- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
Im feeling guility over what Im feeling. Yup doesnt make sense….let me explain.
Im newly married (May 21st) and we have decided to TTC immediatly. Im turning 35 in August – this s the reason for the rush. He is 30.
I honestly didnt want to have anymore children. I have a 14 year old from a previous relationship when i was younger…never married her dad, and her dad is in her life. She actually decided last year she wanted to try living with him for the first time ever….reluctantly I let her go after her bugging me for 2 years.
I had initially wanted more children a few years back….in fact I had the worst baby fever imaginable when i hit 29 and it stuck with me till about 31. Well Hubby and I have been together since I was 27…yup we have been together for over 7 years. I had always told him I did not want to go have anymore children beyond the age of 32.
I never pushed for a proposal…..never nagged him about getting married. I did not want to someone to marry me because I pressured him…..but i did tell him i wanted to get married and let him know my desire not to have children beyond 32. I knew he would ask when he was ready….if he was ever ready. Marriage and kids were something i knew he wanted eventually….it just took him a long time to realize that you cant always wait till life is perfect to take those steps…perfection is hard to come by….so eventually he asked.
At the time of proposial I told him my desire for more kids was gone. I no longer wished to have any more…this was a discussion we needed to have. Ha has no kids and has gotten to a point where he was ready and wanted them. To him it was a deal breaker. So i agreed to having 1. He is ok with that. I have to admit i had often tried to playfully convice him why a childfree life was not such a bad thing (go where you want – when – for how long, more money for other enjoyable luxuries…blah blah, etc….) Always kind of kidding but trying to see if he would change his mind.
Well right before the wedding he said we did not have to if I REALLY didnt want to. I told him that “No… knew he wanted a child of his own and we would have 1” Besides….if you could see my husband with his nieces and nephews and even helping coach his best friends kids soccer and baseball teams…..you would see in him that he wants to be a dad so bad….and he is going to be an amazing one at that.
Here is where my guilt comes in. I dont think we succeeded in getting pregnant. I have to reason to officially feel this way….its just my gut. My TOM isnt due till the 13th so i have a little more time before I know for sure….but my gut says no.
Im angry. Im going to be upset if this does not happen right away. Im going to bI end up being a 36, 37, 38 year old pregnant new mom. Im going to be angry at husband for making me wait so long to do this. I already feel it. nreasonable I know…..Im PMSing. I know it. I have been all consumed with “OK lets get this over with….i need to get pregnant so that i dont have to be a late 30’s new mom”
Im going to resent my husband really really badly if im a 36+ year old and pregnant. Im evil….I know. Im mad at having to do this NOW instead of when i was just a few years younger and ready. Everything has always been on his timeline and this time im going to be physically and emotionally effected by it.
Its been making me be not very nice to him and we JUST got married. I had no idea this was going to make me feel like this.
Sorry for the novel