Post # 1
I’m 31 (my husband is 32) and we’ve been married for 2 years, but no kids yet. I went to a birthday party yesterday for my cousin’s little girl. Several of my cousins were there and it kind of hit me that I felt out of place for being childless.
I come from a pretty big family. On my mom’s side, there are 9 of us that grew up as cousins. We are all adults now and I’m the only one who hasn’t had any children (except for one who is devolopmentally disabled and homebound).
I guess at the party I kind of felt like I’m not really on their “level” since I don’t have kids. When they get together they talk about raising children and pregnancy and stuff and I just have nothing to contribute. I wonder if they look at me like I made selfish choices… I chose to move away from my hometown and pursue a master’s degree and travel internationally instead of having kids right away.
I felt a little sad, to tell the truth, and wondered if I’ll ever have a child of my own so that I can do the whole pregnancy/kids’ birthday parties/etc stuff. Although I know those are NOT good reasons at all to have kids.
I have a ton of fears about having children, mostly outlined here. After a weekend spent visiting in my hometown, those fears are still quite strong. I wonder if I’ll ever do the “kid” thing like my cousins.
Can anyone relate??
Post # 3
every day lately, someone i went to school with announces that they’re pregnant. i’m not married yet, but i have such baby fever it’s not even funny. however, i’m smarter than that. and won’t be having babies until after the wedding. mostly because we’re SO not ready yet.
i think that when you truly feel ready, you’ll be ready. if that’s now? so be it. if it’s in a year or two or five? go for it. but i don’t think you’re not on “their level”. i think you did your own thing, and that makes you who you are. i don’t think your choices were selfish at all, i think everyone deserves to make themselves into whoever they want. and you seem to have done that. so don’t ever feel guilty. ever.
Post # 4
I’m really behind then. I’ll be 38 next month with no baby.
Post # 5
@Miss PumpkinPenguin: I’m 31 and just married 2 months. I’m also 5 months pregnant. 3 months before the wedding, we decided to just start trying. We both had, and still have, fears about it. But the fears for us, we less strong than the desire to have a child. We were fortunate enough to conceive on the first try – which I somehow thought would never happen at 31!
I am the baby of my family and basically everyone else has kids. I can totally relate. But, you’ll be ready in your own time. Or…you won’t be ready and you’ll continue to be happy the way you are!
No need to stress about it!
Post # 6
@Miss PumpkinPenguin: I also think you’ll be ready in your own time. We have all gone through baby fever & wanted a baby because we see the cute little sides of children. However, i think it’s important that you & your husband pace yourselves & have a baby when you two are good and ready, especially mentally ready. Good luck!
Post # 7
When your ready or if your ready is up to you, not them.
Its natural to feel left out of any group that has something in common that you do not share so I think, if you dont already, make an attempt to make some friends or join groups (meetup.com) that share your interests that dont center around child rearing.
I definately feel the way you feel right now. We have decided to have kids and I have a lot of the same fears you have. Mostly we decided we would have a kid next year because I cant imagin NOT having kids later in life. I am 30 , Darling Husband is turning 32
Post # 8
I can kind of relate, as I don’t have kids either. But then again, I don’t plan on having any ever! 🙂
I think you need to isolate what you’re concerned about. You would feel just as out of place if you were at a party full of astronautical engineers (or whatever career you’re not in). But you can still laugh and talk and ask questions and be involved in that way. If you don’t want to have kids, great! If you do, just enjoy the time and freedom that you have right now, and soak up the advice you can from the moms around you. 🙂
Post # 9
We are 31 and 30. I’ll be 32 before we think about trying to get pregnant (he’s the young one). I know how you feel – all of my friends have at least one kid and my SIL is pregnant with our family’s first baby in a long time. She and my (younger) brother have been married for 5 years, though – we’ve just been at this for 5 months.
I’m not worried about it though. We’ll have kids when it’s right for us. It’ll be better for everyone that way. 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
I’m 35 now and felt very similar when I was 31. In fact, I noticed my body’s response to those discussions changed around age 31. From 26-31, I had serious baby fever. I joke that my cells were screaming to reproduce. At some point in the year that I turned 31, that feeling just faded out.
I’m at the point where most of my friends and siblings have children (we had a gaggle of ringbearers at our wedding…it was hilarious!). We love all of them. We love that there are literally dozens of kids running around who consider us their aunt and uncle. If talk of pregnancy and babies bores me, I change the subject. It’s amazing how eager friends with kids sometimes are to hear about business trips and other things going on in the lives of people who aren’t parents.
By The Way, all choices about reproduction, whether the result is to have kids or to remain child free, can be seen as selfish. Don’t label yourself that way and think that those who followed the expected, traditional path are in a better place.
Post # 11
WOW! thanks so much for all the insight and support! i just logged on to see all your responses awaiting me, and i do feel cheered up by your reasoning and support.
<3 the bees, <3 the hive!
Post # 12
I’m 30, and married 4 months. We are waiting until I’m out of college and get a job before having a baby. Or at least until I’m out of college. There are some background medical issues so we don’t know how long it will take.
Yes, sometimes I feel that being childless is bad, but other times, I look at what I’m doing now and just think that there would be no way to get my MBA if I had a newborn. And then I hear about how a friends kid just played in the garbage, and I think I’ve got the good life now. So maybe I’m OCD, maybe I’m crazy, but mostly I’m content with where I am, knowing that right nows not the right time.
Post # 13
It’s your choice whether to have children. I have 3 kids myself, but there are plenty of childless couples in my family: 2 brothers-in-law and their wives, and one uncle and his wife, and one (deceased) aunt and her husband. All are old enough that I’m sure they’ll never have children. I’ve no idea how they feel deep down, but I never judge them in the least. Nor do they seem at all uncomfortable around my children. I’ve never noticed any “awkward moments” when talking about families.
In short, some couples go childless, it’s the way the world is, and a good family will accept that.
EDIT: And if you do have children later than them, that’s ok too. My nephew is way younger than all his cousins, and my teenage kids adore him!