Post # 1
Member
15 posts
Newbee
and ashamed of feeling that way.
Hi everyone, I’m new here. I am feeling kind of down tonight and was hoping for some words of encouragement.
Just a little background: My SO and I have been together for just under 6 years, we’re both in our late 30s, never been married and no kids. We have been living together for about 5.5 years, we rent a house together. We’ve had NUMEROUS talks about marriage and even looked at rings once, about this time last year. I’m really not sure why I’m still waiting for a ring as I can’t seem to get a clear answer on the subject. He says he loves me and that we’ll get married “someday” but he’s just “not quite ready yet”. I get a lot of reassurances but I’m starting to think it’s never going to happen, that he’s just fine with the way things are.
So, the reason I’m feeling sorry for myself is that I have a close friend who is also in her late 30s, never been married and no kids. She has always been the only person I could talk to about my disappointment with the whole situation because, having been with her SO for 4 years and in the same boat she knows exactly how I feel. Well she is currently on vacation with her SO and she called to tell me that he proposed and sent pictures of her beautiful ring. Of course I’m so happy for her and I’m not jealous in any sort of mean way but I still got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and then later that night I felt like I was holding back tears for most of the night. I feel so envious and I hate feeling this way. I also feel like I am truly alone now with no one to talk to about these things and at my age I am the very last of my friends who is not engaged or married (some got married years ago and are now divorced). I just feel so mood-swingy right now that I am avoiding my SO a bit for fear that I will start crying or get all emotional and scare the crap out of him. Being that most of my friends married years ago I haven’t really run into this sort of envy. I had a another close friend who married in ’07 and I was a Bridesmaid in her wedding. I kind of got wedding fever but I kept my mouth shut because that was only a year into our relationship – I felt a tad envious then but it was nothing like this. If anyone else ever feels/felt this way, how did you deal with it?
Thanks for any words of wisdom 🙂
Post # 3
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I can totally see where you’re coming from. Maybe you should sit down with you SO and have a heart to heart about what you would like to see happen with your relationship? Etiher way, I sorry you’re sad. Hugs!
Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
Yes, I’ve felt this way before. The day after I found out I felt so much better about the whole thing and I never let on to my friend that I was having a pity party lol. In fact, I asked to see her ring, asked if she was going to start planning right away, and I just pretty much got over it.
I think you will, too…especially if you’re not accustomed to being envious. It really sucks feeling that way and knowing that you should be happy… but I think that’s what ends up making you get over it if that makes sense? You’ll probably snap yourself out of it. Some people are always envious and don’t think about it much.
In the meantime, just talk to your SO about what’s going on with you two! Maybe you’ll feel better if you just know for sure that you’re both on the same page or at least headed in the same direction…
Post # 5
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
Aww, sweetie! I know this feels terrible..a lot of us have been there (I sure have)! You still have us! 🙂 I think I say the same thing all the time so you may read this elsewhere (but of course I still fall into the wedding fever trap every once in a while anyway). It is completely NORMAL for you to feel this way and that is OKAY! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think it is important to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel them.
You aren’t quite where you want to be right now. At this point, it might be good to take a step back and reevaluate the things that are in your life – not to make any decisions but just to have a clearer picture of what is important to you. Try to do this when you have some peace and quiet, somewhere calming. What does marriage mean to you? What does family? Having kids? Is your SO the person that you want to engage in those things with or is he just the person who is in your life right now?
Then you may want to talk with your SO about these same topics – he says he isn’t ready but you don’t quite know why. Perhaps he has a different idea of what marriage is/should be. I wouldn’t bring up your desire to get married during this discussion. The first step is to gain understanding – sometimes this is where the disconnenct begins and not always what you want to hear. If this is important to you, however, it is important for you to start forging more communication about this instead of bottling things up. During these discussions, I would refrain from too much pressure on him until you get a better idea of what is going on. I think that pressuring guys only makes them wait longer and the process more unpleasant.
Hang in there! Hugs!
Post # 6
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
No words of wisdom, but plenty of hugs and empathy.
Your response is a totally human one. You can be happy for someone but still sad at the same time.
I have certainly been there.
Post # 7
Member
27 posts
Newbee
I am in a similar situation to you, OP.
My SO and I have been together just over 5 years now (our 5th anniv. was two weeks ago). I’m probably just a bit younger than you. Since our 5th anniversary, I’ve been very down and concerned. I have been waiting for the right time to have another discussion on the topic, because I feel like if I do not, my resentment will only escalate. The last time we discussed it (Dec.), he “wasn’t ready.” Part of it stems from some concerns about having a child, and we’ve been talking through those issues. I’m not wedded to having a biological child; adoption is an option for us, so the ticking clock isn’t as terrifying as it would be for some women.
We’ve talked about marriage but it seems like I bring it up. I have assured him that I just want a very low-key, small ceremony on the beach or something similar, with just immediate family. Neither of us want a big shindig that requires a lot of $ and planning.
Right now, I really feel like I need a firm timeline. The issue of us not being married comes up more and more in talks with family, especially my dad who I am close with. I am never the one to bring it up, and I always have to choose my words carefully and explain to my dad that SO and I have been “talking about it…” But we’ve been “talking about it” for years now…
The resentment is what’s getting to me, and the thought that he has to know the anxiety that I am experiencing. I’m getting to the point where I am doubting the relationship and his commitment.
I picked up a good book recently called “His Cold Feet” which includes some helpful words to prompt discussion with your SO. Now *I* need to use them in another chat with SO.
Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
OP – I am guessing that after 6 years, and at your ages, you are going to have to decide how important marriage is to you. Because if your SO wanted marriage, and wanted it with you, he would have made it happen by now. I am guessing that he is never going to be “quite ready”. I only say this because instead of letting others get you down about your situation, you could decide to take charge of it – let go of wanting marriage at all, force the hard discussion or move on. But any of that is better than just waiting and being sad!
Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee
Thank you all for your words of advice and wisdom and especially for allowing me to talk about this and get it off my chest. I am starting to feel much better, I guess I just had to have a little pity party for a couple days. I am truly happy for my friend and I am beginning to feel excited to help her plan her wedding! I have decided not to discuss this with my SO because we have just had so many “discussions” that I am tired of them at this point (and I’m sure he is too). But, Janna19, you are right. I am going to have to really decide one way or another what is best for ME and my happiness now and in the future.
Thank you all again 🙂