Post # 1
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
So I’m currently on CD9 and DH and I have been planning on starting to TTC this month for a year or so. Obviously I’ve been impatiently waiting for this exact moment. Over this past year all of my best friends have gotten pregnant… including m older sister. She already has 3 boys (youngest is 4) and was not planning to get pregnant, It was a surprise to everyone. We found out she was finally having the girl she wanted and I was really excited to hopefully be able to be pregnant at the same time as her. At the very least happy to think my first could have a cousin close in age.
However, Friday morning I was woken up with the call that my sister lost the baby. Woke up with terrible pain, went to the ER and there was no heartbeat. She was almost 16 weeks, so they broke her water and she delivered her baby girl. Stayed in labor for over a day to see if she would pass the placenta and some clots. Finally had a procedure to remove them Saturday.
I cannot imagine the pain she’s going through. I hate to hear her in pain. I even feel like I’ve lost something too even though it still seemed so new. It also really scares me. I know I’m still only 32, but I worry about conceiving, and now I’m a lot more scared of MC than I was before.
But now here I am, entering my fertile window. In the month my sister knows we were going to start TTC. And I just feel conflicted about it. I’ve been waiting for this for so long. I worry about how my sister would take the news from me now, that it would upset her. That it feels like I’m not supposed to be happy yet. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn’t put my life on hold either. I feel like it would be easier to continue with our plans if I was a week or two away from my FW/O, but I’ll probably O Friday (mayber Saturday), the time is here and everything with my sister is still so fresh.
I had some other friends who have/are currently struggling with infertility, and I’ve worried about their reactions when it happens, if it happens quickly/easily, but understand that everyone is different and I might struggle too and it’s just a complete unknown. It’s just different with it being my sister and a loss.
Anyone been through something similar? Any words of advise?
Post # 2
Member
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
as someone who went through infetility and needed IVF to conceive my son, you can’t put your life on hold for someone else.
just be extra sensitive when talking about the topic and don’t bring it up unnecceasily. your sister will be happy for you when you are successful, even if she is sad for herself.
Post # 3
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I am so sorry about the loss of your unborn niece! This is a REALLY tough situation to be in…and everyone is going to have their own opinion. Your sister is already aware you are going to start TTC. It won’t matter if you get pregnant this month or six months from now, she will likely feel some sting. If it were me personally I wouldn’t put my TTC plans on hold. Just remember, when you do get pregnant to approach her with the utmost tact and tenderness.
Post # 4
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
TXbride2015 : I have friends who are struggling with infertility and have been the person who has struggled with getting pregnant. My honest answer is to just try. When you tell people who are struggling or people like your sister, tell them privately so they can have their moment to morn (actually completely okay to tell via E-mail, text) I was actually surprised when a friend who was struggling was one of the most excited people I told.
On the other hand, I honestly totally broke down when I found out my cousin who hadn’t been married long got pregnant. We found out via email, which was nice because I had a nice cry with my DH and could be excited for her when I saw her next.
Post # 5
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
ajillity81 : snowflake8 : Thanks. I “know” I shouldn’t put my plans on hold. And that it will remind her of her loss regardless if it happens this month or in 6 months. I think I really just needed to hear it from someone else.
Misswhowedding : I have already planned to tell the friends who are currently struggling privately. One of those friends, she found out her brother and SIL conceived on the 2nd month TTC and she said it stung even though she finally has a beautiful baby girl via IVF. Another friend is on Clomid and I know it will be hard on her also.
I hadn’t thought of using text or email. It seems so impersonal, especially to tell my sister. But it might be worth seeing how she’s doing at that time… or waiting longer than I normally would have to tell her. There’s so many BAD ways and times to do it… but none that are actually good in this situation.
Post # 6
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
TXbride2015 : I am so sorry for your loss! You must be a windstorm of emotion, including grieving for your niece and supporting your sister and her family. What do you think she would say if the situation was different? For example, let’s say that instead of your sister, this happened to a friend of yours and you went to your sister for advice with this same question. Ask yourself what advice your sister would give you.
My own advice is to start ttc because you never know what can happen, and you can’t put your life on hold. Maybe not talk about it with her unless she brings it up, but still start trying.
