Feeling guilty about engagement

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

Your SO will probably never recover at this rate. She has surrounded herself with a real life pro-ana group. She has gotten you to agree to a regime that allows her ED to thrive.  She thinks she can diet without retriggering — this is like an alcoholic telling you that in preparation for her bachelorette she needs to start having just one drink a day to build up her tolerance. 

Post # 32
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

Dont feel guilty, but it needs to be addressed. It can take years. She needs help. You could broach the idea of just eloping if she won’t work on her eating disorder with a therapist. She can have the wedding she wants if she will be healthy about it. Maybe this could be how she gets on track and gets help with her eating disorder. She needs to realize something she could lose, not just her health but the wedding she wanted. Like a self sabotage (as it is one). She won’t get better for her health but maybe she would for the wedding? But to be honest… knowing how eating disorders work, I’m not sure how well this could turn out. I think it would just result in conflict. But something has to give. 

Post # 33
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

First of all I want to say do not feel guilty in any way, this is not your fault!  Next I know you said she is against treatment but she may possibly go for “alternative ways” for treatment? Maybe you can go with her to the therapist office or even into the appointment if that would make her feel more comfortable. Or even trying some of the online “chat/texting” mental health/theripests to start with until she feels for comfortable seeing someone in person.  But either way bottom line she does need to see a healthcare provider (most people with eating disorders do not want to initially talk to someone), especially since you said you wanted to have children (for women with eating disorders it is very difficult for them to watch their weight go up rapidly when they are pregnant so she will likely need to see a therapist while she is pregnant).  Possibly try reaching out to her friends that have had eating disorders and have had treatment to try and talk to her about how beneficial treatment was for them?

Post # 34
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Without repeating what everyone else have already said I just want to point out that the lowest of the healthy range BMI wise is 18.5. At 5’9’, 125lb is the lowest healthy weight for her. So a goal of 111 is unhealthy at BMI of only 16.3, ie she’s targeting to be quite a bit underweight. How is that not being sick? That goal itself is showing that she IS sick.

To be honest at 5’4 I’ve been around 110 most my life, not for the lack of eating I actually eat quite a lot, and that is at the bottom end of healthy BMI, I’ve been more around 115-120 as I get older just from slower metabolism, but I was shocked how skinny I looked one time when I got back down to 110, not looking unhealthy but just wow look at those ribs it was crazy. I can’t imagine someone 5’9 weighing the same. She’ll look like a skeleton! At 100lb her BMI will be 14.7! Even if you accepted that she didn’t want to seek treatment (which I think is wrong and have huge implications on both of your future lives and your children), I don’t think you understood the boundary that you agreed to. Why 100lb? Is it because it’s a whole number? She would’ve already been way under weight by that stage (precisely 25lb under).

If anything, I would’ve agreed to her maintaining a healthy BMI otherwise I would step in. Being around friends with eating disorders have distorted her views of what’s a normal weight to the point that she thinks being underweight at BMI of 16.3 is quite normal and acceptable.

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