(Closed) Feeling Confused, I need some advice..

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss what you want out of life. Talk about where you’d like to be 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, 50 years down the road. If he’s not sure about wanting to get married because he wants to sow his wild oats, but you want to be married, maybe it is best to end things because you want different things out of life at this point.

Could it be though a situation where he wants to be with you but feels he missed out on a few things because he’s been with you for so long, and you first started dating so young and he would want to do those things before settling down? Would you be okay with him going for say a year, doing those things he wants then re-evaluating things at that point?

Post # 4
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@JennyS1071:  i think you should leave him. if your ready for marriage then don’t waist anymore of your time with him. and im sorry about what he said about wanting to sleep with other women. hes clearly not on the same page as you are. there’s a book you should get it helped me alot its by Steve Harvey its called act like a lady think like a man.

and the book will tell you just what you mean to him in according to what he does and how he treats you. i hope things work out but in my opinion from what you have wrote hes far from committing to a marriage.

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Look, sorry to say but you should not marry him right now even if he changes his mind and asks you to. The reality is that he is feeling unsure being with just one woman for the rest of his life, wants to sleep with other women after almost 4 years is rediculous.. how is he going to spend a lifetime with you and remain faithful?

They say that men take alot longer to mature than women, this may just be a case of: Youve matured and he hasnt. You have to know when its time to say goodbye.

(Edit for typo)

Post # 6
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but you should definitely not leave him. I dont get why people give that advice when someone has been with their partner for as long as you have been with yours. I guess you guys have to figure out how serious he is about feeling like he has missed out. I know my bf would have happily taken a year off from being a rela before we got together (he was with someone else for over 2 years) but decided it wasn’t worth the risk. He’ll have to make that choice. Maybe if the option of not being with you is presented to him seriously, he’ll realize it was a mistake. You guys are young so you can’t really blame him for wondering but at the same time, don’t compromise what you want. You’re so young, you have a lot of time to fall in love again if this doesn’t work out. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you just need to figure out how long you want to wait and then stick with your timeline for yourself. You don’t want to be waiting around for 10 years and either he still hasn’t slept with other women, or that he has and then moves on. Don’t let him waste your time with immaturity and at the same time you don’t want to marry someone that has a roving eye. I’m really sorry he’s putting you through this. Bottom line is decide how long you’ll wait ( for him to sleep around ???) I guess.

Post # 8
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Any man that says to his partner that he would like to have sex with other women is not husband material.

Run.

Post # 9
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with PPs…he may not have cheated YET but from the sound of things, he probably will…ESPECIALLY if you two get married…maybe what you both need right now is counseling…do u think that could be a possibility?

Post # 10
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I, too, am sorry about how he’s acting towards you and the marriage subject.  I had the same issue when I was with my ex. After 6 1/2 years of dating, he proposed…but after 6 months of being engaged, he was not showing me any signs of wanting to be married, so I broke up with him. He wasn’t ready when I was.  Now, my current Boyfriend or Best Friend is ready for marriage – at least he’s showing me he is – and I’m almost ready. 

 

I would say leave the man.  He’s not ready or mature enough to make that type of life long committment.  They say that men mature slower than females.  I say move on and up in the world.  

Post # 11
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JennyS1071:   I think what’s going on here is this:  In your mind you have a good relationship.

However, in his mind you obviously have an only “so-so” relationship, evidenced by the fact that after 6 years and ring shopping he’s suddenly “not ready” for marriage and “wants to have sex with other women.”  (By the way, I bet he already has picked out the woman he’s having these thoughts about.)

He is biding his time with you until something better comes along.  He is stringing you along.  I will say that 26 is very young to be thinking of marriage, but still that’s no excuse. 

If I were you I’d see the writing on the wall and make plans for my own future.  Whether or not he intends to be part of it is yet to be determined.

But if someone told me what he told you, I’d have started packing right then.