Post # 7
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
i am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing for your sister to go through. my cousin had a miscarriage around 20 weeks and we had watched her weekly updates on facebook with her adorable bump, only to suffer a loss. it’s hard to even find words, especially when it’s so late in the pregnancy. i’m sure your sister will be leaning on you for your love and support.
that being said, as PP’s have posted, you can’t halt your plans. i wouldn’t talk about it to her, although i’m sure she still remembers you’re TTC. her pain is raw now, but if you were to get pregnant, your baby will only bring more love into your extended family. i would avoid bringing it up so you can just focus on your sister’s needs now, and when you become pregnant, just be sensitive about it.
not as similar – but one of my closest friends is going to find out soon whether or not she can have kids, and we’re actively TTC. i haven’t brought it up because i want to “protect” her i guess, and i know it’ll hurt if we get pregnant and they can’t. she actually asked me last week if we were trying and i didn’t know how to respond, so i gave her a half-assed “kind of” because i didn’t want to make her upset, and she point blank told me not to hide things from her because “i think it will upset her and feel bad” and that she’ll want to know when it happens.
when your sister is comfortable about hearing your baby plans, she’ll probably ask. good luck to all of you as you go through this <3
Post # 8
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
Kannon : Well, there’s a bit more to the situation.
Everyone thought she was done having kids and I thought for a long time I’d get the chance to have the first girl in the family. All of my best friends being pregnant/having newborns and knowing my time was so close to my turn to TTC has been hard. Seeing them all have what I want so badly and my husband didn’t really work with me to determine a date and just gave me one… It’s been hard just getting to this point.
So now my sister had this surprise pregnancy, it’s finally a girl, and everyone was like “oh I thought it was TXbride’s turn!” and it stung… but I got over it and it is what it is and I was going to love that girl because I love my sister and was happy for her.
Well my sister was worried I was way more upset than I was. She called me out for it and said some really horrible things… the worst of which was asking if I would celebrate the baby’s death if she miscarried. I stayed calm, I explained to her my feelings and we worked it out and she apologized and cried for saying/suggesting those things. She said she understood my feelings and never considered that it was just her pregnancy, or it being a girl, or how waiting for my time to come must be when almost everyone I’m close to else is pregnant. Things were great and we were all happy and I was finally starting my first TTC month.
But she lost the baby. Her heart stopped beating and my sister lost her daughter.
And now I can’t get those words out of my head. I’m terrified it’s crossed her mind or will. I’m scared to not only get pregnant, but to then have a girl. Like she will resent me or this baby. As if she’ll think I jumped on the chance to “beat her” like it was a competition.
I’ve talked to my mom and husband about this fear specifically and they both said she knows that I would never feel that way and that I’ve been heartbroken for her. I keep trying to take the fight and those words of hers out of the situation but just can’t shake it…
On the other side.. I have no idea when she does from here. She’s already meantioned wanting to get healthy and get pregnant again ASAP. Maybe it’s just the emotions talking, maybe it’s not. Either way I don’t think getting pregnant now or in 6 months would be any easier for her and I’m trying to remember that. And how I tell her and talk to her during a potential pregnancy will definitely change.
i just feel like I’m in an impossible situation.
Post # 9
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
TXbride2015 : Wow, that’s awful!! And it certainly adds a lot more complexity and emotions to the mix! I can’t even imagine what’s going through her head.
I still don’t have any advice beyond just be there and support her, at the same time privately TTC. It won’t do either of you any good to try to predict future conversations when there are so many unknowns in the air. You won’t know when you’ll get pregnant any more than what gender you’ll have, and each of those will have to be tackled with her one at a time. I’m so sorry that you are both going through this, and I’m that that your mom and husband are being so supportive.
Post # 10
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
TXbride2015 : It may seem impersonal, but it gives people time to have an honest, emotional reaction, without the social pressure to be happy for you at the exact moment. I would have hated to have the “why not me” moment infront of anyone other than my DH. I am glad to have mainly had those moments in private. I could plaster on a smile after raging about how unfair life was in private.
You can “tell” the same person twice, like one heads up email to your SIL followed by telling her, her DH and your nephews in person. That was actually my way of handling people who could be hurt by our news. It seemed to work.