(Closed) Feeling bad for having a "better" wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Beehive
Post # 61
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

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Bullseye2014:  I totally get what you mean, my taste is much more elaborate and over-the-top than any of my friends. Try looking at it as everyone has the wedding that’s best for them, and you’re different from your friends, so you’re wedding is going to be different as well. I doubt they’ll be calling you out on you floral budget during the reception, so just relax and you’ll be fine. Besides why would they know your budget? 

Post # 62
Member
13889 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get it.  I had a family member ask my mother how much I spent on flowers at my wedding – my mom tried to change the subject and get off money, but they wore her down. Turns out, my flower budget was their entire budget — and they spent the next two months telling me how I overpaid and comparing my wedding to theirs.  

Different doesn’t mean better.  You have different priorities.  My advice is not to dwell on the cost of things, and not to discuss the cost of things.  You pay what you want to pay, and your friend can pay what she wants to pay.  End of story. 

Post # 63
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Bullseye2014:  I would understand some of your concern if you and your friend were planning your weddings at the same time. But she’s been married for how long already? I highly doubt she’s thinking of her past wedding and how it compares to your more expensive one. If anything, she’s probably asking you details, including costs, to make good conversation and show that she’s just as interested in your wedding as you were about her wedding. I think that perhaps you’re projecting some of your own thoughts and feelings about the potential “superiority” of your wedding and assuming your friend is on the same page.

Post # 65
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

On the flipside, I feel bad for people and the money they’ve spent on their fabulous weddings. So your friends might be sitting there feeling bad for you thinking you’re spending all this money while they pulled it off for half the price! 

Post # 66
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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Bullseye2014:  I spent very little in terms of what is “average”. I have no regrets. I know that I’ve definitely asked my friends who have had splashy weddings the details about their events, and trust me, I have NOT felt jealous of them whatsoever.

Think of it in a positive way: your friend gets to live vicariously through you and gets to go to an awesome party, and she doesn’t have to pay for it at all, NOR does she have any of the stress! (If I were her, I’d be really excited! Plus, she can relive the wedding experience and pretend with her new husband what it would have been like if they had paid a lot more!)

I would share with her ALL of the details if she asks, because if she’s like me, she’d be excited to know!

Post # 67
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

Bullseye2014:  I would hardly call stating my opinion “fighting tooth and nail”. I really don’t care how much you spend on your wedding and I’m sure your friend doesn’t either. And it’s condescending for you to think that she’ll be upset because you can afford to spend more. I’m not upset that my Maid/Matron of Honor is spending more on her wedding. I doubt your friend is asking how much you’re spending on things, you’re probably wanting to tell her. So just keep your mouth shut. 

I think you want her to care. Because you want to feel superior. That’s cool man. Your friend is going to be laughing all the way to the bank because she probably had a kickass wedding on half your budget. 

Post # 70
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

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Bullseye2014:  I didn’t have to fight tooth and nail to make a post. I just hit the ‘add comment’ button. Literally. Because my laptop is touch screen. (I bought it with the money I saved by doing the envelopes myself instead of hiring a calligrapher. True story, bro.)

Post # 71
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Sorry but did it ever occur to you that that maybe your friend chose not to spend as much or that, I don’t know, more money poured into a wedding does not make a better wedding? or that perhaps materialistic things shouldn’t be what really matters about the wedding? The issues you’re having are totally your own and not your friend’s. You can buy lots of crazily expensive designer stuff that’s super ugly in many people’s opinions. That’s not to say your wedding won’t be beautiful, I’m just saying don’t ever equate money with ‘better”. if you do you’re just buying into the manufacturer’s myth and all they want is for you to spend as much as possible on your wedding day.

Post # 72
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Her day will always be the “better” wedding because it was the day she became her partner’s wife. It has nothing to do with the money. Can money buy those vows you wrote yourself? The way your partner looks at you when he/she sees you for the first time in your wedding dress? All of that is special, worth more than all the money in the world.

I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings over having a “better” wedding than hers.

Post # 73
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

The people jumping down OPs throat need to pull it back a little bit. I understand feelings of guilt and being uncomfortable that you can afford more than someone else, whether or not that makes it ‘better.’ Personally, I have good friends getting married in 2 months and I think their wedding is going to be spectacular, but I know that I feel awkward talking about planned features of my own wedding because I know they were specifically things that my friend wanted for her wedding but couldn’t afford. 

Post # 74
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 1988

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Bullseye2014:  I don’t remember mentioning my wedding budget so, how do you know if it was a “lower” budget?

For the record, we were married 26 years ago so whatever our budget was, I’d say our ROI is pretty damn good!

I stand by my earlier comment. However, it wasn’t a “nasty post” just a comment on words you posted to a public forum.

Post # 75
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Unless she’s making snarky comments about it to you, or making you feel awkward, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Everyone has different budgets. As many have said, don’t offer too many financial details about it. I’ve had people ask how many carats my ring is, or how much it costs and I just say “a lot” or “I don’t know.” Be vague if it makes you uncomfortable. It’s none of her business to know the cost of anything.

On the flip side, be sensitive to not come off as humble bragging, or saying things that may sound judgmental about her wedding. 

My fiance and I are having a small wedding. A lot of family members and friends think it’s because we can’t afford it, and will make rude pitying comments, but in reality, we just wanted a small wedding. 

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