(Closed) Feeling guilt about TTC

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

as someone who went through infetility and needed IVF to conceive my son, you can’t put your life on hold for someone else. 

just be extra sensitive when talking about the topic and don’t bring it up unnecceasily.  your sister will be happy for you when you are successful, even if she is sad for herself.

Post # 3
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I am so sorry about the loss of your unborn niece! This is a REALLY tough situation to be in…and everyone is going to have their own opinion. Your sister is already aware you are going to start TTC. It won’t matter if you get pregnant this month or six months from now, she will likely feel some sting. If it were me personally I wouldn’t put my TTC plans on hold. Just remember, when you do get pregnant to approach her with the utmost tact and tenderness.

Post # 4
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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TXbride2015 :  I have friends who are struggling with infertility and have been the person who has struggled with getting pregnant.  My honest answer is to just try.  When you tell people who are struggling or people like your sister, tell them privately so they can have their moment to morn (actually completely okay to tell via E-mail, text) I was actually surprised when a friend who was struggling was one of the most excited people I told.  

On the other hand, I honestly totally broke down when I found out my cousin who hadn’t been married long got pregnant. We found out via email, which was nice because I had a nice cry with my DH and could be excited for her when I saw her next.

Post # 6
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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TXbride2015 :  I am so sorry for your loss!  You must be a windstorm of emotion, including grieving for your niece and supporting your sister and her family.  What do you think she would say if the situation was different?  For example, let’s say that instead of your sister, this happened to a friend of yours and you went to your sister for advice with this same question.  Ask yourself what advice your sister would give you.

My own advice is to start ttc because you never know what can happen, and you can’t put your life on hold.  Maybe not talk about it with her unless she brings it up, but still start trying.

Post # 7
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

i am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing for your sister to go through. my cousin had a miscarriage around 20 weeks and we had watched her weekly updates on facebook with her adorable bump, only to suffer a loss. it’s hard to even find words, especially when it’s so late in the pregnancy. i’m sure your sister will be leaning on you for your love and support.

that being said, as PP’s have posted, you can’t halt your plans. i wouldn’t talk about it to her, although i’m sure she still remembers you’re TTC. her pain is raw now, but if you were to get pregnant, your baby will only bring more love into your extended family. i would avoid bringing it up so you can just focus on your sister’s needs now, and when you become pregnant, just be sensitive about it.

not as similar – but one of my closest friends is going to find out soon whether or not she can have kids, and we’re actively TTC. i haven’t brought it up because i want to “protect” her i guess, and i know it’ll hurt if we get pregnant and they can’t. she actually asked me last week if we were trying and i didn’t know how to respond, so i gave her a half-assed “kind of” because i didn’t want to make her upset, and she point blank told me not to hide things from her because “i think it will upset her and feel bad” and that she’ll want to know when it happens.

when your sister is comfortable about hearing your baby plans, she’ll probably ask. good luck to all of you as you go through this <3

Post # 9
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
TXbride2015 :  Wow, that’s awful!!  And it certainly adds a lot more complexity and emotions to the mix!  I can’t even imagine what’s going through her head.

I still don’t have any advice beyond just be there and support her, at the same time privately TTC.  It won’t do either of you any good to try to predict future conversations when there are so many unknowns in the air.  You won’t know when you’ll get pregnant any more than what gender you’ll have, and each of those will have to be tackled with her one at a time.  I’m so sorry that you are both going through this, and I’m that that your mom and husband are being so supportive. 

Post # 10
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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TXbride2015 :  It may seem impersonal, but it gives people time to have an honest, emotional reaction, without the social pressure to be happy for you at the exact moment.  I would have hated to have the “why not me” moment infront of anyone other than my DH.  I am glad to have mainly had those moments in private.  I could plaster on a smile after raging about how unfair life was in private.  

You can “tell” the same person twice, like one heads up email to your SIL followed by telling her, her DH and your nephews in person.  That was actually my way of handling people who could be hurt by our news. It seemed to work. 

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