(Closed) Feeling Guilty that I Didn’t Invite Co-Workers

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you are incredibly smart for not inviting your co-workers….office dynamics can always change quickly and it’s probably best not to, especially since you mentioned you wouldn’t have been able to fit them and all their plus ones into the budget (which you could always say is the reason why….not sure why they wouldn’t be able to understand that!)

Post # 4
Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

No, you are not a horrible person; yes, it is incredibly rude of them to talk and joke with you about this. (Not that you couldn’t invite 3/8 coworkers, but you didn’t–you left them ALL out and they should understand and respect that).

Although reception-only is okay to some people, I consider it as rude as a ceremony-only invite. I know that most of the high-cost elements are in the reception, but in the case of a traditional wedding (ie, the ceremony is not a JOP or separate immediate family only or an elopement), it wouldn’t sit well with me to be told, essentially, that I wasn’t good enough to be part of your big moment, especially if others WERE special enough to be part of it!

I think your recourse is to just stand your ground and grin and bear it. It’s not worth discussion–discussing it with them would suggest that you think you need to justify your decision or that you did something wrong, and you didn’t. So just smile and nod and let them run their mouths off until you can bust in and change the subject. They’ll get it eventually and move on. The one thing you CAN’T do is deal with your wedding stuff at work from here on out. 

Post # 5
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Ima call it how I see it.

Your co-workers crossed the line.

Here’s why, a wedding is a special, sacred, intimate ceremony between you and your SO.

Who you choose to have or not have witness and celebrate that is totally between you two.

Please DO NOT be tricked, guilted, or manipulated into thinking that you HAVE to invite them or should feel bad if you cant.

You’re having a small wedding for family and close friends, and that’s it.  If they don’t fit the description then hey it is what it is, you owe them no explanation!

They really should have just accepted you telling them “small wedding-close family and friends only” and they should have left it at that.  For them to push the issue is borderline rude and innappropriate. Okay, not borderline IT IS rude and innapropriate.

That said, enjoy your wedding day with the people that you want by your side, don’t feel obligated to compromise due to pushy coworkers.

Not passing judgement, but you seem to be a little bit of a people pleaser, what can I say takes one to know one.  I have grown a lot in the past 365 days or so, and sometimes you have to decide to do what’s best for YOU!

I’m just calling it how I see it.

There are several people that i “know” co-workers included that will NOT be invited to my ceremony or probably not even informed of it And will probably be offended/dissapointed when they find out.

As far as i’m concerend, who is important to me (close family and friends people I know have my back for life!) is who will be there…acquiantances need not make an appearance. 

Best of luck to you! I hope you make the right decision, or rather a decision that you are comfortable with and can live with. Whatever you decide please don’t beat yourself up for it.

Chin up! Wink

 

 

Post # 6
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you’re wrong for not inviting co workers. We are paying for our wedding and have agreed to only invite close friends and family. I work for a large angency and lots of people know that I’m getting married. I think because people hear you’re getting married they assume they are going to be invited. If they don’t understand that a wedding isn’t a free for all then all well.  Don’t feel guilty about not inviting them. And they are wrong for talking about it and you behind your back.

Post # 7
Bee
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride's residence

I’m a fan of the ‘your wedding, your guest list’ thing — we aren’t inviting any co-workers, at all, and I’m fine with that, even if they might not be (nobody has said anything to me though). I don’t understand why people feel like they are MANDATED to be invited to any wedding, at all, ever — it’s up to the people getting married, not the guests.

Post # 8
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I decided not to invite any of my coworkers. The reason for this is I work in a pretty large company and I really didn’t want anyone to feel left out. For example, one guy I work with had a pretty large wedding and invited almost everyone in our group. Who didn’t he invite…me (and 2 other guys). Now, I wasn’t mad he didn’t invite me, because to be honest, we aren’t really close. But I was sad when everyone was talking about the wedding (which was held at my university) and how much fun they had for weeks afterwards. I just felt excluded. It was then I decided I’d invite them all (at least in my group) or none of them. I decided on none.

 

Its your wedding, don’t feel bad. Some people have joked to me about it and I say, it’s a small wedding, just our family and closest friends.

Post # 9
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are definitely not a horrible person.  I’m in a very similar position to you.  We are having a small wedding, 75 people too; just family and close friends.  I have about 9 co-workers, most of which are married.  As of now, none of them are invited to the wedding.  I too, can’t afford all of these extra people, nor do I want them there.  I feel bad because they ask me about the wedding and how my planning is going (I work with a bunch of women who have children my age).  Even if I could afford it I’m only close enough with about 4 of them. It would be awkward inviting some and not all of them, so I’m opting not to invite any.

I feel your pain!

Post # 10
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I do not think you are horrible at all. I too kind of battled this in my mind. I am a teacher, I’ve taught in one building for 9 years. This past September, I was moved to a new building, which of course was the same time around I got engaged. Problem is I was a lot closer to the people in my old building, and invited them. Although my new friends ask me details etc. all the time, I feel guilty not inviting them. However, it would be very difficult to draw the line so I decided just not to invite anyone from where I work presently. You have to go with what you want, and not what you think you should do.

Post # 11
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re nto wrong, your coworkers are being rude. And making it worse by stressing you out. Rest assured they are not actually coming. Perhaps joke about having bouncers to throw them out. Or making them do the dishes if they come.

Post # 12
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your coworkers are crazy and rude. Your wedding, your guest list.

Post # 13
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is it possible that you talked a lot about your wedding so they felt they were going to be included?  Do you spend a lot of time outside of the office with them, making them think you’re true friends and not just colleagues?

Not to say that it justifies jokes to crash the wedding – they could just be trying to get a rise from you because they can see how worried it makes you. And I agree – reception only invites don’t change a thing since you’re still incurring the expense of an extra 16 people.  Next time someone brings it up just laugh and say ‘if I could only find room for one more person.  Maybe in the storage closet?’ so they get that you’re totally at capacity. 

I can tell you that I wasn’t invited to a wedding for a colleague who I wasn’t close with and other people were and I could care less.  That said, when my manager got married, he invited some coworkers (for political reasons, he was brand new to us), and not me and I was furious.  I still am irritated about it today, which is dumb.  So whatever happens, do not invite some and not the others, it will hurt someone eventually (or forever, if you’re stubborn like me).

Post # 15
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

dont feel guilty about not inviting.. i didnt tell people at work that i got engage because i didnt want them to think i was going to invite them. i got 80 guests, but half of them are family.

 

eventually they found out because i kept researching things for wedding during my lunch breaks.. my work mates always threaten to gate crash (knowing they are joking anyway)… =)

Post # 16
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You have EVERY right to invite who you want to.  This is a day to celebrate the commitment between you and your FI- it is terrible they are gossiping behind your back.  Stand by your decision.  You and your Fiance deserve to have the ceremony/ celebration that you want.

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