(Closed) Feeling hopeless and ready to scream

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

That’s a tough situation. 5 years is a long time considering you’re not like teenagers or “too young” to get married. Has he said why the date of June/July? Is that to save up for a ring?

I tend to think that a guy giving an excuse of finances as the reason he hasn’t asked is actually a fear of commitment. We all know weddings can be done on ANY budget.

You’ve obviously talked about weddings before but I think you need to confront him and find out whats really going on and why he isn’t proposing. Is it actually finances? Then you could talk about what you would need for a wedding. Is it fear of commitment? Then you could talk about that.

Post # 5
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Claudia30: Wow. You sound JUST like me 🙂 Been with my guy over 6, I didn’t talk to him seriously about marriage until around 1 year ago. I’m turning 30 this year as well. I also feel the pressure of family and friends (some of them will NOT shut up). 

I don’t know how to help other than to say you’re not alone. We had to have a really hard conversation recently and even though it ended with him in asking my ring size it seems like he hasn’t really done anything since then. At least you’ve got a date to look forward to! I think I may have to make up my own decision date and have (yet another) talk with him. 

I feel you on him having all the power, and not trusting that an engagement is happening but wanting to trust your partner. It’s all messed up.

I don’t know, but I hope you get your wish!

Post # 6
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My boyfriend just proposed after 4 years… And after he did, I found out he had it a year in the works. (I had screwed up one proposal by being sick, then he started interviewing like a crazy person for a couple of promotions, then he started, then we got engaged.)

Anyway, that last year was AWFUL. I really tried not to bug him, but it’s really hard. I stopped scheduling trips to see my family, because I would really anticipate an engagement before each trip home. I also asked my family and friends to stop asking about it. (Unfortunately, that one was really hard for my mother and grandma, who both knew that he had asked permission and had the ring.)

I also kept my best friends on speed dial, who would talk me off of my ledges. And, I gave myself a deadline as to when I’d bring it up with him next. If he hasn’t proposed by July, you can ask him then and see what he says. You may have to tell him you’re moving on and out. (And mean it.)

However, try not to hassle him about it. As my now fiance said, “Will you please just let me do this? I want to have fun with it, too.” And the proposal was perfect.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Make your life fuller, bigger, crazier and give yourself so many things to do that it’ll be hard to find the time to think about this proposal. Take up trapeze aristry. Plan a trip to Finland for YOU to enjoy alone. Join a bookclub. Volunteer at the local animal shelter. 

DO NOT allow your life to stop while you anticipate a proposal. Enrich yourself and you will not only a) pass the time more easily until P-day but b) remind yourself of what a freakin’ catch you are so you actually enjoy the time with yourself before you share your life with someone else. 

Post # 9
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Claudia30:

What JennyW1 just said is basically Mr. Bee’s plan of action for women in waiting.  lol!  Seriously, I know that for many men, they want everything to “be in order” before they propose.  Be secure with money, stable in their career, have money saved, etc.  That is really important for some men-I think it makes them feel honorable to ask you.  I bet he really will ask you soon, especially because you say that you really trust him and he’s a man of his word.  He may also be waiting to give you a very wonderful proposal that he is setting up.  I wouldn’t worry until after July ends.  If nothing happens by then-make Engagement Chicken!! 😉

Post # 10
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hang in there girl. I’ve been through this too. My fiance and i had been together for over 7 years befire he propsed! We lived together for about 2 and a half years before he asked too. I was going craazzzzy waiting for the ring!  My friends and family were getting engaged, married or having babies and i felt like it would never happen for me. I wondered what was wrong with me all the time?  One thing was the worst though…. I got invited to a friends party as “single” with out a “guest” because we technically werent engaged or married yet!!! After that I started to get really upset with my man, even a little angry at him for making me go through that, and he definately noticed. Apparently he had the ring for 7 months and was just waiting for the right time to ask perfectly. I feel so silly now for getting so upset. Try not to let him see your inner craziness… lol Just live in the moment and enjoy every day with him, and have faith that if he said he will ask next summer, then he will…

Post # 12
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Claudia30:

Maybe I’m just kind of crazy, and I don’t mean this to be telling you what to do at all, but I just kept thinking reading this “Why don’t you propose to him then?” LOL – I know it’s not supposed to happen that way, but I wonder what would happen if you asked him what he’d do if you did that. I guess I sympathize with the frustration you’re venting.

