Post # 1
Previously, I posted that my SO & I had an engagement timeline of Fall 2012. Then I found out I’m going to be graduating a year earlier than we thought (now May ’11) so that put a lot of pressure (on me and then subsequently, on him). Long story short, I don’t want to stay here if I’m not engaged by the time I start job-hunting. (No family or strong ties here.) He agrees that it changes things and suggests he will talk to a counselor about some issues.
Since then, he’s said that there’s no way we would be engaged this year but that he hopes to solve his commitmentphobia (he’s scared by the unknown and I’m his first real relationship) by Dec and that, by or before Dec he will let me know if I should look for positions in our current city.
I feel so sad. The only thing I can do now is wait. Wait to hear about his progress. I haven’t brought up the topic in weeks. I’m waiting for him to volunteer the information because I don’t want to pester him about it around his birthday (this week). Any advice?
Post # 3
My advice? You do the only thing you CAN do. You can’t control him, his emotions or his actions, so you control what you do.
Live your life as independently as the relationship parameters allow you to. Take care of yourself.
If he wants to get over his commitment phobia, he will. There is nothing you can really do to help him resolve his feelings. He will come to that place on his own.
Other than that all you can really do is wait, as much as that can suck. The only way you could even help is to remind him everyday (not verbally! lol ) why he should choose you and that you are amazing.
I will say though that not bringing it up is for the best. I find that once you mention the idea of engagment to a guy, it’s stuck in their head. Once you mention it, it’s a point of no return. He will basically always remember that it’s something you want. Guys don’t magically forget this.
Post # 4
@Tunacupcakes: Great advice!
Post # 5
@Tunacupcakes: You give some amazing advice. I have nothing to add except, if you want to move, just move regardless of his decision. He’ll come find you if he wants you and you can always move back if that’s what you as an engaged couple decide.
Post # 6
I would definitely live my life and concentrate on ME more if I were you. I don’t like that you’re being put on hold to find out if you should move to another city or not. This doesn’t feel good to me AT ALL.
I hope everything works out they way you want though
Post # 7
I don’t think I could handle something like this– I’d start making plans to live my life. Apply to some jobs elsewhere, be independent. He’s asking you to just hang around a place you don’t like for 7 months because he might decide he wants to keep you in his life– does he realize he is making a commitment by asking you to put your life on hold?
If you’re determined to wait until December, perhaps you could find some internships or short-term job opportunities and resume builders while you’re stuck in a town you don’t like.
Post # 8
As a former hiring manager, I would suggest you start working on the job search in BOTH areas and see where you get interviews. Maybe if he sees you’re serious (and you have to really looking), it will help move things along.
That said, you’re his first real relationship… maybe being apart for a new job wouldn’t be the worst thing in te world. What will his situation be after you graduate?
Post # 9
I’d say focus on getting the bestest job offer you can get.
Post # 10
I agree with gramgeek. Focus on jobs right now since you can’t change how he feels about commitment.
Post # 11
we can never change how they feel about commitment, can we? I’m right there with you girlfriend – same thing happening to me
Hugs and hoping we feel better soon. All of us who are with commitment phobes.
Get this one. “I am committed to this relationship but if I don’t commit to marrying you then you are going to end it and I’m uncomfortable with that.”
UGH – well then – be uncomfortable. ASS HOLE. Whew – that felt good saying that. Sorry ya’ll. LOL