(Closed) Feeling guilty….

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
44 posts
  • Wedding: January 2010

Best of luck with the TTC.  I used to live in a big city where the average age for first time Moms was over 30.  Lots of ladies have babies at your age, and even younger Moms sometimes take a longer time to get preggos. I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect for it to stick the first time.  

As for being resentful of your hubbie for the timing of things, well, I think you do have to work through that and leave it behind.  If it’s something you are agreeing to do, then you have to go with it. You’re not that old at all.  Plus, if you are in good shape, your ‘true age’ may be even younger (hello Dr. Oz).  

You love him and doing this with him is a beautiful thing. 

Post # 4
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I live in NYC, and the avg age for first time moms is definitely over 30.  Also, I know its hard not beting successful on teh first try, but keep in mind that most people arent. Those that are-are in the minorty.  The average time is something like 6-12 months, so cut yourself some slack if it doesnt work this time.  It could work next time.  And there are plenty of moms ahead of you age-wise who are getting pregnant.  I wouldnt worry too much.  Good luck!

Post # 6
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

When and if you have a baby is definitely a decision you have to make together, but I wanted to quickly address your migraine issue. One of my best friends has had migraines almost her entire life, the kind that leave her cripped in bed and throwing up for a good 12 hours straight. She had her daughter at 23 and can honestly say that being pregnant was the only time she DIDN’T get migraines! With all the hormonal changes, a lot of people see changes in their normal ailments so it’s not a guarantee that you’d have migraines while pregnant. 

Also, I live in a major city and agree with pp, most moms are over 30. My own mom had me at 35 and my sister at 39! I’ve also been nannying for years while I am in school and every family I work for has a mom who had her kids in her late 30’s or early 40’s.  

Post # 8
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@K_alecia: ((hugs))) I think you should talk to him about how this is making you feel. Maybe he needs to know before real deep resentment comes up.

I feel you on the close to 40 thing. My SO says the same thing about 35, but my preference is to be done by then.(I’m 30 and pregnant with my 1st.)

Post # 10
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

First off, congrats on your marriage! ๐Ÿ™‚

Sorry to hear about how resentful and guilty you are feeling. However, I think it’s normal. You were clear about your feelings years ago, when he didn’t propose, and again when he proposed. When it comes down to it, it just sucks that his timeline is slower than yours.

The thing is that you can’t change the situation or past. It is what it is, and you guys got engaged and married when you did. You also can’t change him– he feels a certain way (didn’t want kids yet in the beginning, and now he is ready). The only thing you can change is YOU.

I know how frustrating it is, because I have been there. My husband was much slower to be ready for kids. But the only thing that helped me stop being so resentful was to adjust my expectations. After all, my husband’s feeling were half of the equation and that is what being married is about. So I adjusted, and just gave up on wanting MY timeline. By changing my expectations, I all of a sudden felt SO MUCH BETTER. And TTC should be a happy time, so you don’t want it to be filled with resentment.

You have two choices… either give up on having things “your way” and start TTC with an open mind, or just decide NOT to TTC. I think if you can move on from your expectations and the fact that things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to, then this experience will be so much better for you and your husband.

Also, reset your expectations a little. 35 isn’t that old. Nor is 36, or 37. I KNOW it isn’t as young as you wanted to be for motherhood, but it really isn’t that old. And, it’s ok if it takes a few months or more to get pregnant. If you tell yourself that you will be upset/resentful if you aren’t pregnant this month (the first try!), then it might be a long, negative road as you try to conceive. I was a control freak in the beginning and it made for much bigger disappointments, in my case.

I completely understand how you feel though… I’ve been there, and it is soooo frustrating. GOOD LUCK!

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