(Closed) Feeling heartbroken, selfish, and trapped

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

travel while he’s in the 3rd world country, he has no right to control you, it’s your dream, you deserve to fulfill it!

 

Post # 18
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to say that there ARE places you can go where it doesn’t cost a fortune, and where maybe all you had to do was pay for your flight. And, depending on what field you’re in, it might be good for your CV, so you could potentially justify it that way. If you want more info just PM me – I got all my traveling out of my system but I can’t imagine never having gone anywhere so I feel super sorry for you! Big hugs!

 

Edit: You might also be able to find a new job where you work online most of the time and are out traveling a few weeks of the year. I know a few people who do this, and they love it!

Post # 19
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I know how it feels to believe you will never reach your dreams. It is comlpetely disheartening, but I assure you it can get better. You just need to go through the struggle to get where you want to be.

You work part time now. Get a job in your field under ANY circumstance. Whether you have to ravel 30 mins to 2 hours. If you find a job far awway, urge him to relocate instead of you having to commute. If he still resists, I would STILL take the job, and show your DH how ridiculous it is. Do not give up on yourself! After you do that, save enough money to cover expenses so you can travel abroad to help others. You coud also look for work with a company that is affiliated with outreach programs.

I wish you luck. You are NOT selfish for having hopes and dreams. I feel that your DH is the one who is being selfish in this case by not taking your dreams seriously and by not comprimising to relocate.

Post # 20
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@selfishbee:  you are way too young to give up your dreams for someone else!! It sounds like you want to grow and I don’t think you should let your husband hold you back from that, afterall he is getting to do what he wants. 

Post # 21
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re no more selfish than he is, and quite a bit less, because you’ve supported his career goals for the course of your marriage.

There is literally no reason that I can think of (you don’t mention kids) why you shouldn’t travel and do what you want to do for the year that he’s away. Start looking into internships and volunteer opportunities that overlap that period of time and just. go.

Post # 22
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m assuming you told him all these feelings that you’re sharing with us (that you feel trapped, that you feel like your life ended at 23)? I know you said you’ve told him you want to travel, but it’s hard to tell from a post if you’ve communicated the actual importance of this in adding value to your life. I’m not saying you haven’t, I’m just saying that my response would be different based on what exactly you’ve communicated, and how he’s reacted to that specifically (i.e. is he just being incredibly dense, or is he actually being a straight up jerk).

I moved across country to a fairly rural area with my son for my DH’s job. I don’t have any friends here, and I haven’t been able to find a job in a field I’d like. We both love traveling, and I had previously dreamed of working as a teacher in France. My DH LOVES his job, it’s exactly what he needs to advance his career, and he gets to travel relatively frequently, so I totally get where you’re coming from. However, I have made it clear to my DH that I love travel, too, and he makes a conscious effort to try to include me in his travels whenever possible. He even convinced his work to bring me to an out of country conference to hand out pamphlets. I get to travel along with him about half the time, so I don’t resent the other half. Even if I wasn’t included as often as I am, the fact that my DH acknowledges that it might be hard for me to be left behind in a town that was chosen for his job, and does his best to make me happy, even if that means funding trips for me to my hometown (alone, not his preference, but we make it work) or applying for jobs in France occasionally, just in case (he hasn’t gotten accepted, but he applies when he sees openings).

My point is that your spouses attitude can make all the difference. Both spouses have to be willing to bend, and, even if reality doesn’t allow us to be following our dreams right now, our SO should still understand how we’re feeling. I might be making some sacrifices now, but, 10 years down the road, my DH might be the one to make sacrifices for me to live my dreams.

I agree with the PPs that you should look for things to do on your own. Maybe volunteering in your area, looking into groups that go for week long volunteer missions abroad, etc. Communicate your true feelings to your SO, don’t keep them to yourself.

Best of luck, I hope it all works out for you!

Post # 23
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He sounds selfish, but another thing I don’t think I’ve seen addressed is he seems insecure.  He has you trapped in a bubble in a little town with a pt job and no friends!!  I think he is scared if he lets you go off and explore he might lose you.  I think in the end his controlling behavior will drive you away anyway.   

