Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been planning to get married. He knows I have particular taste and has given me a budget so that I can find something I really like.
The part that bothers me is that he didn’t budget for this. He has exactly zero dollars to buy me a ring. We each have our own respective homes and are currently in the process of renting his so that he won’t have to pay a mortgage anymore, and has moved in with me.
He will have to save for about three months to have enough cusion in case there are any major repairs. We talked about him getting a loan for the ring, and we’ve also talked about saving the money for repairs first and then getting a loan, but that would delay our engagement even further. We’ve already been living together a few months now.
I guess I am a little frustrated by his lack of planning. We’ve been together 3 to 4 years now, and it really bothers me that he hasn’t saved even a little money. I can’t help but feel like I’ll be paying for my own ring, or at least part of it,or waiting years for him to be able to save the money. I offered to have him just buy me a band, and he could buy me a bigger ring later, but he didn’t want to do that.
Part of me feels like he’s still not ready to get married, the other part of me feels like he doesn’t want to get me a band because it will hurt his pride for me to be showing off a band instead of a ring with a diamond when he knows that is what I really wanted. (He agrees with the latter theory btw).
On top of everything else, today he called and switched his car insurance and was planning on switching his house insurance, checking account and savings account. It really bothered me that he didn’t involve me in this decision since we’re planning on getting married.
I feel like these decisions are something we should be making together since they will effect both of us in the long run. He said that since we’re not married yet, and our accounts are still all seperate he thought this was his decision to make. If he makes these changes we’ll be going into our marriage with 3 different banks and 2 different insurance companies.
I’m sure some of you ladies have had similar experiences. Please share!!
Post # 3
I can tell that you are bothered but it doesn’t sound so bad overall. I myself have three banks & two insurance companies!
There must be reasons that you know about for why he hasn’t saved any money in the last few years. Even if it wasn’t for a ring, I assume he would have tried to save money in general. So is there something going on there?
I wouldn’t be too offended that he left you out of the account switching, it sounds like he was doing you a favor (like keeping the burden from you). Can you imagine how annoying it would be if you had to remind him to do those things? Instead he just went and did it.
Post # 4
@LucyLaLa: You’re so right. I should have appreciated him getting that part of it out of the way. We’ve been doing a lot lately, and I think he feels behind on a lot of things; and the stress of merging everything has been hard on both of us. I talked to him about it, and he said we could do whatever I waned to do, and I told him that I really just wanted to be involved in the decisions that effect both of us. I don’t think he totally gets it, but at least he was willing to hear me out. There are much worse things I could be complaining about, so I should count myself lucky that these are our problems.
As for saving for the ring; it does still bother me that he hasn’t saved at least something, and I think it’s becuase I feel like he was never planning on marrying me. I guess I should let that go, maybe some people don’t know until they know?
Post # 5
@hfwildcat: If you want to get engaged sooner, why let money get in the way? Is there any way you’d consider getting a less expensive ring? Also, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with helping to pay for the ring! What he spends isn’t equivalent to how much he loves you. I can understand being upset that he hasn’t saved anything, but I wouldn’t equate that to not wanting to marry you.
All this said, it sounds like it will make a lot of sense to have a serious talk about timelines or you may be living together without an engagement for some time.
Post # 6
@hfwildcat: Its funny because my bf of almost 4 years has the opposite problem, he has plenty of money just waiting to be spent on a ring but instead he spends his money investing in his hobbies, has no sense of urgency with planning a proposal. Its crazy how life works-my ex was flat broke but wanted to marry me after like 6 months of being with me but didn’t have the money for a ring.
I have learned as a woman, I will never have it all. My advice to you (although I hardly feel qualified to give any) is that however you work it out-it should be him buying the ring-not you. If you want to get engaged ASAP-than maybe you could consider widening your ring preferences a bit? (some people buy the setting they want and just use a cheaper stone until they can afford a diamond) Or you could discuss with him your concerns and suggest he may need to stick to a strict budget for the next few months in order for him to come up with the money. If he wants to marry you, a few months of a tight budget is an easy sacrifice.
I’ve told my man I would be happy with a band, I don’t care about diamonds or the four C’s or any of that junk. All I care about is the gesture and what it means to me. All I friggen want is to hear him ask me, if he didn’t have a ring I would still say yes. I have literally taken money out of the equation and he still cant seem to propose. Crazy ain’t it?
Post # 7
@kaylaann: Yeah, I wanted to do the band thing but he didn’t go for it. I told him we should do the wedding band first, then we could do the engagement ring later, that way we could save. He didn’t go for it. I think it’s a pride thing. He said he didn’t want me showing off a band.
It’s so frustrating!! Ugh!!
I’m probably just being a baby.