(Closed) Feeling guilted into having a mass

posted 5 years ago in Catholic
Post # 3
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I am not catholic, but I grew up in a family where my dad’s family was very catholic and my mom’s was non-religious and I attended church as well as many baptisms, etc in the catholic church, so I definitely get the importance of mass. 

However, if you and your fiance have decided you do not want to incorporate it in the ceremony, then you need to make your views heard to the priest. Something maybe along these lines…

_______,  we are new to this parish and are very excited to be part of the community here. We are thrilled that you will be marrying us and would like to let you know our wishes for the ceremony. We have discussed it together again after our meeting, and as one of the first decisions we will make in our new life together, is to have our ceremony without a mass included. Please understand that we are both very much true to our faith but we prefer it to be this way. 

Post # 4
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with PP. You need to tell the priest your wishes and make sure he understands them. You shouldn’t feel forced to do something you don’t want to do for your wedding. When you look back you don’t want to have negative feelings and memories of your ceremony because it’s not what you wanted. My Fiance and I went back and forth on having a mass and not having a mass for our wedding. We decided to have a mass because that is what WE wanted, not what the priest wanted.

Post # 5
805 posts
Busy bee

I definitely agree with the PPs – be repectful but also very clear about you want. You’re adults, you should be allowed to decide how you want your ceremony!

Post # 6
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@kimmo416:  We are the opposite, both my fiancé and I are Cathoilc and we aren’t concerned about what are guests are going to think.  We are having mass even though only a third of our guests are Cathoilc.  We feel privileged to be able to have mass.  That being said, if our priest suggested that we don’t have mass because it would make our non Cathoilc guests uncomfortable, I would still be adamant about having mass because it is important to us.


Stick to what you believe is right.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, even if it is the priest.

Post # 7
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@kimmo416:  Tell him you have readers that very much want to participate in that way in the wedding, but they are not Catholic.  Then find someone who fits that bill, lol.

Post # 8
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Can you ask him for a shortened mass? I once went to one that had the reading,  homily, sacrament, and eucharist all in about 30 min. I was pleasantly surprised. 

Post # 10
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@kimmo416:  I’m on the same boat!  While we don’t mind expanding the Mass for an extra 20 minutes, we rather leave out the Eucharist.  I would say more than 60% of our guests are non-Catholics, including my family.  Our priest recommended doing the whole Nupital Mass but we feel strongly of respecting our guests’ beliefs by cutting it off.  In fact, FSIL’s wedding also left off the Eucharist and both were Catholic.

Like everyone said here, talk to your priest about it and stand your ground.

Post # 11
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The priest has a true point that is “preferred” for two Catholic to have a full mass – it is a great way to start out your married life by receiving communion together! You could have a full Mass but where ONLY the bride and the groom receive communion. It’s perfectly legit. That way, no one feels “left out,” plus that will shorten the length of the ceremony compared to one where almost everyone receives communion.

Post # 13
589 posts
Busy bee

Please excuse my ignorance on the subject, but I thought if you were getting married in a Catholic Chuch that there would automatically be a mass.  I did not realize that you can have the option to not have it.  But anyway I don’t have any opinion on how to discuss it with the prist but just want to say that when I went to Catholic weddings with full mass, I did not feel offended or uncomfortable in any ways.  Even if I did not belive in the same thing, I fully repected the rights of the bride/groom to have whatever kind of ceremony they want. 

Post # 14
48 posts
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kimmo416:  My take on this is, the bride and groom are Catholic and so naturally, the Priest will recommend that you have a Catholic ceremony.

We discussed it and decided that it would be most respectful to us, our families and our guests to have the service of the eucharist as an option and also allow guests who do not wish to participate, the option to stay sitting or to receive a blessing. However, you should be able to be honest with your Priest. Request a meeting and do your best to convey your wishes.

I’m not sure where you are but in Toronto, if you request to have a non-Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church the church must send out a form to the Archdiosis of Toronto before a non-Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church can be authorized. I’m not sure what the grounds are, but I guess the Archdiosis can refuse to marry you. Ask your Priest about this; perhaps he is trying to avoid this? It can become very complicated.

Good luck!


Post # 16
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kimmo416:  Oh! Did you and Fiance end up going w/ St. Monica?! (if not, disregard everything I’m about to say…lol) If so, Father B did the same thing to us. We didn’t want a full mass either, but we were so beaten down by trying to find a church that we just agreed.  However, Father B seems pretty cool, so I’m sure he’ll budge if you politely decline (again). 


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