(Closed) Feeling confused and sad [very long]

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3993 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

The fact that you feel smothered (as I would as well) by your current Fiance is the major flag. I don’t think “Luke” plays as big a part in this as one might think. He’s your “out,” yes, but I think the fact that you feel you NEED an out is the issue. It sounds like your current Fiance has smothered and isolated you and you want out. To be perfectly honest, I think you need to get out of a relationship if you feel smothered and aren’t even married yet. It doesn’t sound like your relationship is good for you. I don’t think that “Luke” has much to do with this, other than serving to maybe be the catalyst. Of course, none of us know the extent of your relationship. Yes, 5 years is a lot of time to put into a relationship, but can you really see yourself with him forever? Feeling smothered and isolated forever? It’s a big decision and I wish you all the best.

Post # 4
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I will say that your relationship with Tyler is…concerning. It sounds like you are very isloated and aren’t communicating well. From what you’ve said he seems very posessive and jealous. You also mentioned that you and Tyler don’t talk very much. Overall, you really don’t seem happy in your relationship with Tyler. Now you’re talking to and hanging out with your ex behind your FI’s back. Obviously, you need to sit down and think about what you want. However, please don’t make the mistake of romanticizing what you had with Luke and using that as an excuse to break up with Tyler. You’re engaged to Tyler so you need to think about if your relationship with Tyler is what you really want. Then you need to sit down with Tyler and talk about things. Either you want to end things with him or you want to work on making your relationship something where you feel happier. Then, if you decide to break up with Tyler, take some time to heal and maybe figure out what your feelings are for Luke.

Post # 5
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@anon_bee: Have you thought about going to a counselor? It sounds like you are confused with all of the different feelings you are feeling. It may help having someone there to listen while you try to sort them out. The only person who holds all of the answers in this situation is you. It may not seem like it now, but you will know what is right for you. Also, communication is key. It sounds like you are communicating with Luke differently than with Tyler. Maybe this is something that is missing in your relationship with Tyler? Maybe talk about this communication discrepency? Hope this makes sense. 

Post # 7
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Good luck with sorting it all out. <3

Post # 9
10972 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I wish I had something to offer, but I do want to offer you a virtual hug!


Post # 11
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow, this situation is extremely concerning – NOT because you went behind your FI’s back to see Luke, but because of how controlling and possessive your Fiance is!  That is seriously concerning behaviour and something that you need to think about before you enter into marriage with this guy.   It sounds as though he has manipulated you to get you exactly where he wants you – as the dutiful, subservient wife who is socially isolated and completely dependent on her husband.   Honey, that is NOT a good place to be.

By my calculations, you are about 22/23 and have been together since you were 17/18.   Sounds to me as though you need some time apart to figure out who YOU are  (without him!) and figure out what you bring to a relationship and what you want from a relationship.  Your entire adult life sounds as though it has been under the thumb of your Fiance and before you can commit yourself to him, you need to know who you really are. 

There are just so many red flags in your entire post – he sounds jealous to the extreme and is happiest when you’re isolated so you rely completely on him, yet, doesn’t pay any attention to you.   I’m just going off what you posted, but as a social worker, I can tell you that if I client came in to me with these issues, I’d be putting across the top of the file “High risk for domestic violence”  Not saying it will ever go down that road (and I hope it doesn’t!) but the way things are now is a form of emotional abuse and these behaviours are all warning signs that DV is likely.  

My advice:  

1.  Postpone the wedding.  Neither one of you are in an emotional position to be married yet.  He doesn’t know how to be a husband and you need time on your own.

2.  Find a job.   Apply for any and every job that sounds good to you, whether it’s in your home location or not.   You need a social network and work is a great place to get that.   And if it’s somewhere else, better yet – time for you to be out on your own and figure out who you are without Tyler around.

3.  Talk to your family about this – they need to know exactly what you’re doing and why.  They will be supportive and it is always good to have someone who is aware of this stuff so they can watch out for signs that things are getting worse.

4.  Talk to Tyler.  Explain your concerns and be firm, telling him you ARE going to socialize with who you want to socialize with and he does not need to be with you every time.  If he can’t trust you then he’s definitely not the man you want to marry. 

5.  Luke – it sounds as though you need a friend and it sounds as though he knows you, understands the situation, and is supportive of you.   By all means, if you need to talk to him about this stuff, then go for it.  If you find that you are romanticizing everything and developing feelings for him, well, there is your answer that Tyler is definitely not the one for you.

Good luck – it’s a crappy situation to be in but at least you still have the power to do something about it now!  

Post # 13
83 posts
Worker bee

The Bees have given you some solid advice already.  I will reinforce individual counseling… I think you may want to address your personal concerns before delving into couples counseling.  Couples counseling works well when both partners are committed to making the relationship work.  You may decide that now is not the time to pursue marriage. 

Take care of you!  No shame in postponing or calling it off.  The last thing you want is to get married with serious concerns/doubts and/or feeling resentful about your Fi’s actions.

Hugs. Best wishes.

Post # 14
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It seems like you got some really great advice already from everyone so I will just say I wish you the best of luck in everything and hope that all works out.


Post # 15
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ree723: This is great advice.

OP, for me, alienating you from friends and family IS abuse. Psychoogical and emontional. Being that angry/ill over a highschool love that you lost virginity to is NOT normal. And preventing you from being the best and happiest that you can be is NOT what a good partner does. If you were my daughter I would be very, very concerned about where your life is heading with this man.

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