Post # 1
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
I realize this is stupid, especially in the “big scheme of things” way. This morning we were joking about engagement, and I found out he wasn’t actually planning on proposing to me until March of 2011… when I was expecting a proposal at least by end of summer into the fall, and hoping he wouldn’t wait until the last minute in December when my timeline had ended. What upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to even think about the timeline discussion, or really any discussion we had even though at the time he seemed thoughtful. When he saw how hurt I was, he said he’ll change the date but that would really only give him “October, November or December” of next year, and that wouldn’t be a surprise.
He says he wants me to be in college, to meet my parents, and for his brother’s wedding to pass. I understand the latter two, but now am feeling defensive about college. Is this some sort of prerequisite of engagement now? Am I not good enough before then?
This means I won’t be getting married until 2013. I feel like he isn’t sure, like maybe I’m not good enough. My entire family always asks and pressures, my friends, my coworkers. I’m sure you all know how it is to get the well-meaning question from a coworker, “So…… when do you think?”
I don’t even know what to do right now. I am so deeply hurt that I don’t really want to be around him, but we have plans for tonight. I don’t know if I should not talk about it, talk about it, or anything. I feel embarassed that I inferred we’d get engaged this year and I even told my family and friends.
I just feel like a defective person.
Post # 3
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
OMG you’re not defective! Talk to him – calmly, if you can – and ask him the question about college point blank. The other reasons do make sense, but ask him about the college question. You deserve to know. Also, be honest with him about the timeline, remind him of previous discussions. Please let him know how you feel, and please don’t blame yourself for him waiting! There’s nothing wrong with you, Tacos!
Post # 4
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
are you sure he wasnt pulling your leg? the week Fiance proposed, he told me (literally the 2 days before the proposal) that he thought maybe we should slow down the wedding talk….he did this to THROW ME OFF!!! I started crying, but I stopped marriage talk completely for those two days, thinking that i was scaring him….Then he turned around and popped the question a couple of days later, all within his plan! Dont feel bad, seriously, I am sure he has stuff up his sleeve and wants to catch you off guard as much as possible.
Post # 5
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Re: the college thing. No, it is not a prerequisite to being engaged generally… but maybe it is for him? I don’t know what your situation is or what your career goals/plans are, but maybe he is worried that you are not motivated career-wise? I don’t think it is unfair to want to know that your partner has career goals and aspirations that they are working towards before you commit to being with them. Once again, I have no clue what your situation is so maybe you are working towards your goals in other ways… but (call me what you may), I wouldn’t marry someone who hadn’t completed a degree program, gotten a job, and shown some kind of ambition in that arena of their life.
Post # 6
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
awww ((((HUGS)))) tacos!!! what a crappy feeling.
i think men just need to feel like things are secure, and it seems like your man is just looking out for your best interests and for your long term security. i know it doesn’t feel like that at all right now, but think about it this way: even if you haven’t finished college by the time you get married, you’ll be well on your way to having a degree that will get you an awesome job and if (God forbid) anything should happen to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, you’ll be able to support yourself, which I think is really important in this day and age.
i totally know what you’re going through with all the questions from family and friends (i got lots of “did santa leave you anything sparkly under the tree this year?? ugh!!), but they will be understanding if your timeline shitfs a little. i think you should continue to negotiate with your man and maybe try to reach some sort of compromise? it seems like there is some happy middle ground that could be found so you just need to keep working on it. the timing of your marriage can’t be totally about fulfilling his needs and meeting his criteria. there’s a happy solution, i know it.
Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
Tacos, how old are you? He still hasn’t met your parents? If you are still ‘college age’ and by that I mean 18-22ish, he might have a point. When you go away to college you change so much your old self is almost unrecognizable. People change dramatically during those years. And also, he might be afraid that you’ll give up your dreams if you’re planning a wedding and I guarantee that will come back to bite you later.
Sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear right now. The other thing is, I gave Fiance a timeline too and we did have a few serious ‘timeline’ discussions. He would also make light comments about when he might propose and it was waaaay after the end of my timeline which lead to me giving him an ultimatium (and meaning it!). He wasn’t taking me seriously. He hadn’t bought a ring. He thought he could drag his feet and since I loved him I’d be okay with it. Let me tell you, I wasn’t and he realized I was serious when I told him to move out and decide what he really wanted. We got engaged about a week later. The thought of life without me FINALLY sunk in and scared him so bad. Now, he thanks me for pushing him.
So think about what is really important to you and stick up for yourself. But if you are ‘college age’ I would seriously recommend changing your attitude a little about the timeline. You were right – in the grand scheme of things it’s not that important as long as you two end up together.
Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
Oh mmmtacos I’m really sorry. I would have a very very calm discussion with him about his memory of the timeline. I don’t like that he’s ignoring it as if it isn’t important. Him being ready to get engaged is really important but so is how long you’re willing to wait. You gave him a timeline and now he’s acting as if it doesn’t matter. That’s not cool. If he didn’t feel comfortable with it he should have spoken to you about it otherwise he should be expecting you to break up with him (I know you won’t actually break up with him if he needs more time but he needs to communicate his needs). He’s got to take you seriously.
Post # 9
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
I have a career which I am able to support myself with, but I make under $50K. I would like to go into pharmacy, but I am unable to get grants because I “make too much money”.
Mr. Tacos makes a lot of money. More than I would make even with my pharmD. But he doesn’t spend it. I do understand his feeling that I need to be able to support our family should something happen… but for me to quit my job, in this market, and start school without really knowing where we were going…? That is the most difficult part. I have to really take a leap of faith that he’ll be there for me, because no one else is in a position to help. Should we end things, I will have to quit school and hopefully find a job with comparable income to support myself again fully.
Post # 10
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
My Fiance was adamant that we both had to be out of college and with jobs before he would propose. He refuses to be the reason I make choices and if I had found my dream job in a different location than him he wanted me to take it. I don’ think there is anything wrong with waiting.
Also I was getting all the when are you getting engaged question before hand too. We started dating my senior year of HS and he didn’t propose until 9 months after I graduated college.
Post # 11
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
@moderndaisy, 27. He is 30. If we wait until after I graduate, I will be 34.
Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
Whoa mmmtacos that changes things a lot. I would strongly strongly advise you not to start college without a wedding ring, not even an engagement ring. What is he thinking?! You can’t depend on him without that legal protection and get totally screwed in case of break up. If he wants you to go to college and not get married yet he should be willing to sign a legal contract saying he’ll support you or something. He’s probably just not thinking but this sounds very fishy.
Post # 13
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
Is he willing to transfer the entire cost of tuition of two year into your bank account right now? If not he has no business pushing college on you.
Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
Hmm.. Okay. The problem I would have is that I would be depending on him for financial support while in school without any kind of commitment from him. That is understandable. Can you turn the tables on him and say you won’t go to school without a ring? I know it’s kind of extreme, but I can tell you are upset about the situation. You need to feel comfortable and safe in the relationship, I can tell you for sure I didn’t feel comfortable and safe living with Fiance before we were engaged. Hence, the ultimatim.
Post # 15
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
tacos – you have a good point. i think, then, you do need a REALLY firm commitment if you’re going to quit your job and go to pharmacy school. (yay for that – my mom is a pharmacist!!). i still advocate negotiating but i think you need to be firm about having “sealed the deal” if you will if this is your life plan and you should both be supporting each other’s decisions.
Post # 16
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
Mine wants me to graduate college…(december of next year) Don’t focus on engagment you probably might drive him nuts and then he’ll be like forget it all together. Focus on school, have your own things apart from him, which I’m sure you do all ready. You are still very young..I am too (22), but engagement…marriage isn’t all it is cracked up to be so why rush it…maybe he feels you are immature and need to grow..(I hope I didn’t offend) My SO is really my first bf..I have dated before, but he is my first real relationship, and he wonders whether I need my time to enjoy life go out dancing meet other people before I get married so I don’t feel resentment towards him..but of course I am mature enough to not even mention it anymore..we’ve discussed it …and it will happen when the time comes…you should be worried about making your relationship last ..and take care of what you have …talking about it …pressuring him is only going to scare him away…because guys are stupid like that.
