Feeling conflicted and confused about my relationship… advice please!!

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

 

hallowbee :  Did you post this recently then delete it? I swear I read the exact same post like last week or something

Post # 4
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think you will probably get the same advice as before…

1. Sounds like you have outgrown the relationship.

2. The grass is not greener and you are just muddying the waters by flirting around with some work guy.

3. Consider respectfully and lovingly finishing the relationship and being on your own so that you can learn who you are as an individual. You’ve spent all of your formative years attached to another person, some alone time would probably be beneficial.

Post # 5
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Since this is your first/only relationship, I think maybe it’s natural to wonder what else may be out there or to wonder if you’re settling in some way.

I also think that a lot of people place unrealistic expectations on their partner to fulfill every single one of their needs. It’s just not possible or fair to place that kind of expectation and pressure on your boyfriend. That’s why you have friends, family, co-workers, etc. to fill in the gaps. 

I think it may be helpful to identify what your deal breakers/must haves are. If having intellectual debates with your partner is on that list for example, then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. 

Post # 6
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper

The time you’ve spent is gone, no matter what you decide now. Try counseling if you think it’s worth it, but a sexless relationship in your 20s?? It sounds as if you’ve outgrown him. It sounds as if it’s time to move on. 

Post # 7
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

This is the exact same post have been posted before.

Post # 10
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

hallowbee :  Why haven’t you had sex in 8 months? Do you masturbate without him or do you simply not have a sex drive? You’re very unclear about this issue. And what does he say about the lack of intimacy? 

There is nothing wrong with having a friendly and polite relationship — if anything, politeness is a key differentiator between successful and unsuccessful long term couples. And the idea that your partner needs to “challenge” you is strange, frankly that seems like nonsense out of a romance novel. Yes you should feel your boyfriend is an intellectual equal but why do you need to have debates with him? Debates about what?! It sounds as if you think he is beneath you intellectually, is that true?

The overall tone of your post is that you view your boyfriend as more of a little brother, are not in love with him, and that you do not want to stay with him but are afraid to disrupt your life by leaving him. Is that accurate?

You don’t need to stay with a guy just because there’s nothing glaringly wrong. If you want to leave him (and it sounds like you do?), go ahead. In fact, the sooner you do so the better — it’s unfair of you to stay when he could be out meeting a girl who *is* certain of him, and vice versa for you. But don’t muddy the waters with other people — the guy from work is a fantasy, and the “connection” you felt with him simply could not have been that deep, because you didn’t have any sort of real relationship. That feeling you had is called infatuation; your mistaking this for a deep connection indicates immaturity.

Post # 11
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So I’m gonna tell you pretty much what I told you last time.  You’ve were in his life to help him get past a growth slump.  Now that he’s capable of functioning without you (even though he may not want to) its time for you to concentrate on YOUR future.  I get your guilt but you cannot live you life simply to keep him from pain.  Just because he is a great guy doesn’t mean he’s the guy for YOU and you know this.

Really if you’re being honest with yourself, he’s becoming more of a brother than a lover isn’t he? You can’t reverse those feelings once they start.  You already know you’re going to hurt him eventually. Your “connection” with that male friend is proof.  You can only lie to yourself for so long and staying with someone you aren’t in love with only leads to resentment and more hurt.

You both deserve to be with someone who is wholeheartedly crazy about you.  If you love him, step aside and let him have that.

Post # 12
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

 I agree with mrsttobe2019 : . It’s not healthy to seek fulfillment/challenges from your partner. YOU have to fulfill yourself, YOU have to challenge yourself. I think this is a misconception. It’s not like: “I’m in a relationship with you so I hand you over the responsibility of making me happy.” This is YOUR responsibility.

And I would definitely think about things you absolutely don’t want to miss in a relationship in order to see if those things are present with your partner.

How often do you see eachother?

I think you’re just in some kind of rut and in a phase where you ask yourself where you’re life is headed to, thus the overall uncertainty.

Maybe you should try to figure things out for yourself and go to individual sessions?

Post # 13
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

valintine :  There’s nothing wrong with wanting an intellectual equal in a life partner; indeed, spirited debate is one of the cornerstones of many great relationships.

Post # 14
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

anonymousbee001 :  Did you not see where I wrote “You should feel your boyfriend is an intellectual equal”? 🙄

Post # 15
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

valintine :  No – I also didn’t miss the tone suggesting something was wrong with her if she concluded he wasn’t or the incredulous inquiry lacking understanding as to why she would want someone with whom she is able to debate.

There also isn’t anything wrong or nonsensical with wanting a partner who “challenges” you, as long as it’s constructive and healthy.

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