Please think more highly of yourself than this.   A man who really loves you isn’t going to be wondering whether or not he wants to have sex with other women.  (Unless you two have agreed to have an open relationship.)

How would he feel if you said the exact same thing back to him?   That you’re also not ready for marriage and may want to have sex with other men?  Because that’s what I would have said back.

What an insult to you. 

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.  I think you need to give him a wake-up call by starting to live your own life, for yourself.

Post # 12
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@JennyS1071

What he said to you was just awful!

I agree with PP that said a man that truly loves you would NOT even dream of sleeping with or even want to sleep with anyone else because you and your relationship would be enough to fulfill him!

Having said that, something is missing or at least from his perception.

I know you have invested 5 years in this relationship and to me that is a long time! BUT I would suggest taking a break from the relationship (initiated by you) and let him do his thing.  He may go out there sleep around and come back, or he may never come back, or he may realize you are way more valuable to him than any amount of sleeping around.

You’ve already invested 5 years in each other so maybe in the end it will all work out BUT I just would hate to have you invest anymore time in something that could really be going nowhere….

Good luck, I hope whatever happens is for the best!

Post # 13
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Wow.  

Ok so i’m not gonna say he is going to cheat or leave you or anything like that.  I am never one to say those things because i am not in your relationship. 

I CAN tell you that my SO and i are very close to getting engaged and we had a similar conversation about this last night. Sometimes i get in a mood and i ask random questions.  I asked him if it scared him to think that i might be the last person he has sex with.  His response was “why would that scare me even a little? We have been together almost 4 years and i want to marry you, clearly i am comfortable with that!

It would totally gut me if he said he wanted to test out the waters with other girls.  A guy that is in your relationship with his full heart and wants you to be his wife, be the mother of his children, be his partner, would NOT tell you he is scared to marry because he wants to fool around with others first. 

You need to have a serious conversation with him. And you should set your own timeline.  DOnt wait forever for a guy who isn’t putting you first. 

 

Post # 14
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

yikes – so sorry you are going through this! I know this is easier said than done but I would leave! It seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too (wants sex with other women but doesnt want to leave you) It just sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Don’t waste anymore of your precious time with him – he is so beyond undeserving of you.  So sorry again hun 🙁  

Post # 15
Member
24 posts
Newbee

WOW!!! I am literally so shocked my mouth just fell open !! I cant even begin to imagine WHY any man would say that so his longterm girlfriend.

By the sounds of it, this is basically what he is saying: “If we dont marry I will be fine with just having you in my life or if we marry, chances are 99.9% that I’ll cheat on you by having sex with other women.”

What a guy is before marriage, he will be so much more once he’s married!! He wont just all of a sudden change his mind or urges.

Run girl, and fast. U DESERVE BETTER!!!

Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Oh girl, I feel for you.  I’ve lurked here for a while, but finally decided to create an account after reading your post.

I was with the guy I thought I’d marry for almost four years.  Things were rocky, but when they were good they were fantastic.  I waited until we’d been together three years to ask about the future, and his answer was the usual commitment/marriage fear schtick.  I decided to end it a few months later, and we were apart for six months.  The entire time he talked endlessly of marrying me and having this amazing life.  When I finally gave him another chance, things went back to the way they were before.  Suddenly he was afraid again.  So I ended it and I couldn’t be happier about my decision.  

It’s alright for him to be uncertain and need to do some soul searching, but it is NOT OK for him to string you along while he does it.  It isn’t your job to force him to be ready or to pull him along in life.  He needs to get there by himself.  I truly believe that if a relationship is going to work out, it will, no matter what.  Right now you need to do what’s best for you; don’t let yourself be manipulated into letting him have his cake and eat it too.

Side note, after I broke up with my SO of four years, I ended up meeting the man that I KNOW I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  We’re completely on the same page and no relationship has ever felt so right.

Things do work out in the end; you’re going to be so happy, with or without him.

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