- 6 years ago
Sorry! This is a little long…
We went and got our tree today and decorated it. We weren’t planning on exchanging presents for another week but we got caught up in the “spirit” I guess and opened them tonight. He had plans to go out at 9, and I work early on Sunday mornings, so we almost didn’t open them because he thought I’d feel bad about him leaving just a couple hours after. I am actually pretty thankful that it worked out the way it did.
Firstly, he has been telling me for weeks that I am going to love my gift and “flip out” (his words). Normally we do a budget but he told me he was going to ignore it this year. We have been “seriously” talking about getting engaged and browsing rings since February, but this summer he let me know that he was counting on his next tax return to finance the ring so I figured our timeline would be more early-mid 2013. So, obviously, I kept telling myself that we definitely weren’t going to get engaged for Christmas, but it was hard not to let my mind travel there with all his excitement about it. Additionally, friends, coworkers, and even a few family members all seemed to be speculating that it might happen for me this Christmas.
I thought about a few other things that it could be… I thought it might be a pair of diamond earrings, the iPhone 5, or a Kitchenaid Stand Mixer, because those are all things I’ve talked about wanting before but I didn’t want to splurge. It turned out that the big present was the mixer, and I love baking, and it was so thoughtful of him and I am very, very excited to use it because I have never had one before but have always loved using them when I got the chance to bake with friends or family members who owned them. It was really a great gift and he went way overboard.
But the thing is I was kind of bummed that it wasn’t an engagement ring, and I felt bad that the thought even crossed my mind. After I opened it he even said “I know you were probably hoping for a proposal”… and a lump welled up in my throat hearing him say that but I didn’t tear up and I think I contained any disappointment well enough that he didn’t detect it. I had been telling myself, after all, that it was not going to be a proposal. When family members and coworkers would speculate about a holiday season engagement, I always told them I’d be very surprised if that was the case.
But I wanted to be very surprised. And I am very surprised that I felt as let down as I did. I think some of it has to do with the fact that in the last 3 weeks I’ve learned that SO’s mom will almost definitely get engaged this holiday season, and there is a good possibility that one of my best friends will too (her boyfriend asked the ring size, etc., but obviously that doesn’t automatically mean “engagement ring”). We have been dating for several years longer than either of these couples and while I am very happy for them its hard not to be a little jealous and get kind of self conscious about my own relationship situation. If SO’s mom does get engaged that will leave SO and I as the only non-engaged/non-married couple in his entire family. The other unmarried couple that has been engaged for more than a year now also started dating after we did. I can’t help but feel it will be a little embarrassing to show up to these weddings and still be “just a girlfriend”. I guess it is because I think that it looks to other people like he just doesn’t want to marry me because we aren’t engaged yet but have been talking about it for so long. While we have only seriously started talking about an engagement and marriage about 10 months ago, it has been a topic of conversation in our relationship for more than 2 years.
Maybe that little pang of jealousy sparked a lackluster reaction, but it has me really concerned about future “big days” and what my reaction will be then. After all, I did try to reason myself out of this one. Post-tax return season big days will be even harder because I will think of it as 100% possible rather than improbable. In one month, from mid-April to mid-May, we will have our anniversary, my graduation, a post-graduation vacation, and my birthday. I am now really hoping it happens on or before our anniversary (the first of these dates), because I want each of those things to be special and fun (especially the graduation and vacation, because those are not reoccurring things). I worry that if I felt so bummed out about not getting engaged even when I felt 75% sure that it wasn’t going to happen I might actually cry if a big anniversary date or romantic vacation doesn’t yield a proposal. Even though he is very affectionate and sweet and talks about our future all the time the thought does creep into my head that he might doubt his feelings about a future with me because he hasn’t made it official yet.
Ah, I am embarrassed to even write this! But I certainly don’t want to have this conversation with friends and coworkers, who all seemed optimistic that he was just trying to “throw me off the trail”. I figured if anyone would understand, it’d be you other waiting bees! I would never want to give SO a deadline, but now I am kind of considering “barring” those big dates as potential proposal dates because I don’t want to handle the disappointment. I know he would find that invasive and maybe be a little offended, but I was genuinely surprised by the heart-falls-into-stomach lump-in-the-throat feeling I got tonight and don’t want to feel that ever again especially when it would otherwise be such a sweet moment.