(Closed) Feeling hurt by unsupportive bridesmaids

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 33
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What kind of “well wishes” were you expecting, exactly?  Sounds like you’re having a lot of resentment toward many of your BMs, they live out of town– they may be feeling excluded as well.  I know it’s awfully last minute– but in the past, when I’ve been in weddings involving BMs from other states, usually all the festivities are done over a long weekend–  BM party Thursday night, wedding rehearsal Friday night, wedding Saturday.

 

Look, I get that you’re disappointed.  Your bridesmaids may feel excluded as well.

Post # 34
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

lalanono:  i mean, you kind of sound ungrateful for the low-key night though. it was low-key, a few girls and dinner and hanging-out. it was so low-key, in fact, that many girls did not feel the necessity to do some serious traveling to get there. 

i agree that they could/should have sent a regret or note or a well-wish or whatever. but my point was, IMO, you can’t have a “low key” party and then expect people to fork over the money and time to travel for a low-key party. 

in any case, i’m sorry you didn’t get the party you wanted. i don’t know if you have time, but maybe you could let your BM’s know your bummed you didn’t get to party with them and see if they would be willing to come for a girls night out before the wedding? or maybe you guys could meet at a middle ground? honestly, maybe they didn’t realize how important it was to you that they be there. 

Post # 35
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

lalanono:  You don’t get enjoyment from making someone you care about feel special? It’s a nice thing to do and that’s what people do when they care about eachother. I hope you weren’t a bridesmaid for that friend.

LOL…. ok.

Yeah, I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for her. And she was a selfish bitch who was cheating on her husband before and after the wedding, and even apparently tried to leave the bachelorette party to hook up with the guy she was having an affair with. Sorry if I am REALLY glad I wasn’t there for that.

So yeah, I stood up for her at her wedding, did everything she asked of me, and it was all a sham. It just goes to show, no matter how “supportive” a bridesmaid is, brides still choose their attitudes. So no, I have no regrets about not being there. She and I were childhood best friends, but she turned into a party girl, and I don’t drink.

I don’t see how me sitting around sober, while a bunch of girls get wasted is being supportive. She had PLENTY of other people there with her.

I was supportive by being there for her wedding, running errands, helping her, steaming ALL 7 of the bridesmaids dresses the morning of, helping clean up after the reception…

I think you need to lower your expectations for your bridesmaids and realize that they don’t have to be puppets for you to enjoy yourself. You’re in charge of your own fun. If you want to pout about adult women who made the choice not to come, then that’s on you.

Post # 36
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

lalanono:  I think part of the problem here is you wanted a bit more of a hoo-ha and unfortunately your friends believed you when you pretended you were happy with a low key affair. 

But removing your friends from the wedding party for not forking out extra money to come play penis games with you is a bit extreme.

I didn’t attend a bachelorette party once and I didn’t send any “wish I was there” FB messages either, for the simple reason I felt very guilty I couldn’t afford to fly there and I was hoping my friend had such a good time she forgot I wasn’t there!

Should I have? Probably, but the reason I didn’t wasn’t because I didn’t care about my friend and luckily my friend (or her fiancé) didn’t judge a friendship’s worth based on party attendance. 

Post # 37
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsFrenchBee:  “But removing your friends from the wedding party for not forking out extra money to come play penis games with you is a bit extreme.”

Precisely.

This is a huuuuge overreaction to not attending a party. I’d really hate to be your friend if you think that friendship is dictated by whether or not I attend a party for you.

Post # 38
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, and I never said I don’t get enjoyment from making people I care about feel special. I just do it in my own way. I can make people feel special in other ways than going out for an evening I will get no enjoyment from. Me looking bored would probably have made her feel even worse.

So, I took my friend to get her nails done the night before her bachelorette party to show her I was sorry I couldn’t come. That was how I attempted to make her feel special.

You are taking my words way out of context.

I think you just need to move on and focus on your wedding now.

Post # 40
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

lalanono:  Girl, PMS and wedding planning should never mix. I am there right now! lol. I would be a little upset that they did not respond, but due to the fact its not the easiest for them to travel I get it. ALL of my bridesmaids are flying in so I planned the bachelorette party for the weekend before the wedding and even then only 3/4 can make it. The other one can’t take that much time off from her job and I understand. I had a bridal shower and invited all of them and only one even said anything about it. It’s hard to imagine that people are not constantly thinking about your wedding because that is literally the only thing you are focused on. Appreciate the text, and move on to looking forward to your ceremony. Now if they’re a no-show for that, I’d be pissed, PMS or no PMS!

Post # 41
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lalanono:  

I agree with all the PPs in that I think you’re overreacting. I’m having a destination wedding and half of my bridesmaids do not live in the same state as me. For my bachelorette party they of course will all be invited (same for my bridal shower) but I’m telling each of them beforehand that I totally understand if they can’t make it. The only thing I really care about is that they’re there for my wedding (although for that I even made it clear to them before I asked them to be BMs that I would totally understand if they wished to decline seeing as how a destination wedding can be expensive). I know they love and care about me and them showing up to get drunk with me for a night isn’t going to change our relationship in any way.

As far as the Bridesmaid or Best Man that went to Vegas the weekend after your party…so? As someone else mentioned, a bachelorette party in Vegas is usually something that takes a lot of planning. So chances are she committed to that party a looong time ago. How much advance notice did she get for yours? And the fact that she wasn’t even a Bridesmaid or Best Man for that bride shouldn’t matter. If she had already made travel arrangements and paid for flights/hotels, etc. to go to Vegas and then was invited to your party later, would you expect her to cancel everything and lose all that money so she could go to yours simply because she’s one of your BMs? That seems ridiculous to me.

I understand you feeling sad that not all your BMs could make your party (of course you would’ve liked everyone to be there) but unfortunately not everyone could make it work. I don’t think there’s any reason to be upset with them over it.

Post # 42
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

lalanono:  

“Yeah I agree about firing being a bit drastic too.”

Seriously, why is the word “firing” still being used. It makes me cringe. They are not your paid employees. They did not fill out an employment application. They do not work for you. When you state it in such a way, you sound condescending, as if you own them. BMs can’t be “fired”, they are not being paid for their services to begin with.

 

Post # 43
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

lalanono:  You cannot “fire” someone unless you are paying them to be there. “insert eye roll”. My guess is they feel like you are treating them as your minions rather then your friends so they couldn’t be bothered to spend anymore time/money on your wedding.

Post # 45
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, I do agree with one of the PPs regarding there being a difference in spending money for Vegas vs. low key party. If I had to buy a plane ticket, I would much rather spend that money on trip of a “lifetime” and awesome experience, than to sit at home at someone’s house. Vegas trips are usually a much bigger of a production and everything has to be done in advance. The girl most likely had it planned and pre-paid already. You made your party very “low-key”, not a big deal, so others did not have the urgency to make it a big deal.

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