- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
its not selfish but it is time for u to make moves and try to start doing things u luv.
Honestly, you may need to hurt his feelings. It is not okay for him to make you give up everything you’ve wanted in life for him to have everything he wants in his. You need to be blunt and let him know how you feel. A marriage is about compromise and he’s not making any.
So, why does he think it’s ok for him to travel overseas for a year, but not for you to go join the peace corps? Double standard much?
Could he find a similar job in another area? One where you could also find a job? It doesn’t seem fair that you have to have a crappy job so he can have his dream job. What if you moved 30 minutes drive away? Then he’d have a short commute to work, but you may also be able to find a job in a nearby town.
I would really be putting my foot down. You have wants and needs to, and it’s about time he stops expecting you to put your life on hold so that he can do what he likes. It’s called compromise, it’s a HUGE part of any relationship (or it SHOULD be) and it doesn’t seem like he’s doing very much of that right now, but he expects you to just do whatever makes his life easier.
ETA- I agree with PP’s about you travelling with him. There doesn’t seem to be anything stopping you. If you can’t for some reason, go and travel while he’s overseas. As for him saying you want yo leave him, i’d be asking why he wants to ‘leave you’ to work for a year. He’s being hypocritical. Just tell him that while he’s gone for the year, you’re going to live out some of your dreams, either by travelling overseas with him, or by going elsewhere, and then DO IT!
Marriage is about compromise and it seems to me like youre the only one budging. You’re not the selfish one. You deserve opportunity and happiness too and that needs to come within your relationship and OUTSIDE of it.
When is away for that year. You also try and find somewhere you can work outside of your current city/country. You both are going to be apart for a year anyways, so you might as well go be somewhere where you WANT To be for that interim! I wouldn’t completely recommend tailing with him though and volunteering where he is working. You need to do something BY YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF. Without him around telling you what you can or can’t do.
You need to feel freedom in your professional life/career. And make a difference in the world at large that you are ‘destined’ to make. That is very important to be able to thrive on an intellectual level. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes. Just the thought of it is making me feel like it would be professional suicide. I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with his on a daily basis.
I don’t get it. If he’s gone so much of the time, why the heck won’t he let you do any of the traveling or working abroad you want to? It doesn’t make any sense.
Because of my dad’s work, I travelled a lot as a kid. DH hasn’t really gotten to go anywhere outside of Florida. There’s a convention related to one of his hobbies he wants to attend in Vegas (my hometown) in a couple of months. I can’t make it, but I was happy to book him a flight and get him a hotel reservation. I’m genuinely happy for him that he’s going to see something different. My only regret is that we didn’t have a budget that would allow him to spend a few more days in the southwest and actually see stuff off the Strip.
If he’s allowed to vanish for something like that for awhile, you should be allowed to too. Apply for the peace corps anyway.
The fact that *he* has no problems leaving you to go abroad for a year, but doesn’t want to allow you to do the same, lead me to believe that HE is being selfish, not you.
In fact, I think the fact that he is going away for a year is a PERFECT opportunity for you to go do the travel you wanted to do before. He’ll be gone anyway, so why will it matter to him if you go spend 6 months abroad?
Two months after Fiance and I get married, I will be going to Spain (without him) for 6 weeks. I’m choosing not to do a 4-month program, not because *he* doesn’t want me to go, but because *I* don’t want to spend that much time away from him.
A few months after I get back, he will be going to Italy for his penultimate semester of Architecture studies (4 months), probably without me. He asked me if I’d like to go, and he’s asked his advisors about accommodations for me, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea for me to go yet. As much as I would love to go, it will probably be better for me to stay in the U.S. and work a full-time job while he’s away.
But you can bet your ass if I wanted to go with him, he’d make it happen for me.
Marriage is about compromise- give and take. Telling you that you’re ‘reading too much poetry’ is disrespectful, dismissive, and condescending- and it’s certainly not a compromise.
Again, thank you so much everyone.
I am now just hoping with all of my heart that it works out so he can go overseas. I have gotten my hopes up, that’s for sure! I don’t know how he will feel about me doing things on my own while he’s gone, but if I insist, he’ll just have to get over it. And if he can’t get over it…well then we’ve got bigger problems.
I could quit my part time job and volunteer somewhere for a few months, as well as travel a little for pleasure, hopefully! I’ve also done some freelance work here and there and I could even use my time to try to expand that…I would LOVE to be able to do that full-time (again, big dreams haha).
There’s one city in particular that I absolutely love and would love to live in one day (like today). He knows this. I’m honestly thinking that I could visit there for a bit while he’s gone and just see if there are any opportunities there for me…I feel that he would easily be able to find a job there so maybe he would be open to that if I already had something in motion.
I don’t know! There’s just so much to think about. Thank you all so much for your help. <3
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