- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
Firstly I apologises for how long this post is, let me say that I am so grateful for the bee it has been my saving grace for my last 2 years of wedding planning, thank you to all, so this is where I feel comfortable turing now.
Let me first say that I am not spoiled or a horrible person though this post may sound it, but I am a terrible perfectionist, day dreamer and I do not deal well with regrets, infact I really can not handle the feeling of regretting anything, I do really need to work on this.
This is going to sound really awful and spoiled but it is how I feel after the wedding and I am wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way as I feel awful for feeling like this.
We had our big day and I am so glad that we are husband and wife, I love my husband more now than ever but I am so down about our day, nothing terribly awful happened but there are things I regret that I do not seem to be able to get over and, I can not think about the wedding without becoming upset and stressed which I do not want, I want happy memories but eveytime I think of the day I end up crying its awulll and so sad.
Here is why I feel down, I was so stressed I made myself ill in the lead up to the wedding, in short I run my own business so I had to make sure everything was sorted there before I closed it for a month, we had trouble from feuding family (not with us but with each other), then my mum was being funny with everyone causing tensions and making eveything about her(which she also did on the day but thats for later), because of theses things I feel I did not enjoy the build up to the day and being a bride -to-be.
On the actual day I was so rushed to get ready because my hair and make-up people where half hour late, I was supposed to put my dress, veil and jewellery on an hour before the ceremony so I could do it calmly and have photos taken but instead I had my sister who was my maid of honour (she was fantastic) trying to tie up my corset whilst getting herself in a stress as she still had to get herself finished as the photographer wanted to come in quickly to take photos before the registra had her meeting with me, consequently there are no photos of me putting on my dress, she was also trying to consol my mum who was shaking like she was the bride and crying that she did not like her hair and she did not know which hat to wear!. No one noticed that I did not have my veil or jewellery on minutes before I needed to go and I had to practially shout over the commotion for someone to help me, I wasnt happy with where my dress was sitting on my bust I wanted it higher but we did not have time, in photos I can see it should have been higher as is was on my fittings and I definatly would have pulled some of the curl out of my hair if I had been able to see in the mirror, neither my husband nor I like my hair too curly which it was, I didn
t even get to look in the mirror before I left the room to go down for the ceremony as my mum was sorting her hair and stressing infront of it.
I now look at my photos and think I wish I had been more vocal and told everyone to stop and I was not going anywhere untill I was completely happy.
I can not really remember the ceremony which I am most sad about, I do not feel that I took it in as we said our vowels and that really hurts me as that is what the day was about.
Everything about the day is such a blur I feel like I was robbed of our day and am trying to piece it together looking at photos like I have memory loss. I can not remember how each moment felt and I regret that I did not pause to savour any of it, I feel like I was ushered and rushed from one moment to the next and I wish I had paused to savour each one. My husband and I didnt take anytime for our selves infact, I dont feel like we saw each other during the reception at all, that is my other regret that I danced the whole night, I really do mean the whole night and, did not really talk to my guests, I did not mean to we only had 50 close friends and family and they do all mean so much to me this is why I am so upset but, there was great song after great song, I wish someone had dragged me away from the dancefloor as I am so emabrrassed that I did not talk to my guests that is awful I feel terrible and like the worst most rude bride in the world.
I know all these things probably seem silly and my husband is cross and upset that I feel like this but, I feel I lost our wedding day and I want to do the whole day again and do it right this time and remeber it and take it in. we have 4 weddings to go to this year and at the moment I do not feel I can go to them as I feel so envious that they have their day and I did not really live mine, this is awful as its obviously not their fault and I want to support them like they did for us, I don`t want to feel like this even a little bit.
Thank you for sticking with me and reading this long long post I feel a little better having got it off my chest, I know I am being awful feeling like this but I needed to vent here as my husband gets cross when I talk about it and I do not want my friends to know I feel like this as I am supposed to be the happy newley wed!