(Closed) Feeling dejected…

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3306 posts
Sugar bee

That sucks- I am sending you MANY job vibes- although, can’t you both at least get engaged for now? I am not sure why both of you need to have a job just to be engaged?

I mean what if you found a job, then lost it after being engaged? Would he take away the engagement?

What if you found a job, got married, then lost your job? Would he divorce you?

I personally don’t think it matters financially in concerns of engagement. I do get it in terms of paying for a wedding or buying a ring that one must be employed or generate some form of income- but marriage is just a public commitment to stick by each other’s side through think and thin and an engagement is the promise of moving toward marriage. Unless you yourself aren’t comfortable with it, why is it being held over your head that these things won’t happen unless you get a job (unless you aren’t showing any initiative in looking for work and just sitting at home on the WB eating bon bons all day)? Once you get a job, you will be rewarded with engagement? Sorry if I seem salty- some of these men I have been reading about has been making me feel bad for some of you and wonder if they really understand what commitment is really about. This isn’t just I am around when things are going well and we can’t progress when they aren’t. And plus, you guy should give you a little slack- the economy isn’t just booming with jobs if he hasn’t noticed… I can’t believe he is withholding an engagement until you have a job. What if that isn’t for another year? What if you have to move to get one? Is he serious?

Please do not feel bad- this is not YOUR fault.

Post # 5
3306 posts
Sugar bee

OK- then I am sorry I still don’t get it. If your parents have money saved for your wedding then why not go ahead and get married now so that when you do find that job, you won’t have to worry about taking time off to get married?

I guess I don’t get the correlation of needing a job to be engaged however since you aren’t comfortable with it then that is all that matters.
Many of us women here aren’t in that position though- if our SOs would propose tomorrow, we would accept, job or not. But plenty of job vibes to you- I hope you find something soon.

Post # 6
57 posts
Worker bee

I am in the exact same situation as you right now.  I recently lost my job and my boyfriend does not want to move towards an engagement until I find a new one.  I know that this is unfair and should not influence a proposal but for whatever reason, for him it does.  I think that this is one of the hardest situations.  Not only do I (as I imagine you must) feel desperate to find a job for financial reasons, I also feel like I can’t get the thing I want more than anything in the world (a proposal) until I do land that job.  It just makes the job hunting even harder and then the rejection of not getting the job you interviewed for even worse :(.  I don’t have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  Let me know if you find out a way to deal with this…  Good luck!

Post # 7
37 posts

@infinityplus2:  Yep, I’m right there too.  Except I took an 8 month schooling program and worked several minimum wage jobs while in school.  I was way overqualified for these jobs, but they went around my complicated school and clinic schedule. 

My boyfriend found me working multiple jobs while in school as an area of concern, and until I can hold down my current job in my field (that mind you, I got almost immediately following graduation) for an extended period of time, he will consider marriage.  Unfortuntely, this nearly killed the attraction I have for him, even though he never meant to hurt me by his delivery and said it in the nicest way possible.  I was offended and nearly broke up with him.  We patched things up, but I am far less excited about our future than I used to be.

Before getting this job, I too blamed myself for his concerns, but something about being gainfully employed did a wonder to my self worth, and I realized I care a little less about engagement.  I would love to marry my Boyfriend or Best Friend, but I won’t try to prove anything to him.  I also won’t wait forever to see if I pass the test before he can THINK about engagement.  He’s not a bad guy, he just really values financial stability, etc.  I don’t like to mix romance with money, but not everyone is like that.

I’m only sharing my story because I also took the blame like you are.  But looking back, I had no choice but to work crappy jobs while in school.  I never would have found a full time job that went around my schedule, so whatever.  You may find that when you do become employed, you may feel better about yourself and get a different perspective.

Hope this helps!

Post # 9
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@infinityplus2:  I think I get it – you want to know you’ve accomplished something on your own, to show you can bring something other than your presence into the relationship.  You’re not the kind of person who feels particulalry good riding on someone else’s coattails and want to show you can make your own way, and that you’re with yout Boyfriend or Best Friend because you want to be… not because you have to be (for finances, etc.)

Try not to be too down on yourself.  Regardless of what Washington says, we’re still in a recession, and alot is going to ahve to improve before jobs come back and/or increase.  If you are looking for something in a pretty competative field, it can take a while to get an interview – also, many people are “over-eduated” these days, as companies aren’t set to hire and pay college graduates what they are worth right now… they are cutting corners and down-sizing to keep as many employees as they can but adding laid-off workers’ responsibilities onto those still employed.

Keep applying, maybe take somrthing, anything, appropriate in the mean time to help add to the blank spaces on your resume… you want to avoid a “shelf life” of non-working time since graduation, as you’re right, it’s hard to explain away.


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