Feeling bummed about the wedding…need advice!

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m sorry you’re going through this, Bee. Although it is a disappointing to feel your friends don’t care as much as you thought they did, I think what you’re going through is pretty common. As brides, our weddings will always be more important to us than to others, even if we think it should be important to everyone, especially those we have chosen to stand up with us the day-of. The thing is, though, people have their own lives and their own worries and stresses to deal with. One of my BMs is pregnant, and so naturally my wedding isn’t the most important thing she has going on in her life, friend or no friend, and I have to understand that.

Look at it this way: Your friend was seemingly upfront and honest with you about her ability to do MoH duties, and it sounds like she’s been having a rough time, so I would take a deep breath and cut her some slack. When you speak to her, apologize for overstepping boundaries by sharing her personal information (doesn’t matter who is right or wrong here) and let her know that if she thinks she may be in over her head with your wedding, you are fine with her stepping down. 

It seems like everyone else in your party hasn’t done anything wrong except not be as excited or helpful as you think they should be. I understand your frustration, but you’re just going to have to let it go for your own sanity. Really, BMs aren’t there to be at your beck and call and help you plan your wedding – that’s between you and your Fi (and maybe your parents). Really their onyl true responsibility is planning your bridal shower and bachelorette (and really, most of it ends up falling onto the MoH, as it did with mine and a few of my friends). And, as a sidenote: Fi’s sister is one of my BMs and she is late for everything. She is just a self-centered person and that is never going to change. You need to stop worrying about everyone else’s motives (“Oh, they showed up late or didn’t seem excited for this or that so they must not care!”). Nope. This goes back to other people having their own lives and conflicts. 

I’m sorry to hear that your mom isn’t very enthusiastic about dress shopping with you. You mentioned your ex-MoH is the only one near you, but maybe you could schedule a time that your new, official MoH could go with you? Maybe if you set up an appointment and invited your mom she would end up going? If all else fails, going alone isn’t so bad. You can look at it in the positive way that you won’t have to deal with others’ pesky critiques and opinions! 🙂 

Enjoy this time. Don’t let the negativity you’re feeling (or perceiving) from others ruin it. You cannot worry about others right now. This is a time for you and your Fi. 

Post # 4
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Bee. I really feel for you because I’m going through a lot of my own bridal party issues too. My relationship with my best friend of 14 years was going sour over the last few months and she recently “broke up” with me, not only stepping out of the wedding party, but out of my life altogether. She’s no longer attending the wedding, nor are her parents, who I’ve known for years. My other bridesmaids are recent graduates, and really don’t have the time, money, or interest in doing all the traditional bridesmaid stuff, which I would have loved. It sucks, since FI’s GMs are super into everything. Another non-bridesmaid friend tried to throw a little afternoon tea shower, but nearly everyone declined since they are out of town. So many of my friends and guests declined the wedding itself too, some offering reasons but most none at all.

It’s tough – I think we are brought up as thinking weddings are super duper big and important occassions, but in reality they are just one expensive weekend for out of town people and nowadays especially, people are really busy and doing their own thing all the time. Especially if your BMs don’t all know each other or are spread out, or maybe have never even been a bridesmaid before so they might not know what it entails, there really isn’t an incentive for them to take effort :(.

I hope you and your mom figure out the dress fitting at least! As for the girls, the best thing you can do is take care of some of their expenses, like hotels or the dress. 

Post # 5
59 posts
Worker bee

I can also relate. It’s partially my fault as I chose not to have bridesmaids, but my family also lives in another country so I wasn’t able to go with my mom and sister to try on my dress. It’s hard to do that without their support, but I just went with a friend. You can even ask a non-bridesmaid to come with you, my friend was happy to be invited. For my bridal shower, I actually planned it myself as my maid of honor/sister doesn’t live here either (she’s in Europe). It’s not ideal, but I knew if I wanted it, I’d have to do it myself. When I share updates with my family, they seem sort of interested, but not in the way I thought they’d be. My family isn’t offering to pay for anything either, which I totally thought they would. But, this is my day with my fiance, and I don’t want to spoil what is supposed to be a great time in my life. Just do what you can to make the most of your situation. My friend (who is not a BM) is planning my bachelorette. Maybe you have a friend who can do that for you? 

Post # 6
1194 posts
Bumble bee

Wait so she’s so upset and crying even when dress shopping with you all because of a guy she’s been seeing a few months? Um… I just wanted to tell her to get a grip.

With all that said, I think that no one is going to care about your wedding and your wedding planning as much as you do. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. 

Society (well women in particular) like to hype up the day as the happiest day of your life, that’s a lot of expectations. It’s almost guaranteed to disappoint if you put so much expectations on it. It should be a happy day, you shouldn’t have be worry about negativity on the day, but you also shouldn’t expect perfection. You can remove those that are unwilling or negative about participating in your wedding from having a role and just invite them as guests. Keep things simple. Keep expectations low. And you’ll have a great time.

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