(Closed) Feeling confused…FI is disapproving.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

stop. breathe. it will be ok. the last thing you mentioned was that this might just be pre marital jitters. I think the most important thing to decide is if this is wedding stress from all the other bad, or if it is a legit problem. Many brides freak out before the wedding and worry that they are making a mistake. Don’t forget you love him- he loves you. that’s why you wanted to get married in the first place. I think talking about it with him will be good, just make sure you can separate your other wedding stress from the situation!

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

First of all you need a hug, or several.

Then i think instead of speculating how you imagine your Fiance views you, maybe you should just discuss your concerns with him.  You have been through an extremely stressful period with all things that have taken place, it’s very easy to start seeing issues in your own relationship and (possibly) making them worse than they really are.  Have dinner, and talk one on one calmly and with love and I’m sure you will find that he still loves you all of you even if he doesn’t agree with certain things you do, he doesn’t hate you for it or love you less.  At least I hope this is the case.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
308 posts
Helper bee

*huggles*

 You know I think everyone goes though this… your Fiance and you aren’t going to love everything about each other… and maybe you’re more sensetive as the day comes closer.  ^_^  I think you’re okay.  ^_^

Post # 6
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a tough time – hugs!  I agree with Chela429, and think you should sit down and talk with your Fiance about this, as it may just seem enhanced due to last minute wedding stress! Good luck, you’ll get through this!

Post # 7
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think with your wedding being so soon, your reading too far into things. I mean you want him to love every piece of you, but he still is a guy. Most guys don’t understand why girls need more than one pair of shoes, nevermind a few expensive purses. I think it’s something you can work out. I think it’s bothering you because now that the wedding is so close, there is no going back, and you want to make sure your with the right man for you. Life is about compromises, and it’s good that you are listening to his side of things, and he is listening to you too. As long as you love each other, and want to be married, I think you can handle this together.

Post # 8
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Reading your post made me feel really bad, because I think *I* kind of acted like your Fiance towards my husband when we were approaching the wedding day.

 

You said yourself that your parents are off their rockers.  And my husband would freely admit the same thing about his own mother.  

 

His mom drove me nuts during wedding planning.  I couldn’t tell her off, since it’s not my place, and frankly, I needed her money.  But she drove me insane.  And I had no one to take it out on except my fiance.  So, to give an example, my husband would neglect some task I’d assigned to him for weeks on end, and I’d just get so frustrated after his mother had done something to tick me off, and I’d end up just laying into him about how his mother may have coddled him, but now he’s an adult and needs to act like it.

 

What I was really expressing was frustration with his mom’s way of helping (interfering) with the wedding plans, but I just did it totally the wrong way.  Maybe what you’re interpreting as him disapproving of you and your family is really just him being frustrated with them being difficult during the wedding planning process? 

Post # 9
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Take this into the pre marital counseling.  Sounds like you guys just need to know the limits on venting about family.  That is a touchy subject.  I can vent a ton about my family to my Fiance but if he says too much about them, I get pretty defensive and stick up for them- they are my family!  Same thing happens with my Fiance and talks about his family.  We’re both REALLY close to our families but our families are kinda kooky sometimes! 

It is important for your Fiance to understand that speaking poorly of your family feels like he’s talking bad about you.  You are from your family, they are what you know and how you grew up.  It is fine to get annoyed but there are limits.  I bet your counselor will have some ideas for this.

Also, you’ve been through a lot.  You’re on shaky ground right now.  Ask your Fiance to help you feel a little more stable on teh ground with all that is going on.  That sounds like what you really need.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Oh gosh….with all you’ve been dealing with lately, I think this is polarized. If you & your Fiance were just living your regular day-to-day life, a lot of these things wouldn’t be big issues.
I think it’s a lot of stress on both of you, with everything going on with your families and then the wedding soon approaching.
My guy had a mini-freakout last week…ie: "My mom thinks you hate her…" ARGH!!!!Ummm..NO…I don’t hate her, I actually really love her and think she’s an amazing person….BUT…do I disagree with some of the decisions she’s been making lately?…YES….Does that mean I hate her? NO!!!!
We had day after day of hours long discussions to work through it…and we did work through it. I’m not marrying HER some day, I’m marrying HIM. I am super close to my family, and I understand his closeness with his family, but at the end of the day, it’s about US together as a couple and someday as our own family.
I would suggest having a talk with your Fiance, obviously you have different family customs…(I will be in that boat too…what his family sees as "fancy"…is not-so-fancy to my family. As well as Irish vs. American wedding plans. But, we each understand that, and can find the middle road that makes us both happy.
((((Hugs)))) to you fizics! And please don’t worry too much, you & your Fiance are together because you love one another & are committed to spending the rest of your lives together. That is the most important thing at the end of it all.

 

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh, i did this with my Fiance. We decided what kind of wedding we wanted however long ago…….and a few months ago I got all pissy about hwo it was all about his family and blah blah blah. He was like, "dude….we TALKED about this. why are you flipping out suddenly?" and i had to go thjink about it and reassure myself it was the wedding monster making me go all nutty about the wedding. the phase passed and all is well now. I freaked out in april for my wedding this weekdn…it DID go away. I think whatever you’re feeling is being put under a microscope and is compounded by the whole wedding in 6 weeks thing! I also sent you a PM about a personal experience that may or may not be insightful.

Indian weddings are lavish. they ARE expensive. it’s a cultural thing. He just has to roll with the punches and be respectful of it, as you are to him 

Post # 13
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

As far as your first post, where you mentioned that he disapproves of certain aspects of your life (family spending, shopping) I can relate to that. My Fiance is a very healthy person (eating & lots of exercising), while I’m just not (neither is my family). He’d always commented on how I should eat more vegetables or ride my bike instead of drive & extend these comments to my family too. It made me defensive & upset and made me think he’d like me better if I was different. I told him that once and he said that in no way does it make him love me *less* — he says those things because he loves me so much and wants me to be happy (no bother that eating veggies does NOT make me so happy). Maybe your Fiance is thinking that your life will improve & you’ll be happier if you curb those habits.

