(Closed) Feeling heartbroken, selfish, and trapped

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

I feel for you. 🙁  You described exactly the reason I didn’t marry the man I was engaged to when I was in my early 20’s. I’m not sure what to tell you other than I don’t think you’re being selfish, and you are as entitled to have a rewarding career as he is.

Is there any sort of volunteer work where you live that you can get involved with? That might help you feel like you are making the world a better place, even though it’s not quite the type of work you envisioned for yourself.

Post # 4
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@selfishbee:  I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this =(  That must be so hard.  I know you’re wanting to travel alone, but would it be possible for you to go with him for the year he will be leaving to that third world country?  Maybe you could help out and do a little adventuring on your own. 

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Can’t you go with him? Maybe you can find a project/way to volunteer where he will be travelling to? Then you can do exactly what you dreamed of. Even if it’s not right there in the same area…he will be away, so why can’t you travel somewhere too? And if it’s at the same time, then it’s not like you’re the one making the decision to be apart, he did. Explain to him your dreams and that you need to do it for yourself. Then find some opportunities. He needs to understand, and cannot have a problem with it if he’s about to go off to other countries for a year.

Post # 6
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think you are selfish… You have wanted to explore the world all along, and you need to do so either with or without him. You say he is leaving for a year… Why can he do that but you can’t? Also is there any way you can go with him? Maybe that could be your opportunity to get a taste of adventure. 

I think your Darling Husband is being really unfair. He travels alone, so why can’t you? I think you need to plan at least a short trip somewhere within driving distance perhaps that you can go for a few days while he is gone anyways. Explain to him that you have always wanted these things and he is the one doing them. That just isn’t fair. 

Post # 8
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@selfishbee:   I never imagined that marriage meant giving up so many things that I have dreamed of.

Yikes!  That’s not what marriage is about.  It’s a partnership and he should be supporting you.  If he has the luxury of travelling and fulfilling his aspirations, why can’t you? I generally don’t condone making big decisions without your spouses knowledge but he’s left you no choice.  I would research some volunteer opportunities and commit to one.  One that affords you the chance to do something you care about and will be personally rewarding.

I do believe there are some sacrifices in marriage.  But this is just plain wrong.

Post # 9
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Can you save up money to travel on your own during that year hell be away? Can you join the peace corps during that year? If he says no, tell him it’s not up to him to decide what you do while he’s away because it won’t affect him at all whether you’re waiting for him at home or somewhere else. 

If he sees no benefit in volunteering with no pay then tell him it’s your last chance to fulfill your dreams and if he says no this time he’s being selfish. Even on one income, he won’t be providing much for you in that year if you’ll be abroad volunteering. 

Post # 10
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think you’re selfish at all.  You and I have had similar goals and dreams.  I was fortunate enough to have found someone who was willing to let me go by myself or who would do it with me.  I can’t imagine not doing something because I was told by my partner that I couldn’t.  That would be a deal breaker for me.  I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this and I hope you’ll be able to reach some kind of agreement with him.  If anything, he is the selfish one.  From what you wrote, he is more or less dictating your life to you.  I couldn’t handle that.

Post # 11
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@selfishbee:  Can you kick him in the head?  I’m sorry but reading your post makes me furious.  Traveling and being independent from my partner is a huge deal to me and it makes me rage for you that he can’t understand why that is important to you.  The safety issue is bull crap.  This isn’t the 1800s.  There is so much more to life than money.  I work a job that most people wouldn’t even consider because the pay is that bad, but you know what, it makes me happy.  Ugh!  Sorry, but I can feel my blood pressure going up… lol

Post # 12
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow, you don’t sound selfish at ALL, in fact, he does in my opinion. You shouldn’t have to give up ALL of your dreams just to focus on his. And him just brushing off your feelings like “you read too much poetry”. What a douchey thing to say. 

I am one of those people that has crazy wanderlust and is always traveling around (when my failing body permits me to, lol) and seeing/experiencing new things. I think I’d go nuts if I wasn’t able to do this. That’s not to say it’s for EVERYONE, but for those of us that have this need to experience/travel/see/do, being stuck in one place can make us go insane. I’m lucky enough to have a husband that is willing to go on crazy adventures with me. 

You guys need to figure out some sort of compromise. It’s unfair of him to expect you to just cater to his dreams and completely disregard yours. 

Post # 13
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, it doens’t sound like your respective hopes and dreams are being given equal weight.  Also, it seems like there’s a bit of a double standard. 

I would say you’re both being selfish, but that’s not a bad thing.  Sometimes you have to fight for what you really want, and communicate to eachother just how important it is so you can come up with a reasonable compromise.

Why don’t you take the time that he’s away to go somewhere yourself.  Throw caution to the wind, give up/sublet (if you own) your home and both go on your own journey.  Sounds like perfect timing, and there’s no point sitting at home that you don’t even like while he’s away.

Or move yourself into a bigger area, and get yourself a job in your field that also pays well.  That will set you up for a real conversation when he returns about how your career is just as important as his, with a stronger leg to stand on if it doesn’t mean you’ll only have a crappy part time job to survive on. 

Post # 14
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Hear me when I say this:

You are not selfish!!!!

You are not selfish!!!!

You are not selfish!!!!

Your hopes and dreams are just as important as his. You deserve to do the things you would like to do. He is being selfish for being dismissive, in my opinion. He isn’t getting the message when you try to talk to him.

I’ve had the opportunity to travel quite a bit for training with my job, I can tell you there is something about traveling alone and doing your own thing for a week.

Don’t give up your dreams. You will end up really resenting your husband and that may lead to more drastic measures. Like divorce. 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Post # 15
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Life is short and it really is totally unfair that you have given up your dreams while your Darling Husband can freely pursue his. Giant double standard there! No one can tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes, I would be seriously considering looking into a job or volunteer opportunity that allows travel. Unless I am mistaken, there was probably nothing in those marriage vows that stated his dreams and wishes are more important than yours. Years of brewing resentment are not good for a marriage!

Post # 16
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m very independant and told my Fiance that if he ever tried to tie me down I would run. I’m a gypsy at heart. Since we’ve been engaged I have travelled to the Amazon and Peru alone and lived alone in a different city for 4 months. He would prefer it if I stayed home with him but I’ve made it clear that it’s not an option. I would probably be away for a few months of the year annually if I could but we have compromised somewhere between my wanderlust and his stability

What you are asking is not selfish, not unreasonable, not ridiculous or “the result of too much poetry”. You have as much of a right to be happy and live a fulfilled life. You have a right to look back on your life with no regrets. He has no right to mock your dreams.

When he goes away, find a volunteer option overseas and GO! There are many volunteer programs where you can stay and teach English or numerous other activities at minimal cost. Take the first step in taking care of yourself. Otherwise you are going to go crazy and resent him so much that it will have a permanent negative impact on your relationship.

If he’s worth it, he will get over it.

Here are two opportunities to look into:

http://www.unitedplanet.org/

http://www.villagevolunteers.org/

 

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