- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
I think he has a legitimate point, that if you have serious medical issues, that may mean changing certain ways you approach life, such as whether or not you have kids. If you frequently cannot function during the day then yes, that would leave much of child-rearing (and life, such as buying groceries, cooking, cleaning) on his shoulders I imagine. And it sounds like to him, that’s a burden he may not be willing to accept. Wanting you to consider this possibility (of no kids) doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be married to you though.
But if you have bigger questions as PPs suggested, then I think you should take a holistic look at your relationship and see if you are happy.
Thanks, guys — maybe it’s time to book another session or two with the counselor. I woke up feeling very unhappy today. I feel like it’s just been one thing after another lately. I feel like I deserve more. A few days ago, I told him that when all the tests were over, he would “owe me.” For staying out of his way, for doing most of the housework, etc. For going places without him. And his response yesterday was that he feels like he doesn’t owe me anything — he’s been working/studying so hard. (He also mentioned that he was doing this so that we would have a better life.) I’m used to the guys I’m dating stepping up and just buying me flowers or taking me out to dinner or doing something to acknowledge how hard it has been for me. If I have to say, is my fiance the person who treats me best out of all the guys I’ve dated, the honest answer is no. I’ve dated other guys who have completely adored me. When I asked my Fiance if he is also taking the certification for me, he said, “I think so.”
I think so? I was kinda hoping for a solid “yes.”
And then the whole kids conversation happened.
Maybe I’m expecting too much — I don’t know anymore. Just know that I woke up feeling unhappy and not excited about the wedding.
I would also say that it is very unhealthy to look at a relationship as a direct transaction of “you owe me” and “I owe you.” While relationships are about mutual support and compromise, tallying and tracking things will cause resent.
Also, it seems like you really like to attention and getting gifts (i.e., flowers, affection, etc), which isn’t a bad thing, but your Fiance may not 1) really understand how important those are to you or 2) may not show his love/affection in that way. You may need to communicate with him better about how you feel appreciated, while also asking him how he feels loved/appreciated.
I find the whole dynamic of him wanting you to “stay out of his way” and him not wanting to directly deal with issues (i.e., not willing to go to counseling) very unhealthy and concerning. Yes, he is under stress right now, but is this how he will continue to handle stress and difficult life circumstances? Do you want a partner that shuts down and pushes you away during a time when you both need each other most?
Lastly, about having children. I can see why he may be concerned about raising children if you have a serious medical condition. How debilitating is it for you? Are you able to maintain a full time job now? If you could stay at home and focus on the children, do you feel you could handle it? Perhaps focus on getting your medical condition under control before finalizing your decision to have children. Regardless though, you two should be on the same page about having children BEFORE you get married. Given the wedding is only weeks away, you should be having these conversations soon.
Oh, and stop thinking about what your previous boyfriends did and did not do! You are no longer in a relationship with them and it is unhealthy to compare your current relationship to those relationships. It will only cause you to feel resentful.
Folllowing up on some of the things Jeweliee said: If you have some time, I also recommend reading through (or at least skimming) the book The 5 Love Languages. I had a previous boyfriend who did all sorts of things for me (sent me gifts/flowers, took me on fancy trips) but somehow I felt lonely and neglected, sometimes even when I was with him. Deciding to break up with him was almost an impossible decision. More recently, I had a roommate who was really into self-help books. I was bored one day and (secretly) read this book. It really opened my eyes to why my ex and I were an almost-but-not quite relationship. As a religious book, it also offers a lot of “how to save the situation” advice. But it sounds like you guys feel appreciated with different actions and that’s going to require a lot of effort to make each other feel loved. It’s also really helpful if your fiance would read the book, so the whole “no counseling” thing is a real bummer. Does a book count?
That being said, having been engaged before and felt the feelings you feel now (and feeling the rug pulled out from under me on kids, etc), I truly recommend postponing the wedding to work on it. I am now engaged to someone with whom I don’t have any of those questions or feelings, so believe me when I say those are legitimate feelings that are not ‘normal’ pre-wedding. Your brain is telling you something. His refusal to get professional help is also telling you something.
Finally, I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well and I hope your migraines get under control soon! chronic problems always require so much patience =/. You really don’t need a fiance who is adding to that stress, whether his concerns are justified or not. It sounds like it’s more than one legitimate concern and that’s a lot pre-wedding.
@littleacorn: I think that having children, or not having them, is an absolute dealbreaker. If one person just does it for the other then, they won’t be as invested. Similarily if one person gives up on having kids for the other, they will become resentful. Your situation is a bit different and I understand your FI’s concern.
Women generally do the primary care and nurturing of an infant and he is likely concerned you will have a difficult pregnancy and may be unable to care for a child. If you are a stay at home mom and are having an episode, then you will be losing your income + having to hire someone else to care for the baby. I think he is just trying to be practical. He obviously loves you but maybe feels like a new addition may not be best for you.
Traveling the world and spending my life bonding with my Fiance doesn’t sound like a bad option 🙂
Does he think you’ll care for the child all day, every day? What’s this about him babysitting on weekends? I don’t have kids yet, but most couples I know, the dads are hands on. They help, evenings and weekends, because parenting is a lifestyle for them, not just something their wife/gf does. He may very well have days where he has to do everything becuase you’re sick or unavailable. In fact, it’s almost certain. If he can’t do that, maybe you should be the one w questioning the future you planned. Again, I don’t have kids, but FH has never talked about babysitting his own kids or implied that I need to do everything
II’m have other health conditions that could cause a difficult pregnancy, but we’ve agreed to adopt if we can’t have a biological child. It’s not for everyone though
why were you hoping to get a ‘yes’ from the question ‘are you doing the certification for me?’ don’t you want him to do it for himself and to achieve something? it seems like you’re reaching for a prize for being a good fiance, you want flowers, dinner, the proclamation that this difficult thing he’s doing is for you etc. you said to him that you are ‘owed’ – that’s not healthy.
relationships are not about keeping score, and it seems like you are doing that. someday you’ll be frazzled and working hard for something and hopefully he would step up for you – not be sniping about the lack of flowers and reminding you that you owe him for good behaviour.
that said – i don’t think he sounds like a peach either – pps are right, it’s not babysitting when it’s his own child and having the attitude that he won’t go to counselling is troubling, especially when you both acknowledge that there are serious issues to be worked out. i mean – at this point he can’t even say ‘i would do anything to save our relationship’ because he won’t even agree to counseling.
and about kids – i think it’s crazy to think that with a chronic medical condition you would just have a kid and it would ‘work itself out’. your condition (and living with it) so far hasn’t worked itself out so why on earth would adding pregnancy, delivery, a crying baby who then grows into a screaming toddler + sleep deprivation somehow ‘work out’? i’m not saying you shouldn’t have kids, i’m saying you should sit down and talk with your doctor about your treatment options, what other patients with this condition have found etc. and have a plan.
He’s being honest with you. Right now he can see getting to work is all you can handle. You said he is working hard too. In his mind he is thinking hes not sure he could be there by himself after work taking care of kids by himself. Honestly neither could I. Listen to what he is saying and talk about it. Most of the time mommy is the caretaker when baby is little (But not always). Most men do not think of themselves as the primary caretaker of little ones, but that could very well happen if you have migraines 4 or 5 days a week. Just saying.
This book: Heal your Headache by David Buccholz saved me! He is a neuroloist and and practices at John Hopkins.
Best of luck. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
The topic ‘Feeling heavy-hearted >> FI thinks we shouldn't have kids’ is closed to new replies.