- 12 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
I don’t know what to do…but I’m grasping at straws. Even writing this is too hard b/c it makes it all real. If you’ve read my previous posts, you may have a sense of where I’m at right now. Fiance was gone for work for almost a month (completely out of contact) until about a week ago. My favorite uncle (who was there when I was born) passed away unexpectedly. My parents are completely off their rockers. My BFF and Maid/Matron of Honor has been a passive-aggressive nightmare. There are some good spots in all this, but also a lot of difficulty. And really, it’s coming around to all being painful. I know many people have it way worse than I do, but this is hard for me right now.
And now, with what, six weeks to go, I’m starting to wonder about whether my Fiance truly respects and accepts who I am. I would say we both grew up in priveleged backgrounds, but his father basically has a gambling problem which caused him to lose it all many times (and then re-earn it due to his lucrative profession). My parents can tend toward ostentation, which is something I have very ambivalent feelings about. But it’s a part of me and how I grew up. As wedding planning has progressed, Fiance has objected to some aspects of the wedding he found too showy (my parents are paying), and we’ve generally found compromises. But more and more, I’m starting to really hear what he’s saying, and what I’m hearing is that he doesn’t approve of my family. And it’s impossible for me not to extend that to me. And he also doesn’t approve of some of the things I do (e.g. shop for purses etc). He’s not the sort of person who’d tell me not to per se, but he might comment on it afterward. We already share our expenses so it’s not a budget thing, it’s more of a self-righteous thing. Basically, I’m hearing from him that he doesn’t like a part of who I am. He’s not controlling about it, just disapproving. So basically I know that he won’t try to stop me from doing the things I want to do, but I’m not sure he won’t continually tell me how much he doesn’t approve and thinks of it as a weakness. I’m very responsible financially (something he agrees with), but I have expensive tastes and I like beautiful things. I like that about me, and I have no desire to change it. But I get the message that he’d like me better if I did.
I feel kind of stupid. How did I not see this before? I can point to things in the past that have indicated these feelings. But I guess they seemed so minor. I know in a way that goes beyond feeling and believing that he loves me and would be there for me even if the world fell apart around us. I know that I love him completely and have made sacrifices for our relationship I’d never have even considered before I met him. But is love, even depths of the ocean type love, enough? I’m starting to wonder if I’m slowly, so slowly I can’t quite see it, changing who I am and giving up a piece of myself. Not b/c he’s asking me to directly, but b/c it’s hard to live with someone who disapproves of something you do/are naturally. Maybe this is my commitment-phobic side shouting out 6 weeks before we get married. But what if it’s more? We are in pre-marital counseling, and we talked about this last session and probably again tonight…but still…I just feel really confused about this.