Feeling confused about getting married. Need some helpful advice please.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

no one can say if you’re ready to marry or not- but you should marry with full intention of wanting to do so… I dont think that will help much but its something to think about

Post # 4
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Sweetkb:  I don’t have much advice except to ignore what others say about him and focus on what you feel about him and to really think about this decision to get married. Even if you are about to walk down the aisle and you decide you don’t want to marry him, don’t because a divorce is going to be so much worse than lost money from a wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Attraction is a major part of any relationship, some more than others. Although the comments from family don’t help the situation, I get the feeling that you genuinely felt those feelings yourself. I wouldn’t marry someone I wasn’t attracted to, but you have to decide how important attraction is to you and go from there. Judging from your statements within this post alone, I would not marry this man, ESPECIALLY since you are only seeing him once a week as it is. Once you live together you will most likely become more intimate/physical with him on a regular basis, so I would imagine your feelings will be stirred up even more.

Post # 7
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Savannah, GA

I was in the same situation with my first boyfriend.  I was not physically attracted to him, but I loved the way he loved me and he became my best friend.  I always struggled with my feelings and family members feelings about him.  I finally broke it off about two months into the engagement even though it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  That decision was the best decision I have ever made.  I have now found the love of my life who is the best friend I have ever had.  We are mutually attracted to each other and I’m proud to show him off to friends and family.  I now realize I never loved my first fiancé.  I only loved his love toward me.  I think you need to pause and really make sure this is right for you, it sounds all too familiar to me.  I would have been miserable if I was still with him today.

Post # 8
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

When you were feeling happy and excited, where were those feelings coming from?  Were you happy with the relationship/happy to be getting married or was it more about having a wedding?

Post # 9
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If I approached my Fiance and told him I wanted to postpone the wedding, he would sit down with me and we would talk about everything.  He would absolutely postpone the wedding and would much rather me tell him than keep it bottled up and divorce him later. 

I think that your Fiance didn’t listen to you is the biggest red flag of all. 

Post # 10
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Sweetkb:  I have no hesitation in the advice I am going to give to you. Do. Not. Marry. Him. PERIOD.

Here’s why. First, your future husband does not need to be attractive to anyone else, but he DOES need to be attractive TO YOU. 

Second, your OWN heart and mind are telling you NOT to marry this man. You already know that, but what you need is for someone else to help you find the confidence to truly admit this.

Third, and perhaps most important — when you told your Fiance that you wanted to postpone the wedding, HE said “no.” He does not have the right to tell you what you want to do. Engagement is not marriage. It should never be looked upon as if it is marriage. Engagement, though a sincere expression of the intent to marry, is also the last opportunity to leave a relationship that you really do not want to be in, and, you, I, and many of the other bees already know that you do not want to be in this relationship.

Regardless of how much money you both (and your families) may have invested in this wedding, it is not a reason to go through with a marriage that you do not want. Please listen to your heart, mind, and gut, and walk away.

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It’s ok to have those feelings but more importantly to express those feelings. It’s good that you could come here to get that all out. 

My advice: serious soul searching. It’s time to hunker down and figure this out now rather than later. Look for some books to read or go talk to someone neutral. I recommend What No One Tells the Bride and 20 Something, 20 Everything.

Post # 13
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@bookworm88:  I agree with the above poster. His response to your request to postpone is concerning. It sounds like you have some serious concerns and doubts. I would at least take time to seriously consider them, if you don’t postpone the wedding. Maybe take some time away from him (I know you’re long distance, but don’t see each other for 2 weeks). See how you feel. If you take some time away, you’ll probably either discover that you absolutely cant live without him or that you need to postpone so you can work out your feelings.

Post # 14
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sweetkb:  Awwww man, my best girlfriend is going through the same thing regarding the attraction.  There are two schools of thought here on the ‘bee typically, the ‘ditch him’ category or the ‘this is normal, you need to communicate more’ house (closely followed up with the ‘you need therapy’ camp). 

I am going with communicate more, just because this is your first ‘flag’.  Attraction will actually come and go over the course of your relationship, the friendship should always stay.  I’m wondering if you’re not ‘attracted’ to him because there is an underlying emotional distance that is preventing you from feeling intimate with your fiance.  That’s where I would start analyzing if I was you (I know it’s hard to see the forest from the trees but you gotta try!).

However, I do agree with Bookworm that he is not really allowed to say no.  It’s not his wedding, its both of yours.

Post # 15
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you really love someone then they become attractive to you no matter what they look like. When I was in HS I was dating a guy who everyone said was ugly, but he was and still is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met in my life. When I looked at him all I saw was his positive qualities and wonderful personality shine through his face. I never saw the ugly. The stronger my feelings got for him, the cuter he became!

On the other hand…. 

My ex of 11 years was a complete 10. 6’2, 190 lbs of muscle, brown skin and completely HOT! Everyone would tell me how hot he was from family and friends to my own students! However, after being together for 11 years, I stopped being attracted to him. I think that our relationship got so tight that he really became my best friend in my eyes and I couldn’t stand making out with him anymore. It felt creepy, like I was kissing my brother. It got to the point were his lips seriously grossed me out if he tried to make out with me. It prob had alot to do with our relationship becoming so platonic for other reasons. Anyway, the reason I’m sharing this is to let you know that even the hottest guy can become unattractive.

 

I don’t think you’re ready to marry this guy and he should definitely not be making that decision for you.

Post # 16
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Hi I gotta say, it’s troubling to hear that you are feeling this way. However, my bigger concern was hearing that your fiance sayed “No.” to postponing the wedding. DO NOT let money ever be a concern for you. Love to you.

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