Maybe there can be a compromise.  Do you guys travel togeter, and is that something that might be an option that would satisfy both of you?  My Fiance and I LOVE traveling, we go all over the world and are always trying to escape on long weekend trips when we can.  Neither he nor I would ever go alone, it’s much more fun to us to experience these fun things and make new memories together.  Everyone is different though, and I guess some people need their space.  

Post # 24
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m ending up being the one having to give up some of my dreams (getting a PhD, becoming a professor) to make our marriage work  but my Fiance is always cognizant of that and does everything in his power to make sure that I’m going to be fulfilled in other ways. He’s so grateful that I’m doing it. In the end, either he was going to have to give up his dream career, or I was going to have to give up mine, or we would have to end it. We were both willing to give ours up, it’s just that he’s already established, whereas I would need to continue school for years first, so it just made more sense to stick with his career. But because he knows that I’ve given these things up, he’s fine with me volunteering instead of working, he makes sure that we get to travel a lot. He makes sure that he’s never going to feel resentful if I’ve spent my day reading up on the stuff I wanted to study in grad school while he works.

My point is that, in a similar situation (where you’ve had to give a lot up), he could react differently. He could recognize the sacrifices you’ve made and try his best to make sure, every day, that you know you made the right decision to put your marriage to him above other things you wanted to do. He could be grateful for that instead of making you feel bad for feeling unfulfilled.

You need to talk to him, stat. Marriage counselling would be a great place to air out what’s going on.

Post # 25
Member
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My ex was furious with me when I wanted to do a two-month study abroad program one summer in college. My current SO was encouraging when I wanted to spend two YEARS abroad teaching English. To me, the difference in attitude spoke volumes about the kind of person each of them is and the love and respect for me each of them had.

It is not right that your husband has so little regard for your aspirations. Marriage is a compromise, yes, but one person should not have to do all the compromising. I know “go to counseling” gets thrown around a lot on these boards, but I think you should. He needs to see how much he’s stifling you.

Post # 26
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@manutd1125:  +1 I dont see why you dont go with him either, he’s going to be there whole year. I wouldnt see a problem in you going if he was going, i mean whats the point to staying at a job you hate if hes going to be gone all the time??

Post # 27
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@selfishbee:  Oh honey, you are not selfish at all! You are well within your rights to demand a life of your own. You are so much more than a girlfriend or a wife. You are very much your own person.

Now tell me something, if your husband is going abroad for a year then can’t you move to another part of your country where you will have better job prospects? Or simply a place that you like to live in? Do you already own a house or are you renting? If you are only renting then I think you will be able to move in his absence.

Also, why don’t you reconnect with some of your friends and go for a vacation while he is gone? Or start a bit of volunteer work? Perhaps only a baby step, but something that will give you a sense of achievement? Then once you get comfortable with doing your own thing gradually you can start expanding your area of work. Do you have children? I’m asking because if you do then shifting their schools and all could become a huge deal but if not, then use your husband’s deployment as a chance to grow back your clipped wings. Just try to regain some of your original aspirations.

Post # 28
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

1) you are not selfish and at all, he is for ignoring your strong wishes. It’s normal to not want to live in the same small town your whole life! You’re 23 not 53!

2) please don’t let him stop you from traveling while he is away for the better part of a year. save up.

3) I recommend South America. I’ve been many times and could afford to save off my low non profit salary at the time. I loved Nicaragua. Also I hear columbia is amazing. If you wanspa mix of big city and rural developing areas I recommend argentina. My two married friends moved there for 3 years together, living in buenos aires and trekking to Patagonia. Look up places where you can get free room and board for volunteering. 

You can do it!

Post # 30
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@selfishbee:  I hope that you’ll find the courage to stick up for yourself and make things happen.  I think the fact that he’s constantly pointing out that you are ‘leaving’ him says more about him than it says about you.  I had a roommate who used to say all the time when I was going some where “ohh… you’re leaving me..”  I hate that.  So. Much.  No, I’m not leaving you, I’m going because I have something to do.  I’ll be back. 

Post # 31
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like you gave up a lot just to make and/or keep him happy and he’s given up very little to make and/or keep you happy. 

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