(Closed) Feeling disappointed in FI

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Vidya:  I’m not going to address the house / video game bit. That’s a different beast. 

The family member with cancer on the other hand, he might be keeping at arm’s length because of his reaction to the news. Maybe he isn’t comfortable with the idea of seeing the person suffer, on a weekly basis? Are they close? He might need some time for the news to sink in. There might be underlying issues here, and rather than “nagging” about how he SHOULD do this, ask him if he is ok, be supportive in listening to any of his concerns, and lead him to the realization that whatever he chooses will be his decision, and not something he feels is being forced on him. I get where you’re coming from, but this particular dynamic is a little more complicated than face value. He SHOULD step up, but he may not be ready to just yet.

Post # 5
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Vidya:  Yeah. But I get where you’re coming from. It’s hard to have patience for that when he’s not really going out of his way to get obvious housework done. I get what you’re saying. 

But in the interest of having you not resent him because of the hitting-close-to-home situation, would you go out on a limb and offer to help him accomplish some of the work as a team on a weekend? I know that might be a lot in addition to your usual job, but at least your Fiance will do the right thing by his step-grandfather, not look like a chump to his family, AND have your moral support behind him? It benefits you too in knowing he’s doing the right thing by the family, with the added bonus of the $$ for the work. 

Just throwing it out there. Maybe take some lunch over to the step-grandfather, and have a nice little visit together? Many hands make light work, so you may enjoy yourselves too.

Post # 6
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If doing things around the house is already an everyday problem, I would guess that him not helping out his family member is more of a laziness issue than it is a uncomfortable/uneasiness issue.

I would probably try to have a calm discussion with him and ask him what is stopping him from helping.

But I totally see where you are coming from and you have every right to be frustrated and angry. I would be too. And the fact that they are willing to pay him and you guys need the money makes it even worse.

Tell your Fiance to get off his lazy rump and go help! ;p

Post # 7
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Vidya:  I’m sorry, but this makes me question how your married life will be. He doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything around the house unless asked, doesn’t seem to be in a rush to find a job, plays video games all day….and now he doesn’t want to help out a relative? And it’s paid work? Many guys would do it for free if they had the time, because they’d be helping someone that is suffering.

I’m not saying that just because he has free time, he’s required to do every odd task thrown his way. But, he’s not doing anything to be a productive member of society, or a productive member to keep your household running.

I’d seriously consider what you want out of him and your marriage…and would even suggest counseling so the two of you are on the same page.

Post # 8
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

As someone who was in a similar situation, I completely empathize.  My Fiance was out of work for about 3 months when we got engaged, he had a job but they were slow and weren’t giving anyone hours.  He was on unemployment until he (THANKFULLY) found a different job all together.  During that time, he sat at home all day, playing video games, watching TV and napping.  His car was broken and we didn’t have the money to fix it, and rather than drive me the 10 minutes to work so he’d have a car, he just sat home.  It made me CRAZY to come home to a messy house, and still have to clean up and cook dinner and clean that up and not be able to sit down and relax until bedtime.  

In talking to one of my girlfriends (a mutual friend, actually) she hit the nail on the head:  He was probably going through a bought of depression.  I don’t know your Fiance, but mine is the type of person who believes that men make the money and support and take care of their families, so the fact that he was barely making enough to keep us afloat REALLY bothered him.  Luckily, he found a job relatively quickly and he managed to be in a better frame of mind after that.  I understand your frustration, but if this is a depression situation for him, the more you bring it up the worse it will be for him, who is most likely feeling like a ‘loser’ (not that he IS, just that could be how he is feeling).  

As for the sick relative needing help, I would ask him why he can’t help out.  Don’t mention the money, mention how sick they are and how much they REALLY need him…maybe feeling needed will help?  Hang in there!!  

Post # 9
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@MerryWidow:  Agree this is probably more the case than him being a bum. Unemployment is a horrible, demoralizing experience for a lot of people, but doesn’t automatically mean they were always lazy, or will never work again. There’s more to the story than what OP has typed, and none of us know it.

Post # 12
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Vidya:  I understand. Good luck with everything…I hope things improve πŸ™‚

Post # 13
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You know, everyone here is much kinder than my reaction. I know I’m old-fashioned probably because my parents lived through the Depression and my dad grew up in Holland and survived Nazi occupation. He helped dig bodies out of bombed out buildings. I was raised to be a hard worker and to overcome obstacles. When things got bad it was time to dig in and work harder.

I know this will not be a popular statement, but  I don’t understand many younger people today(and I have a 21 yr old son who works many 15 hour days) who seem to feel it’s OK to hang out if you’re unemployed. I live with a man with MS who NEVER misses a day of work, and when money is tight he works as much overtime as he can.

So when I hear about a young man, out of work, sitting around playing video games AND not helping out a sick relative, I’d like to smack some sense into him. I get that there may be some depression, but getting up off one’s ass and accomplishing something is a great cure for that. Your guy has the opportunity, the privilege of helping out a sick relative AND earning some money in the mix (which ethically he shouldn’t take) but he is avoiding it?! I’d have to ask myself what this man would be like as a husband, a father etc. The measure of a person is how he handles adversity. This would worry me besides infuriating me. Just In My Humble Opinion of course…

Post # 14
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Vidya:  I wouldn’t even pay attention to ANYTHING blueskies7 wrote. It’s not even my thread and I was offended! Like MerryWidow, I too can completely empathize. I’m not going to get into details about it though. Sit down and have a chat with him. Try to find out why he does the things he does -if he’ll talk-. For the relative issue I don’t really have much to say. If it were me I’d give him an ultimatum, do the relative a favor OR get a job. But like I said, that’s just me. I can be pretty stern. I hope you get it all figured out! :]

Post # 16
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Is he currently looking for work?

 

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