Feeling Changed – Update 2

posted 4 days ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

sweetdee89 :  How do you fight those feelings of what if? How do you not focus on the good aspects, missing him and not get drawn into it?

 

OP- hard truth time- your BEST case scenario in this game is if your boyfriend follows through with his promises and gives you slightly more attention then he was giving before, stops following his ex on social media, and doesn’t make you give away your cat. Or put another way, the best thing about your relationship you can say is “it isn’t too bad”.

If we were to assign letter grades to your boyfriend, he’d be at a C minus or a D. Your “negotiation” might bring him to a B minus or a C plus. If he maintains it. Is that really what you want? A guy that, at BEST, will be an okay boyfriend?

 

Again, he looks good to you because I get the impression you don’t want to be alone. You’re not going to turn this C into an A. (Spoiler alert- you know why he can’t be an A? Because A guys are A guys because they WANT to be A guys. This guy wants to maintain a status quo with you. He doesn’t give a shit about actually being an A guy).

 

You will have to give yourself a chance to be single to find that A.

 

You are contemplating settling for a C who has to be begged to up himself to a B. No. No. No.

Post # 62
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.  Or you will marry this guy and then you will be posting here about 3 months in about how you have made a mistake.  

And I say this as someone who settled and believed him when he said he would change and try harder.  I wish someone had told me to run far far away and not get married.  But i got married and 2.5 years later I got divorced.  

 

 

 

Post # 64
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee

sweetdee89 :  it’s a tale as old as time and you see it on these boards daily.

There were good parts to our relationship, but it was also very often a struggle.  But everyone told me that was normal and relationships are hard and you really have to work at them and it’s ok to vent and be annoyed at your SO.  So I kept on going thinking that everyone had these struggles.

It was a constant cycle of me expressing my feelings, us arguing, him saying he’ll try harder, tries harder for a month, then he falls back into his old ways…rinse and repeat.  It was like my life was a broken record for years….same shit happening over and and over.  

Of course he made me seem crazy to have…gasp…FEELINGS!

But I married because I thought this was all normal and how all relationships were.  Then about 2.5 years into it, I could not handle being so miserable and never being heard in my relationship.  I would have rather been single FOREVER than have to deal with a constant battle.  We were together for 8.5 years total.

There is so much more to the story including emotional manipulation and abuse, gas lighting and emotional cheating…and he decided that he didn’t want kids after I expressed that it was non-negotiable (but it was a blessing in disguise as I am extremely happy to not be connected to him for the rest of my life).

 

Post # 65
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee

And yes, relationships are work, but they are not hard work.  If you love and respect your partner, it’s very easy to want to make them happy.  

My SO and I have been together for 3.5 years and it has been easy.  It’s never a battle or a struggle and we respect each other.  

Post # 66
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sharpshooter :  exactly. 

It’s normal to need to work through disagreements, but in a healthy relationship those disagreements are viewed by both parties as a challenge that needs to be overcome, and one another are viewed as a teammate not an adversary. 

When you’re disagreements start turning into fights where one or both of you are trying to win rather than find common ground, the relationship is failing. 

Post # 67
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I am younger than you, but I feel like we’re living the same life, (or I was until I realised there was nothing I could do)

 

I forgave, I gave into compromises. I also moved in with him, he said he would do anything for me to make sure I could keep my cats, it took 4 weeks before I was scream crying my way to a no-kill shelter rehoming my cats because his allergies were ‘too much’ and I was selfish for loving them more than I loved him.

He tricked me, promised me everything I needed from him and it lasted 2-3 months of living together, he showed his true colours again and went back to his old ways, he also lived at home before me, I had been living out of home 4 years prior to living with him and I became his surrogate mother, all his ‘compromises’ went out the window and it was his way or the highway and every single time I voiced my concerns I was ‘love bombed’ into forgiveness and stayed.

When he shows you who he is, beleive him. I didn’t I took those steps thought I could ‘fix him’ but he knew he was lying to me, he knew he was playing me, and he won. I spent 1 year living with him in HIS home, I wasn’t allowed to have my things out. (It made the house look girly) I was on a strict diet because he wanted to manage my weight, I became trapped and a scared shell of a human to the point I got so depressed I couldn’t stop crying every day. His response was ‘go get some help because you being miserable ruins my day’

The day I started therapy I posted on the bee asking how I can fix MYSELF to be a better girlfriend for him, because he was always so critical. 
EVERYONE gave me the harsh truth INCLUDING my therapist and I made a plan to leave. But I wish I had never gotten myself into that situation in the first place. Things got WORSE after the promises not better. Not everything will be the same, and I can’t predict the future, but if I could go back and slap some sense into myself that PEOPLE ARE WHO THEY ARE AND THEY CAN’T CHANGE unless they’re willing to put in YEARS of therapy & work.

7 months with someone does not make you responsible to see his changes through. Please re-consider everything you have posted.
I’ve followed your other posts and you seem so SURE and so confident, and this post just hits my heart so hard knowing exactly what has happened he has convinced you otherwise.

Please PM me if you need. I am HAPPY, IN LOVE and FREE of compromising my most important aspects in my life now, leaving was hard. But not as hard as living with someone who only cares about themselves and their best interests.

Post # 68
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Where do you live? Is there a serious shortage of men there? 

Post # 69
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

This is a fruitless endeavor. 37 year olds who still live at home simply do not have the capacity for change that you’re expecting to see. Sure, he’ll “try”his new tricks, but it won’t take long before he’s back to his usual lackluster game.

Post # 73
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

going2bmrsc :  I hope you got your cats back. If not, you haven’t learned much.

Post # 74
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

sunburn :  i’m sorry EXCUSE ME?!.

I haven’t learnt anything because I didn’t get my cats back?
I don’t know if you even READ my story but I gave them up after a few weeks to a no Kill Shelter, they had new families well before I was strong enough to break out of my abusive relationship.

I have learnt A LOT from that experience and for you to even ASSUME I haven’t because I made a terrible mistake for a man who I thought loved me? Yes I have learnt. Maybe you need to learn some compassion. I’m sure you’ve never made mistakes before. ffs.

Post # 75
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

going2bmrsc :  I have  plenty of compassion….for animals. For people who throw them away for someone they “love”, not so much.

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