- 11 years ago
My fiancé (I’ll call him Tyler) and I have been together for almost 5 years, and have been engaged for 4 months. We began dating the last few weeks of high school and when summer was over and we left for college we soon moved in together.
The boyfriend that I had prior to dating Tyler was my “serious” high school boyfriend. I will call him Luke. We dated for around 2 years and I was heartbroken when he eventually broke up with me for another girl. I was so hurt and so mad at him, and Tyler was there for me as a friend and eventually became my boyfriend. I know now that Luke wasn’t a bad guy, just a typical 17 year old boy.
Once Tyler and I had been dating for a few months, it was evident that he was very jealous of Luke. Tyler hated the fact that I lost my virginity to Luke and didn’t “save” it for him, although I didn’t even know Tyler at that time. Tyler acted physically ill at the mention of Luke’s name so I never mentioned him. By this point I was slowly losing my circle of friends as well, because Tyler was always hurt by the fact that I didn’t want him to come along when I went out with girlfriends. So I just stopped going out with friends.
So now, 5 years later, I feel like I have been living in this bubble where only Tyler and I exist. I graduated from college in December and turned down job offers in other parts of the country because Tyler has an amazing job here and I don’t see living apart as an option for us. Right now I don’t have a job, I have no friends, I am completely dependent on Tyler and I really think he likes that…it makes him feel secure or something. I’ve tried to tell him that I sometimes feel stifled but he doesn’t really listen…so I REALLY don’t think he even knows.
Luke and I have somewhat kept in touch throughout the years. Sometimes a year goes by before we speak again, but it’s always nice to talk to him and reminisce a little. To my knowledge, Tyler doesn’t know that we have spoken since high school. I didn’t mean for it to become some big secret but I had no idea how to bring it up to him.
About a month before Tyler proposed, Luke sent me a long message on Facebook apologizing for hurting me in high school and telling me that he still thinks about me a lot. I didn’t even know Luke was on Facebook, so I added him as a friend and we began talking every now and then. Then Tyler proposed and I was ecstatic, Luke congratulated me but was not so ecstatic. I think he believes I’m not happy because of different things I’ve said over the years.
Then things began to get really confusing for me. For about 3 weeks now, Luke and I have talked for several hours every night. He’s going through some big things in his life and he trusts my advice. I enjoy talking to him because I don’t have anyone to talk to like that. Tyler and I don’t really talk that much, I guess.
So the worst part is this: Tyler is out of town for work and I went to see Luke last night and the night before. I know that this is terrible of me, but I REALLY enjoyed seeing him. Nothing happened between us, we just talked, but I know it would kill Tyler to know I did this. The fact that I was more than willing to go see my ex-bf in secret is making me have major second thoughts about this wedding. I am feeling so confused right now. I don’t think the feelings that I have for Luke are romantic feelings, but I do care for him a lot. I have felt smothered by the relationship that I am in for so long, it felt nice to be “free” for a moment. Also, I know Luke doesn’t get to be a part of the life I have with Tyler…and I don’t want him to be out of my life forever. He’s a good friend.
I love Tyler very, very much and it breaks my heart to think of hurting him. But I just don’t think I can continue planning our wedding when I feel this way. I don’t want to break off our engagement, but maybe put wedding plans on hold. Even telling Tyler this is going to kill him, I know.
What am I supposed to do…? I am just so confused.