Post # 13
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Honey, July is six months away. That’s a long time to be going stir-crazy, feeling sick, and trying to put on a happy face. 

My suggestion is a little bit different, but here it goes. I have given this advice to friends, and it has always worked, though I know everyone is different. It basically breaks the engagement into two parts and separates them: the proposal and the ring. Before I go further, though, let me back up. 

Set a date for yourself, in about a month. From now until then, be carefree with your boyfriend. Don’t mention anything. Be as good to yourself as budget will allow. Just as an example, but by no means the only option, change your hair a little, buy a pair of spectacular jeans, or get some new makeup. And – as other posters so wisely suggested – make yourself busy with something you’ve always wanted to do. 

In the week leading up to the date you’ve picked, be extra good to your boyfriend. This isn’t a trick to try to trap him or anything. It’s just that you want him to know how much you care about him, to display your love in action. Get the house clean, have delicious things to eat, and so forth. Set a date with him for dinner and make his favorite. Try not to have too much wine, either, because you don’t want to be weepy (my perpetual downfall!)

Then, just say it. Keep your voice low and even, and try to smile. These are just body language cues that will help him stay calm and not get defensive. First, apologize for changing what you said, which is that you’d happily wait until July. Say that you feel that it’s just not mature to be waiting around like a child waits for Santa Claus, and that’s part of the problem – that your anxiety is not over the engagement, but the feeling of being powerless. Acknowledge that the old-fashioned ideal of waiting for the man to propose is very romantic, but that it doesn’t reflect the reality of modern life. Women used to just sit in their fathers’ houses with nothing going on until they were proposed to; now they have big plans and hopes and opportunities.

Now here comes the harder part: explain that you have real aspirations for your life, and that while you’re not gunning to become a mother tomorrow, it is something that a wise and rational woman would be concerned about. (Reiterate that you are being wise and rational, and you’ll have better luck than if you talk about being hurt. I’m not saying you can never express yourself to your mate – what a terrible world that would be! But there are some conversations where it pays to avoid their defensiveness, and this is one. Men are actually very tender, but protective of that tenderness, which seems callous to us. Our strong negative emotions, if they’re the ones provoking them, can make them close up preventatively). Say that you don’t believe in ultimatums, because they are rude games, but at some point you must simply be logical. Again, words like “logical” go a long way and keep everyone on an even keel. 

Now, the hardest part of all: say that you would like his word, tonight, that you are going to get married. You don’t need to make the engagement public, yet, but you would like his firm word on it. You would like to be able to begin discussing weddings and to say to him, “When we’re married” without being delusional or pushy. Explain to him that an engagement ring is a very precious present, and that when he chooses to give it to you, it will be a very special time and you can use that occasion to begin telling everyone else of your engagement. 

Ask him to be brutally honest about his thoughts (don’t say “feelings”) about marriage and parenthood. If you’ve been calm, thus far, you have a great chance of him opening up.

We don’t know what you’re going to find out. You may find out that he’s really ambivalent. Some men are ambivalent, and then they wise up and make great husbands. Some men are ambivalent, and get married because they feel they have to, and the marriages are shams. Really listen to him, ask questions, and go with your gut. You want this to be rock-solid. Whatever the case, though, be ready to walk. I left someone a year and a half ago, nearing my 30s, thinking that I was never going to replace him and never going to find someone in time to be a mother. And right around the corner was my Fiance, and after a bit over a year of dating, I had that ring on my finger. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. If you gut tells you that this man is on shaky ground with his ideas of marriage, I’m not saying that you definitely should leave, but I am saying that if you decide to, don’t think of it as the end of the world. There will be hope. 

 

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