Post # 1
My friend Kelly was not very supportive when I first got engaged, but then she got engaged shortly afterwards and then came around. She was 2nd string bridesmaid (came in when one girl dropped out) but if she wasn’t so cranky/negative about my engagement in the first place, she would have been first choice. She was pretty uninvolved in the wedding planning, as my childhood BFF from another state helped me plan everything. Now that my wedding has come and gone, she is planning hers and I am doing everything I can to help.
She will be having 2 BMs in addition to her Maid/Matron of Honor. Her Maid/Matron of Honor is not me. The Maid/Matron of Honor is Valerie, and Valerie has done nothing for this wedding. Kelly is even paying for everything for Valerie, despite her and I being in a similar financial situation. The difference is that I would never expect Kelly to pick up my slack! I have done so much work for this wedding (on my own free will, of course) to the point that vendors think I’m the wedding planner/coordinator. I have more contact with the vendors than Kelly does. This is because Kelly is a perfectionist when it comes to the dress, the flowers, and the aesthetics in general. I know that a proper party needs to have all points considered, from music logistics, to vendor coordination, to wrangling all the out of town guests and getting them the information they want/need. I also know she gets manic when planning something so I want to take the weight off of her shoulders and be the voice of reason where I can. I do all of this knowing that I am “just” a bridesmaid.
The reason Valerie is Maid/Matron of Honor is that she would lose her mind if she wasn’t, since she has been friends with Kelly since grade school. I get it, in a way, but then again I don’t. How do you give credit to someone who isn’t doing even the BARE MINIMUM?? Valerie and the other Bridesmaid or Best Man, Laura (Kelly’s college friend) are both weirdly possessive over Kelly and look at me like I am a threat, which is frustrating. My 3 BMs are all really good friends now, and I don’t see them all loving each other as a threat. I don’t get it at all. They both want to be lazy and then resent me for being a supportive friend to Kelly. I would love to form friendships with these girls, but they are making it so difficult!
It doesn’t really sound like it from this snippet, but Kelly really is a good friend. She has even told me a few times (drunkenly) how I deserve to be Maid/Matron of Honor but that Valerie would throw a fit and she gets really possessive. To me, that doesn’t sound like Valerie is a real friend and it is frustrating to hear.
Please reassure me that not being Maid/Matron of Honor yet doing Maid/Matron of Honor duties is a reward in and of itself. I get a little butt hurt when I read bridesmaid blogs/books/articles and it outlines what the Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to do, yet it is me doing all these things.
I added a poll for fun!
Post # 2
This is very weird to me. I have never expected my Maid/Matron of Honor or my BMs to help me with actually booking and planning stuff outside of my bachelorette. Other than that they help with things like setting up the shower beforehand, keeping my veil straight, being there for moral support and generally supporting me. Why is your friend having her wedding party book things for her? Maybe this is a cultural difference I don’t know but i would never expect that of my girls. Not to mention, look at the extra drama it’s causing! You girls need to really get some perspective and your friend needs to step in and take back control of her wedding unless she really doesn’t care if her wedding party plans it. In my experience wedding planning has never been expected of the bridal party.
Post # 3
I have nothing constructive to add…but a) I feel like she is taking you for granted and b) I would never be in a ‘group’ relationship like this–for anyone, that is just unreal. Good Luck, you’re a good friend.
Post # 4
I really don’t get it. So you wanted to be her MOH? But in your first paragraph you said she was a “2nd string bridesmaid”.
My bridal party/MOH didn’t help with my wedding planning at all, but I didn’t expect them to. My wedding was planned by my Darling Husband and I, my mom, and the venue wedding planner. In weddings I’ve been in as a Maid/Matron of Honor, I’ve helped plan, but only because they asked and I wanted to. If I wasn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor, I would have done the exact same.
Planning isn’t part of the Maid/Matron of Honor role. It’s only something someone does if they like it.
Post # 5
Well first and foremost. The wedding party is just that wedding party. They do not have to at all help plan the bride and grooms wedding that is on you know the bride and groom. And any part of the bridal party planning the wedding is above and beyond what they actually have to do. The wedding party is just to be standing up for you. That is the only real thing that needs be done
Post # 6
My Maid/Matron of Honor only had one job — Show up. I don’t think it is appropriate to expect the world of a bridesmaid or maid of honor. If a bride was requiring me to do everything for her, I’d step down.
Post # 7
I’m a little confused. First you say that Kelly was a “second string” bridesmaid, and then you talk about how she is your close friend, and you are upset that you are not her Maid/Matron of Honor. She obviously appreciates everything you are doing, and trust me, you are going above and beyond. I wouldn’t worry about who is Maid/Matron of Honor or who is this bridesmaid or what. You don’t have to be the one to make all the phone calls to the venues, out of town guests, etc. If you’re not happy that you’re not getting the recognition or title, then don’t do more than is required of you. Just be there for your friend and don’t worry about the rest. It isn’t really about who is who or who does what anyway, is it? Especially if you are doing it because she is your friend, and not because you want the recognition. Just don’t worry about it. This isn’t a middle school popularity contest. It’s a wedding.
