(Closed) Feeling heartbroken, selfish, and trapped

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@selfishbee:  Your update struck a chord with me.  He says that everything you’re dying to do involves leaving him and he is trying to convince you to do something else instead.  Is it possible that he’s just acting out of paranoia that you’ll leave him?  Is it possible that he’s afraid that he’ll lose you if he lets you go away anywhere?  Perhaps if he felt more secure in your relationship, he might be more supportive of your goals?  Please note that I’m NOT suggesting that it’s in any way YOUR fault that he’s so insecure (if that’s actually what’s wrong), but perhaps you should see if that’s the problem and then try to do something about it.  Perhaps counselling might be a good option for you two.  Good luck!

Post # 33
1521 posts
Bumble bee

its not selfish but it is time for u to make moves and try to start doing things u luv.

Post # 34
2686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly, you may need to hurt his feelings. It is not okay for him to make you give up everything you’ve wanted in life for him to have everything he wants in his. You need to be blunt and let him know how you feel. A marriage is about compromise and he’s not making any.

Post # 35
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

So, why does he think it’s ok for him to travel overseas for a year, but not for you to go join the peace corps? Double standard much?

Could he find a similar job in another area? One where you could also find a job? It doesn’t seem fair that you have to have a crappy job so he can have his dream job. What if you moved 30 minutes drive away? Then he’d have a short commute to work, but you may also be able to find a job in a nearby town.

I would really be putting my foot down. You have wants and needs to, and it’s about time he stops expecting you to put your life on hold so that he can do what he likes. It’s called compromise, it’s a HUGE part of any relationship (or it SHOULD be) and it doesn’t seem like he’s doing very much of that right now, but he expects you to just do whatever makes his life easier.

ETA- I agree with PP’s about you travelling with him. There doesn’t seem to be anything stopping you. If you can’t for some reason, go and travel while he’s overseas. As for him saying you want yo leave him, i’d be asking why he wants to ‘leave you’ to work for a year. He’s being hypocritical. Just tell him that while he’s gone for the year, you’re going to live out some of your dreams, either by travelling overseas with him, or by going elsewhere, and then DO IT!

Post # 36
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Marriage is about compromise and it seems to me like youre the only one budging. You’re not the selfish one. You deserve opportunity and happiness too and that needs to come within your relationship and OUTSIDE of it.

Post # 37
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

When is away for that year. You also try and find somewhere you can work outside of your current city/country. You both are going to be apart for a year anyways, so you might as well go be somewhere where you WANT To be for that interim! I wouldn’t completely recommend tailing with him though and volunteering where he is working. You need to do something BY YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF. Without him around telling you what you can or can’t do.

You need to feel freedom in your professional life/career. And make a difference in the world at large that you are ‘destined’ to make. That is very important to be able to thrive on an intellectual level. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes. Just the thought of it is making me feel like it would be professional suicide. I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with his on a daily basis. Cry

Post # 38
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t get it.  If he’s gone so much of the time, why the heck won’t he let you do any of the traveling or working abroad you want to?  It doesn’t make any sense.  

Because of my dad’s work, I travelled a lot as a kid.  DH hasn’t really gotten to go anywhere outside of Florida.  There’s a convention related to one of his hobbies he wants to attend in Vegas (my hometown) in a couple of months.  I can’t make it, but I was happy to book him a flight and get him a hotel reservation.  I’m genuinely happy for him that he’s going to see something different.  My only regret is that we didn’t have a budget that would allow him to spend a few more days in the southwest and actually see stuff off the Strip.  

Post # 39
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@Anamagana:  +1

Post # 40
4650 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If he’s allowed to vanish for something like that for awhile, you should be allowed to too. Apply for the peace corps anyway.

Post # 41
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

The fact that *he* has no problems leaving you to go abroad for a year, but doesn’t want to allow you to do the same, lead me to believe that HE is being selfish, not you.

In fact, I think the fact that he is going away for a year is a PERFECT opportunity for you to go do the travel you wanted to do before. He’ll be gone anyway, so why will it matter to him if you go spend 6 months abroad?

Two months after Fiance and I get married, I will be going to Spain (without him) for 6 weeks. I’m choosing not to do a 4-month program, not because *he* doesn’t want me to go, but because *I* don’t want to spend that much time away from him.

A few months after I get back, he will be going to Italy for his penultimate semester of Architecture studies (4 months), probably without me. He asked me if I’d like to go, and he’s asked his advisors about accommodations for me, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea for me to go yet. As much as I would love to go, it will probably be better for me to stay in the U.S. and work a full-time job while he’s away.

But you can bet your ass if I wanted to go with him, he’d make it happen for me.

Marriage is about compromise- give and take. Telling you that you’re ‘reading too much poetry’ is disrespectful, dismissive, and condescending- and it’s certainly not a compromise.

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