(Closed) Feeling hurt, am I justified? AE

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m sorry to hear that your friends and boyfriend betrayed your trust. You gave your boyfriend freedom to have female friends and he took advantage of the situation. Yes, him staying overnight with her without you isn’t “normal” but he still did it regardless of whether you “let” him or not. You shouldn’t have to put a leash on a man to make him be faithful to you. Again, I’m so sorry for your situation. My ex cheated on me with a mutual friend, as well. I’m glad you found out about this prior to marriage. You will likely feel hurt for some time but take good care of yourself right now and focus on you. You will be fine. Someone else will discover you, cherish you, and appreciate your trust. *hugs*

Post # 4
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Nope.  You can’t ask his sister not to be friends with this woman.  You are doing everything else right.  Looking at her facebook will just bring up old memories so it is good to cut that tie.  Feeligns of betrayal hurt deep and can be with you for a looong time.  The only thing that will make it better is time and since it sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend realized his mistake, apologized and changed his bahavior for two years, you need to learn to stop punishing him and yourself.  It will be hard, but you have to work towards moving forward.

Post # 5
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ugh. First I congratulate you for being understanding about your fiance having a female friend. I’m sorry they took advantage of it. I’ve definatley spent the night at friends houses when I’ve been drinking and don’t think that’s strange, but I would be concerned if my fiance didn’t want me to accompany him to hang out with friends.

As far as now goes, it seems like you have to make a decision. Can you trust your guy and put this behind you knowing this woman is going to be around at least minimally? Because I think you’re right that you can’t ask your guy’s sister to stop being friends with this girl. Although you really don’t have to have any contact with her. But the fact that seeing pictures upset you so much that you had to defriend her on facebook tells me that you aren’t really over this. So I think you need to do some serious thinking and figure out if you can get over this. Sometimes people can and sometimes they can’t and either one is okay but you don’t want to be miserable everytime you see a picture of her or his sister mentions something about her.

Post # 7
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

 I am assuming you are young, under 25, and that this is your first serious relationship. Your SO loves you very much, if at your tantrum he abandoned correspondence with this other girl. This means he cares about you enough to know that it’s either her or losing you. He chose you. Take a moment and be proud of that. It’s the biggest commitment he can make, and he did it with what seems like minimal fuss. Hard to do, I might add, as it seems this girl runs in social circles that are in close proximity to you.

Personally, I think you let your best friends freak out spark your paranoia. You don’t state having any trust issues before that, and probably for good cause. It’s called ‘woman’s intuition’ for a reason, afterall. It sounds to me like he was crashing with what sounded like a group of people (who there’s a good chance you wouldn’t get along with) after drinking at her house. When you got insecure and snooped on his phone, you state that he was texting this girl about “YOUR” relationship. You didn’t say that he was talking about one between them. So I take this to mean he was adament in ensuring she knew HE was taken. 

As for your boyfriend’s sister, I’m sorry, but you have no right nor place to tell her who she can spend time with. You either have to accept that she spends time with this other girl or don’t. That is the only choice you have here. Deleting her from Facebook to avoid even looking at this other girl sounds ridiculously childish, and really accomplishes nothing other then burying your head in the sand. This insecurity of yours needs to be dealt with before it consumes you. There’s always going to be woman around “your man” and you need to have the confidence to know he’s made the choice to be with you above every one of them. Hope this helps.

Post # 9
Member
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Yeah, I don’t think your actions two years ago were overreacting at all.  Right now though, as long as your boyfriend has nothing to do with this girl, I think you will be alright.  You can’t control who his sister is friends with, and obviously despite having sided with you previously she thinks her friend is alright again.  I don’t have any sound advice, but I wouldn’t have blocked your boyfriend’s sister from fb… but I would mention to your bf casually that “did you know your sis is hanging out with xx again?  let me know if she tries to talk to you too :/”. 

Want to add I totally understand the feelings of jealousy! rage!! wtf!! towards girls who legitamitely threaten your relationship with your SO.. it has happened to me (similar situation.. maybe worse).  Such feelings are completely normal!!

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are justified in wanting your boyfriend not to have contact with this girl. As for his sister you aren’t justified in not wanting her to have a relationship with this girl. From what you said it sounds like both of them knew her since childhood. You don’t have a right to dictate whom she can and cannot be friends with you. It sounds like she did the best she could in bad situation. Your Fi is the main person to blame for all of these issues. I would think before unfriending her fb and causing tension and drama over this issue.

 

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