Post # 1
I don’t know if positing here will help but I’ve been feeling so emotionally drained lately and needed an outlet to vent…(sorry in advance if my post is all over the palce).
I posted about a year ago about having doubts about my then-fiance and now we are broken up for about 4 months now.
I finally decided to follow my intuition and break up with my fiance of 1 year (total of 4 years together). I never broke up with anyone before and this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Although we had some challenges in our relationship, it was very important for me end things on a good note. We shared a beautiful chapter in my life and I wanted to show him that even though I can’t commit to him anymore, that I appreciate our time together and all the memories that we have shared.
When breaking things off with him, I explained that this is a change I need to do for myself, and that I felt like I lost myself in the relationship and I need to find myself again, and overall not ready to commit to anyone. At first (following the confusion and anger) he was very supportive and felt that I also needed to have time for myself so I can build my confidence and be more independent. He would message me here and there asking how I am doing and how he is proud of me for this change (Even though its hard for him) would even tell me that he has changed and that this time apart has made me realize things about our relationship and believes we should give it another chance. I appreciated him sharing this with me but I told him I can’t do that. Every time I would tell him this, we would fight because he didn’t understand why we couldn’t get back together. This cycle has been going on for a few months, with him messaging me being positive and supportive and me being happy that we can be on such good terms but then the conversation goes into why we cant repair our relationship and then a fight all over again.
This is so upsetting to me because I felt that I put in so much effort to leave things on a positive note because I respect him so much but I feel like this is all blowing up in my face. The more positive I am with him, the more I think he mistakes it for us getting back together (even though he says hes being nice regardless which I don’t entirely believe–i think hes being nice under the conditions that we will get back together).
Just a few days ago we had a big fight because he messaged me asking if I can really live my life without him and that he loves me so much and he doesn’t understand why we can’t try again. I felt that he, once again, put me in a position to hurt him all over again by explaining to him why things aren’t going to work. I got mad because i felt that I was finally moving forward with my life and he came in and just made me take a million steps backwards. Our conversation ended in the worst way possible and he told me that we should just leave it like this and cut communication. This makes me devastated, especially after months of trying to keep things positive.
I don’t know what to do. I know I need to just move forward but the way we ended things makes it so hard to do so.
Was I wrong to try to be so positive? Or is he trying to make me feel guilty? I don’t know 🙁
Post # 2
Yes in a way. Heard of “cruel to be kind”? If you want this time for you–then do it. Don’t leave him hanging. Tell him you truly want the space and maybe you guys can touch base again after six months. At the 6 month mark, keep it short and sweet. If it starts escalating to anger again, cut off the conversation and say “it’s nice catching up with you and i would like to keep it this way”. Hang up. Don’t leave him misinterpreting your actions–done is done. It would only get easier with time for him. Also you will get precious time to be by yourself without spending more on worrying about this drama.
Post # 3
You need to cut off contact with him and completely let go of the relationship.
I’m not sure why you are trying SO hard to make things positive with him. You ended the relationship, there’s no reason to still be putting in this much effort.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You weren’t wrong to try and want to end things on a positive note, but it’s clear that he can’t handle having you in his life without being in a relationship with you. Cutting communication is the only healthy step you can take right now, as he isn’t capable of being your friend.
Post # 5
Yah you need to minimize communication. Most people can’t be friends and regularly communicate with exes. Especially serious ones. He needs to actually feel the break.
Post # 6
You are all right, I need to cut off communication.
the reason why it’s important to me is because he’s been such a huge part of my life for so long and I can’t bear the fact that he hates me.
its just hard leaving it like this
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2017 - Ocean front
Agree with other posters…..it was YOUR choice you ended the relationship, so put a period and very move on! Your trying to control his emotions by keeping yourself in the relationship (and to make yourself feel better….that is selfish) and this sounds more about you and controlling how he feels by keep him in your life?? That’s not right, its not fair to him…..move on and let him heal. You said you needed to find yourself outside of the relationship so you don’t need to “keep it positive” as YOU ended it. Let him start over….as you chose to leave.
Good luck bee….in the end you’ll both be ok. :+)
Post # 8
Maybe it was my mistake for trying too hard even if I had good intentions because that could have led him on
Post # 9
I was with my fiancé for two years before we broke up for two more years. We’ve been together again for 7. We could NOT speak during that time because it was too difficult. We weren’t meant to ever just be friends. It’s too hard. So I think cut all ties. And see what happens in 6 months.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2017 - Ocean front
confusedbridetobe11 : i should add that it was VERY brave of you to end things for whatever reason if you didn’t think it was right….that’s very hard, and takes guts, esp after years together. :+(
Seek counseling to help you sort thru these confusing and sad feelings and in time you never know, but itis not typical for people to be able to just flip a switch and just be friends (esp if both parties didn’t agree or want to end it) as deep feelings were involved so you both need to be on your own and down the road (waaaay down) if it was meant to be…..it’ll be. :+)
Post # 11
You need to leave this guy alone, I’m sure he feels massively strung along by you keeping in touch so much and being over friendly/ nice to him. It’s harsh, but you’re being selfish here. At the end of the day you two were engaged and you broke it off so you don’t get to be the one to decide that it ends on a positive note.
Post # 12
As others have said, definitely need less communication. I can appreciate why you’re trying to spare his feelings as much as possible but at the same time, look at it from his perspective: He (probably) still loves you, still wants to be with you, and feels completely frustrated and helpless by the fact that he can’t change your mind despite desperately wanting to be with you.
It hurts for both sides of the breakup (for different reasons, I suppose). But I guess some time apart is for the best, and you can reassess how much or how little you want to do with him down the track.
Post # 13
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
I have to agree with everyone else, you need to cut off contact, if you were in his shoes and he’d ended it and you were still hopeful of a reconciliation how would you feel?
he clearly still cares and is possibly under the impression that you’ve only broken it off to go find yourself and feel more you, constantly staying in contact and showing you’re happier is more than likely making him think “well she’s done what she wanted, maybe we can get back together”
its a tad salt in the wound for me
Post # 14
You’re not being fair to him by keeping contact. Best to sever all ties, have no communication and let him get on with his life and find someone who does want to marry him.
Post # 15
I read your previous posts and for the life of me don’t understand why you left him. You made it seem like he was so good to you and his family loves you. You obviously still care because you want some form of relationship because you’re texting him a ton. Was there something more to end it or was it all about your family not approving?