on it. What looked to be a $50k+ wedding was much much cheaper because of the deal we got. I know a few people getting married now and I have been asked some questions and the only time I have given the price is when asked. And only with things that they can find out themselves – like the venue costs (which is right on the websites).  

Post # 47
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I might be missing something, but when did your friend tell you that she was upset because your wedding is ‘better’?

Spending more doesn’t automatically make your wedding better than hers. I’d get off your high horse and stop thinking you have to pity people who make different choices than you do.

 

Post # 48
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

 

Post # 49
Member
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Bullseye2014:   I just feel badly about it because im not trying to gloat to her about it, I just dont know how to not make her feel bad that I will have those things and she couldn’t.

I get the idea that you are assuming she really cares about your wedding choices. She very well may not. Do not feel guilty and do not assume she sees your choices as anything more than YOUR choices. Sounds like her choices worked out just fine for her. Hopefully your choices will work out equally well for you.

Post # 50
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Bullseye2014:  

  1. Don’t tell her what you’re doing for something unless she asks.
  2. Don’t share the price with anyone. So unnecessary.
  3. You’re comparing the two weddings. But don’t assume she is. The memory of her wedding day won’t be marred because you used real flowers and she didn’t.
Post # 51
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Bullseye2014:  I understand what you mean. Those more expensive things won’t guarantee your wedding is better than theirs, but you feel that they may have wanted to have some things that you are having and they couldn’t because they didn’t have quite a budget.

This is happening to me right now. I’m the second of my friends to get married (and in Spain I’m marrying quite young!) and my friend was 22 at the time, with not a big budget. Their wedding was adorable and beautiful but, for example, they went to Disneyland Paris for their honeymoon and we are going to Disney World and one friend said jokingly: “So, you are copying her, but doing it better to rub it off?” I was mortified, first, because of course I don’t think I’m trying to “pass” her, and also I think a wedding is beautiful on its own, no matter the money, but the differences are there and I don’t usually talk about our wedding plans with this particular friend.

Post # 52
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Bullseye2014:  I sorta know what you’re saying.. like depending on what friends I’m with – there are certain things I feel awkward talking about… ex. going to expensive resturaunts or shopping at expensive stores, going on far-off vacations… and I guess the same could be said for expensive wedding details. Don’t let the other bees bully you into thinking you’re a jerk, I understand where you’re coming from.  

Not sure I can really offer any advice, other than it’s probably one sided – as in she probably cares far less about it, than you do, and probably doesn’t feel bad.  

Post # 53
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

Why are you even talking about money with your friends? That is T-A-C-K-Y.

Post # 54
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

Bullseye2014:  From your post, i think your assuming that she will feel some type of way when in actuality, she may not. She had the wedding SHE wanted. Maybe she thinks that those things are frivilous and although nice she wouldnt have wanted that at her wedding. Maybe she was saving for a downpayment on a house and opted for a budget friendly wedding. Maybe she didnt want to kill a whole bunch of flowers and therefore opted for fake ones…

My point is, unless she has told you that she is uncomfortable with what you are sharing with her, you should not assume… because she may misinterpret your “concern” for micro agression and that you do think that your wedding is better simply because your walking on eggshells.

Post # 55
Member
14987 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t see the point in feeling bad for a wedding that may or may not be “better” just cause more money was spent on it.  Would you feel bad for buying a more expensive house?  car?  handbags?  Do you feel bad for any of it, knowing there are people that barely afford to eat?  There will always be people better off and worse off than you, what’s the point in worry about such things as long as you’re not throwing it in their face and rubbing it in.

Post # 56
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

Bullseye2014:  This is a pretty condescending post.

My Maid/Matron of Honor is getting married 4 months after me. My guest list is 100, hers is 300. They’re spending waaaaaaay more money on their wedding than I am, and I’m fine with that. Because I personally think it’s a waste to spend that much money to entertain people (half of whom she has never met). But that’s her choice. Do I think her wedding will be better than mine? No. Do I think  mine will be better than hers? No. 

Money has nothing to do with it.

The best wedding I have ever been to also happened to be the most low budget.

Post # 57
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000

Bullseye2014:  Here’s the thing. Most of the time a friend will nod and listen when someone talks about weddings, kids, buying a house etc, but it may as well be white noise. We all have our own lives to get on with and aren’t nearly as concerned with the minutae of the lives of others. You might feel bad, but she likely hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care. Or, if she’s past her teenage years, knows enough about life to not assume it’s fair. She’ll nurse a bit of envy, and get the heck on with her own life. 

Post # 58
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

MichiganGirl24:  +1000

Obnoxious, condescending, snotty and a few other adjectives I won’t mention. As someone who had a low-budget, small wedding, I’m glad I’m not a ‘friend’ of the OP’s…

 

 

Post # 59
Member
7882 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

A wedding was not a huge priority for me and my husband.  So we had a $5000 party above a bar.  We make significantly more money than almost all of our friends who all had more fancy weddings.  One shouldl not discuss money/budget/finances with friends.

Post # 60
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 1988

Soon2bmarried123:  countingstars:  I agree with both of you. OP’s original post is very much a “humble brag”. It doesn’t really matter that she put “better” in quotes.

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