(Closed) Feeling broken hearted and used by MOH…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I do not know her and I do not know you but I would say do not let her host the shower and seriously consider if you want her there on your big day if you cannot reasonably talk about things and your feelings before then. It seems it is a one sided friendship and I am not sure why things changed so drastically, I would say some space, distance and some soul searching is in order.

Good Luck and enjoy your upcoming wedding

Post # 4
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Genesis31:  +1!

The Bridesmaid or Best Man that offered to throw the shower should. She seems to understand what the shower is about–you! 

From your post, it seems like you’ve been forthcoming with your feelings but your cousin refuses to acknowledge them. That’s really sad. Family or not, she should be way more considerate, especially considering this event may include her, but it’s not about her.

I think your best option is having an open discussion with her once more, only because she’s family. I would have said cut her loose if she were just a friend, but this has more repercussions. You’ll know after that talk whether she still is worthy of the Maid/Matron of Honor title.

Post # 5
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think there are a few angles to this:

1) You need to decide if you want her as Maid/Matron of Honor. If you truly don’t, you need to talk to her, let her know how you feel, and ask her to step down to either just being a regular Bridesmaid or Best Man or a guest.

2) Your BMs and mom need to communicate with her about the shower. That’s between them, and not your problem to shoulder. Let your mom spearhead it if she’s not responding to the other BMs.

3) The bachelorette trip/wedding gift – It’s her money to spend how she chooses, I would just try to put that part out of your mind even though I know it hurts you. I’m a giver too, and it sucks when it feels like someone can’t be bothered to reciprocate, but you have no control over it unfortunately.

Post # 6
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JackiMoon:  She asked me how she can fix this.

That sentence stood out to me, out of everything else you said.  So, how can she fix this?  Will you let her fix it?

You seem to feel she owes you a lot.  You’ve been there for her, through thick and thin.  And you feel as though she’s not returning the favor.  Maybe she feels as though you were her friend (and cousin) when she needed you the most and that you unconditionally loved her.  Going through a divorce is a painful and awful process, and you were good to be there for her.

I don’t understand what you want from her, exactly, more than she is giving you.  She is hosting your shower, but you doubt the purity of her motives.  You are angry that she is spending too much time with her new SO. 

You are expending all this energy on seeing all the negative things about her.  How about letting her be herself and love her as she is, flaws and all?  After all, she is your cousin.

If you feel so strongly negative against her, and if she’s a bad person, are you really sure you want her as your Maid/Matron of Honor on the most important day of your life?  If so, why? 

Try to remember some good and positive things about her, as well as all this negativity.  It will do nothing but help you feel better if you do. 

Post # 9
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Kick her out, promote the other Bridesmaid or Best Man to Maid/Matron of Honor.  Done!

Post # 11
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry you are going through this:(  This all seems sooo complicated and like this is a wound that started a long time abo and is finally surfacing.  Do either of you have deep seated resentment/jealousy towards the other?  I’m not judging, but the following passages make me think…

Then she went on and on to tell me how selfish I am and how I should be happy for her being in a relationship and how I should support her! Um… not really sure where any of that came from.

maybe her feeling came from something you wrote here:

Then in September when I told her I was engaged, she got a new boyfriend. A guy that her friends had been trying to hook her up with since she finalized her divorce. She’s never thought he was good enough for her, but apparently when I got engaged…

You sound like you disapprove of her boyfirend, or at least the way they got together.  You also sound like you think she only hooked up with the guy because you got engaged. Again, you know the situation better than any of us, but if I I was in love with a man I would not want my best friend to make light of the situation.  Do you support her relationship?  If so, approach her and have a serious sit down where everything is laid out on the table.  Tell her what you want for the shower, but remind her that you love her and need her by your side.  If you two are like sisters, it would be a shame to kick her out.  That would take you down an irreversable path.

Post # 12
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

What sunflower said plus it does sound as though you think she owes you. If that’s coming across to her it could be setting her off. it seems like there’s more going on here , I would be curious to hear what her side is.

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