Post # 8
First of all, I think you are being an incredibly nice person and friend. Please try and consider your friend’s point of view: She already asked Valerie to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, and there is no way that she can ask her to step down in favor of you without ruining that friendship. If you aren’t comfortable continuing to help with the wedding, you certainly don’t need to continue– you sound like you have helped enough! But otherwise, you knew you were not Maid/Matron of Honor when you started helping the bride, so it really isn’t fair to have hard feelings about it now. I’m sure the bride would have chosen differently if she knew how things would play out.
Post # 9
I always find it strange when people think that a BM/MOH has to do X, Y, and Z things to earn their spot in the wedding party yet the Groomsmen and the Bridesmaid or Best Man don’t have to do anything to earn theirs. It’s great that you’re helping out so much, but just because you are doesn’t mean you deserve to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. The wedding party is choosen because those are the people nearest and dearest to the couple – NOT because they can afford the dress, are super awesome at DIY, can attend X number of dress fittings, or are the best party planners.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - The Defoor Centre
Songstress_7: Exactly, I would not think of having anyone to book no more than the dancer for my bachelorette party. I do not like being left in the dark about what is important to me. Maybe she should lay back and let the people who are responsible for the things she is handling to let the Maid/Matron of Honor handle it or let the Bride herself take control. It almost feels like she is feeling some type of way.
Post # 11
chickenbreeze: This is currently my life. I am not engaged yet but I am helping my friend plan EVERYTHING. I have been to too many bridal shows, cake tastings, wine tastings and wedding appointments than I can count. I threw the bridal shower AND the bachelorette party…but I am NOT the Maid/Matron of Honor. Her family member is from another state. It kinds sucks because people do ask if im the Maid/Matron of Honor, but what can I do? Nothing really. Like you said, I did this all of my own free will. Why? Because I am damn good friend, and I just don’t want to stop being one because I am not the Maid/Matron of Honor. And to be honest…I don’t think I need to be Maid/Matron of Honor to help a lot. She also wouldn’t be my Maid/Matron of Honor (I have two sisters that I am very close with)…so I get it. My friend obviously needs the help. If she was acting like she didnt appreciate it, I would tell her it wasnt cool and move on. But she isn’t so, I’ll keep helping. Our friends know who is working hard for them, and thats all that matters. Best of luck to you!
Post # 12
FutureMrsJefferson: huh…this thread has been very educational for me. I guess maybe it’s just not the way it is where I live or something but none of my friends had me or any other members in the wedding party involved in actualy wedding planning and booking. I mean, I htink they’d help if I wanted them to but it’s just not the norm. They are fantastic friends though and are always there for help and input if I need them. This has been very interesting to read. 🙂
Post # 13
You are doing these things because you love your friend! As simple as that, i dont think you need a title to determine if you are going to do more or less. Some people just rock at this, like you and soem people its just not their niche. It is sad to see that your friend Kelly would ask someone to be ther Maid/Matron of Honor because she would through a fit if she wasnt, and unfortunately that is her issue. Just know that youhave done all that you can, and that your friend is hopefully appreciative for it.
Post # 14
Songstress_7: Not gonna lie to you, I had no idea other people could be this involved either, haha. But my friend is an only child and only her mom lives here in state. She has 5 other bridesmaids and no one…no one lives here. They are sprinkled all over the country. One of them even lives outside of the country. Im sure if more people lived here, family or friends. It would be different.
Post # 15
I’m in this situation but I am the bride. I only have two girls, my best friend is my Maid/Matron of Honor and my cousin is my bridesmaid. The thing is that when you’re picking your maids you don’t know in advance who is going to be more involved. I thought my best friend would be a good Maid/Matron of Honor, we live close together and have been very close for many years. My cousin lives further away and we are close but not as close as my friend and I. It turned out to be the opposite. My cousin has been so helpful with DIY projects, she would be out every weekend if I needed her, and she organized my bridal shower/bachelorette party. My Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t even attend. I feel bad that I can’t change the titles, but it would cause so much unnecessary drama. I just make sure that my cousin knows how much I appreciate all her help. Your bride appears to be in the same situation. Just continue to support her and know that she really appreciates what you’re doing for her. I’m sure if she could go back in time and change your titles she would, but once they’re set it’s very difficult and could damage her relationship with the Maid/Matron of Honor. In the end you know that you’re being a good friend and supportive bridesmaid and that’s what’s really important. The title isn’t the important part.