(Closed) Feeling hurt about friend's wedding- advice?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@tooclose:  ((HUGS))  You didn’t really do anything wrong – besides assume this person considers your friendship as important to her as you consider it important to you.

Honestly, in your position I’d cut ties with this bride at this point because who needs a “friend” like that?  She was completely rude and ungracious to you.  Not classy! 

She should have been kind, understanding and appreciative that you contacted her to explain your side and offer to get things out in the open.  If one of my friends did that I would have said, “Of course I understand why you couldn’t come to the shower and I really missed you.  I will be delighted to have you participate in the other events and come to the wedding.  You’re my friend and I love you.”

She doesn’t care about you – you don’t need a toxic person in your life.

Post # 4
8823 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

ugh, what a mess. i would decline and wish her well in life.


Post # 5
2481 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well…over here where weddings are generally smaller, it is not unheard of to invite guests to the ceremony but not the wedding breakfast and instead, hold an evening reception for everyone later that same day. But this sort of invitation tends to cause confusion and put evening guests in the awkward position of having to hang around for hours afterwards while the wedding party celebrate and they wait for the evening reception. So it’s not particularly good form. Most people getting that sort of invitation would usually decline the ceremony part and consider going to the evening do only.

In your case while I can understand your hurt feelings I truly think you were wrong to ever complain about a lack of invitation in the first place. Although the whole thing sounds clumsy since the very idea that you attend the shower for $20 but make sure you didn’t eat is crass. It would have been much better if you had simply declined and she had accepted that graciously. If it was so vital that you be there then a sympathetic friend would have covered the cost for you.

The bride certainly hasn’t helped herself by creating a Facebook event that points out who is excluded! It would have been much better if she had simply gone with her original plans and invited one set of guests to the ceremony and reception and other friends to the following day’s BBQ and accept that the BBQ guests were not going to be at the ceremony.

If I were you I’d be the bigger person here and decline the whole shebang.

Post # 6
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your friend is acting like a  selfish spoiled child. I’d decline any/all events and see if she turns back into a normal person once her wedding is over. If she continues to act selfish and spoiled then perhaps she’s not the kind of person you want as a friend.

Post # 7
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @tooclose:  first and foremost I see this is your Debut Post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

First (( HUGS )) to you cause I can tell this is causing you some grief

I Agree 100% with the Reply that @Sunfire: wrote (# 2)

As an Etiquette Snob… lol

I can tell you that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

You were polite and told the Hostess & the Bride WHY you were not in attendance.  You had a legitimate reason.

The Bride, and the other people involved in your post did OODLES of things that were improper and RUDE

# 1 – Starting with charging a per head rate to go to a Shower, PLUS collecting for a Gift… that is not the way one should EVER conduct a Shower

(It truly was more of a Fundraiser… and that is tacky)

# 2 – The Bride then deciding to Invite those that attended, and not everyone who was Invited (very very RUDE as she intentionally segregates people into 2 groupings)

# 3 – It is inappropriate to Invite someone to the Ceremony… and not to the Reception.  Once you are at the Wedding, one is meant to participate in all the activities thereafter (same day).

# 4 – Her holding a Reception After The Reception (on another Day) for the “lesser-thans” is in very much poor taste.

# 5 – Advertising the above on FaceBook makes it all the worse… she is literally airing her dirty laundry in public…


This Bride is quite clearly confused / misinformed / or just down right ARROGANT & RUDE

The ONLY reason she wants you around at all is so you’ll bring her a gift.

Sorry to be so darn blunt, but I could see thru all this a mile away… starting with that Bridal Shower.

For this Bride, it is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.

She is Gift Grabby beyond words.

There is NO REGARD here whatsoever for your Friendship, let alone your Feelings

As SUNFIRE said above, so is life.  As we age, we don’t always take all our past acquaintances with us (this is not a friend) we mature and move on past things that are too juevenile for us.

You are quite obviously a very classy lady (albeit one who has been wronged & hurt over this)

You need to find your inner strength that tells you you don’t NEED people like this in your life… and MOVE ON

(Realistically, I think even IF you went to the Wedding and brought her whatever gift you could afford, due to your current circumstances, it wouldn’t be enough… she would find great joy I think in pointing that out to you or others).


Spend the day doing something you TRULY ENJOY doing and making some new connections / friends.

Cause REAL FRIENDS don’t treat people this way.

Hope this helps,


Post # 8
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’ve done nothing wrong.  All of her actions, and the bridesmaid planning the shower’s actions, are incredibly rude.

Post # 9
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@tooclose:  you have done nothing wrong.

i have never, ever been to a shower where i had to contribute to the room or to the food (unless i was hosting).  it’s unheard of and actually rude.  who would do that to guests?

i totally agree with @This Time Round:   don’t bother going to the wedding or bbq. 

Post # 10
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree w/ the above, you haven’t done anything wrong.  I’ve never heard of having to pay to attend a shower or of inviting ppl to the shower who aren’t invited to the wedding.

Post # 11
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Ugh, these sound like despicable people. You are better off cutting ties with them and finding less self-centered and materialistic friends.

It is unpardonably rude for the shower hostess to charge guests $40 plus the cost of gifts for the “privilege” of attending a bridal shower! She seems to lack a basic understanding of the definition of “hostess.” And then to offer you a cut-rate admission price as long as you didn’t eat or drink anything??? Sweetie, shake her dust from your feet and never look back. And that goes double for the bride. Just … UGH.

Post # 13
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

All of this is just wrong, wrong, wrong. The way they handled your potential attendance at the shower was super offensive (come but don’t touch anything?!) and now the wedding – I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You haven’t done anything wrong, and I think your feelings are pretty darn justified.

Post # 14
14656 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, too much drama for me.  I’d write them all off and find some real friends.

Post # 15
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tooclose:  What?!  I don’t understand the shower deal at all.  You are not a Bridesmaid or Best Man but yet you were supposed to pay for it?  Why?  Who asked you to throw it?  That seems like the most awkward thing in the world, you can go but you can’t eat or drink anything!  Wha? LOL.  Are you serious?  Did all the guests have to chip in for food or just you?

That bride of yours is tacky and rude as hell.  I wouldn’t go to her nuptuils or consider her a friend.  Good riddence!

Post # 16
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@tooclose:  I understand why you feel hurt, and you did nothing wrong outside of questioning your lack of invite.  I also find it extremely odd that as a guest to a shower, you were expected to bring a gift and contribute to the costs of the shower.  That is tacky and rude. However,  if this friend is as close as you say, wouldn’t you want to atleast see the couple marry? I get that it’s rude to invite guests to only the ceremony,  but what outweighs what here? Your love for the bride or your feelings of being slighted by the only ceremony invite? People go through all this trouble and expense for the reception portion of a wedding, yet put minimal effort into the ceremony.  That seems silly to me. The ceremony is the most important part in my opinion,  that is when the couple join their lives together in commitment to one another. The reception is just any otherpparty.  I think more couples would do well to keep that in mind when planning a wedding.

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