Regarding your second post about compromise, I’d hash that out STAT. Compromise and communication is the absolute KEY to having a healthy relationship. If you’re both thinking different things — you think compromise, he thinks giving in — big decisions will get messy very quickly. Most people can learn to compromise even if they haven’t before, especially for people they love. 

 I second all the people too who have said this could be largely contributed to stress/pre-wedding anxiety & frustration. My Fiance & I are pretty mellow people, but we’ve been getting into little twizzles constantly as the wedding nears, only to end up thinking "How did this start?!"

Post # 14
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

As someone on kind of the other side of this issue…I don’t think your Fiance means anything by it. As the other commenters have said, you’re both going through a very stressful time right now, you’re so close to the wedding, and cultural differences between families are rearing their ugly heads. These are all, sadly, things that seem to come with a wedding, and make it harder to see things clearly.

And there’s where it comes in– the issue of whether he understands/accepts this part of you. This is where my Fiance and I are similar, but I’m on the other side. He has a couple habits that, while not hurtful (like in your case, shopping for nice things is not hurtful) are different than how I was raised/how I live my life, and I disapprove just a teeny bit of these habits of his, like maybe your Fiance does. Like I’m sure your Fiance does, though, I also understand that these things are part of who he is, and I accepted them long ago. I wouldn’t be with him otherwise. Now though, with the wedding approaching and me stressing out a lot more, I must admit that I’m giving him a lot more crap about it than I ever have before. It’s not that I love him less, or that I think he’ll stop these habits, or that I’m questioning our relationship because of it, but it’s something that’s always bugged me a little, and now that it’s going to be for-ev-er, when I’m annoyed with him for other reasons, these things come out. I think it sounds more serious than it is. If it’s anything like our situation, it’s a drop in the bucket in the overall scope of our relationship, but is something that it’s easy to pick on when I’m annoyed. (I know, this is making me sound like a bi-atch…I swear, I’m not!)  

I guess what i’m trying to say is that couples don’t always have to agree on everything, and there will almost certainly be some things that bug you about your partner and that bug him about you. As long as they are not hurtful overall (ie, you said you are financially responsible, so your shopping is not hurting your joint finances, etc) I think it’s perfectly normal to differ on some things.

I do agree though that this is something good to discuss in counseling, and to discuss with your Fiance. Best of luck!!

Post # 15
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hi Fizicsgirl, 

Your posts sound very concerned and while I definitely think a part of this is pre-wedding jitters (which I’ve had my share of!) it sounds like there’s also a fair share of worrying about how it will be *forever* with him- him silently or not so silently critiquing you for things, or disagreeing with you, or not understanding your family’s or your own values. I have also had my fair share of this as well, though about different things, the *forever* part always exaccerbates whatever the concern of the moment is. I think that a wedding brings out all of these fears deep within those of us who allow ourselves to think in this way – the "what if" way, if you will.  

I think it’s important that before you get married, you gain an acceptance from your fiance that this is WHO YOU ARE- and if he is choosing to spend his life with you, this is who he will always be with. Have you talked with him about your worry that his responses after you make a big purchase or something bother you? That you fear they extend into a disapproval of who you feel you truly are? As far as the wedding, that’s rough as well. It sounds like he loves you enough to let you have what you want, but maybe he’s not quite mature enough to recognize that if he does, he also needs to accept it fully. It sounds like he might be harboring some resentment after the fact about things that he "allows" (not allows in the posessive sense, but you know what I mean)  you to do/plan/buy, and he needs to come to an understanding that if he has strong feelings against something, he needs to express those to you and not go along with it and then give you the guilt trip about it afterwards. 

 I can definitely assure you that my fiance and I have our share of differences along similar lines, despite coming from the same ethnic background (Greek- quite similar to Indian when it comes to things like this) and yet we’ve had somewhat similar economic upbringings. Despite us both being lucky enough to have been put through school by our parents, etc, my family has taken it a step further to also taking us on nice vacations, in order to expose us to multipe cultures, and have had more expensive tastes in material items, etc. Granted, they have had somewhat greater means  to do so, but it’s also a difference in what they WANTED us (me and sibs) to be exposed to. ALong the same lines, we differ in our backgrounds education-wise- I was educated in private schools from elementary school, where he went to public schools. These are all issues where I believe we will have to compromise on- because that’s what it’s really about. It’s about taking the two of your own life experiences and values and shaping them into one set of NEW, possibly different, family values and both being able to accept what those values are. For us, using the education as an example, we’ve agreed that we are neither completely for or against private schools across the board- we will look at each child’s situation, the school system in whatever town we live in, and our financial situation, and then decide. It seems like if this were a value to you, your Fi might agree to send your kids to private schools but make comments about it, thus making you feel uncomfortable about the fact that this is simply who you are. That’s where it needs to change. Relationships are about compromise and you guys need to be able to communicate what values are important and where you can bend, and then accept a decision once you’ve made it together. Resentment is deadly in a relationship and it will eat away at you if you don’t work to avoid it. 

 I have a lot more I could say because like I’ve said, I’ve had my share of concerns through this whole process, and we’ve had our share of ups and downs in our relationship. However, at the end of the day, I think you have to step back from the "what if’s" and accept and believe in the good in your relationship, as well as to work to improve your communication, your respect for one another’s wishes, etc. If you want to PM or email me to talk more about this feel free. Also, check out the board http://www.consciousweddings.com- it’s the best.  

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