(Closed) Feeling hurt by unsupportive bridesmaids

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m not sure I would go anywhere  for ‘penis games ‘ as I don’t actually know what they would entail   . Now don’t anyone feel they have to tell me,  you can  leave  me to  my ignorance  lol! 

Post # 48
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I will tell you something that might be hard to hear (and I apologize if someone’s said it before): 

Your BMs have lives and THEIR LIVES come before your wedding. Period. 

I’ll remind you that BMs have work obligations and family obligations and really, really hot guys that ask them out on dates. They own pets and have other friends and sign up for Saturday morning poetry classes. They also have to say, pay the unexpected parking ticket or windshield crack that has a way of challenging their ability to pay for other things like bachelorette parties. 

In reality, you have no idea why your BMs didn’t attend your bachelorette party, and I totally understand that it can cause you to feel mopey and unloved when people don’t come AND when they’re not all aware of the impact that their absence has. But, I can also tell you that if they are out of towners, as pretty much all of them are (I would count “short plane ride”/”long bus ride” OOT), then like me, they probably assumed that you weren’t expecting them to fly in and so they didn’t offer an explanation or excuse (which they don’t have to, by the way). I barely fly anywhere for weddings–BM or not–and I’ve ONCE  traveled outside of my hometown for a shower or bachelorette party, and it was a special bachelorette party in–you guessed it–Las Vegas that was like a mini-destination affair with a lot of pomp and circumstance. It had less to do with my relationship with the bride (although yeah, we’re close–but I’m close friends with everyone I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for) than it did with the “tone” of the event. 

If these are your friends, then you should either a) know them well enough to know that Friend A is the type to remember to send a card but Friend B is a bit more freewheeling OR b) know them well enough that you can call them up, convey your disappointment, and get their reassuring, “oh shit! so sorry! you know I love you!” response. But please–don’t sit around moping. I know that’s where you are, but it’s not real. 

Post # 49
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I am not a fan of the stereotypical bachelorette party, but have been to many and disagree with the attitudes of those who say it’s OK to prioritize an over the top weekend in Las Vegas. All other things being equal, it’s the closeness of the relationship that would always come first with me, not the party. 

But once more we do not know that it was an equal choice for the woman who chose Vegas. Those plans could have been made first and her budget for out of town travel wiped out. She could have had a conflict for the actual weekend of your party. 

I assume regrets were sent to the person doing the organizing and that the women assumed they would be passed along. If they never RSVPed at all then that would be rude. And maybe they do plan to ask about the party the next time you talk.

Post # 50
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

“Am I being unreasonable thinking bridesmaids should at least send well wishes for bachelorette if they can’t attend?” Yes, you are being unreasonable for all of the reasons others have mentioned. Further, you seem to be getting defensive over PP responses that weren’t what you were hoping for. Don’t ask the question if you are not willing to hear the answer.

Post # 51
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

((((hugs)))) I think I know how you’re feeling. Some people are being a little hard on you- and TBH I can’t see myself making a plane trip for a bachelorette- but I don’t even think it’s so much about people not coming as people not seeming to care too much in general. In fact, I think a bigger part of your sadness, read at the beginning of your post, is that no-one has thrown a shower for you. True, it’s your wedding and so it’s going to be a bigger deal to you and your Fiance than to others, but I think the combination of no-one hosting a shower and having a small turnout for your bachelorette has made you feel undervalued by people you had hoped would be more excited and happy for you than they appear to be acting. It’s understandable that this would hurt your feelings, and you should be able to vent in here about your totally human feelings on this, even if you just need a hug because you’re feeling vulnerable and PMS-y.


Post # 52
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would probably feel hurt, too. They should be honored and instead it’s like they couldn’t be bothered. If you can’t even wish a bride well, why be a BM? Yes they have lives, yada yada but this is an important time in your life. You are not wrong at all, it is not ridiculous to expect people to give a shit.

Post # 53
131 posts
Blushing bee

you may be overreacting a bit. just relax and let the most important thing shine: YOU AND YOUR NEW HUBBY!

dont allow anyone to bum you out. you are about to experience one of the best moments of  your life. i hope this is not the case with your girls but sometimes other women (men too) can get jealous of the bride/groom and want to put a damper on your happiness either because they are not happy or because they don’t want you to ‘outdo’ them. even if none of this is on your mind at all. I experienced this at my own wedding and had 2 people drop out without even a call. one was a girl who i previously worked with and got pretty close with. the other a groomsman. we simply replaced them both and kept it moving. 

Post # 56
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
jess9090:  Agreed.

I would be bummed if my BMs weren’t coming to my bridal shower or bachelorette. 4/6 are from out of state, and they’re all coming, but I would understand if they couldn’t make it due to extra travel costs, etc. It sounds like you’re understanding of this as well. Still, I would 100% expect them to text or write something on Facebook in lieu of attending – it’s the polite thing to do. I think you’re totally right to feel hurt.

Post # 58
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
lalanono:  I was prepared to say you are expecting too much when I read the thread title (bc most are IMO), but I would be a little hurt by no “sorry I can’t make it, have a great time!”, but I wouldn’t have expected them to fly out or take a long bus ride for it anyway. I suspect some Bees just enjoy being overly harsh on these threads. I’m sure your BMs will be happy for you on your wedding day.

Post # 59
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Magnolia House

I’m sorry you are feeling bummed. 2 of my bms live out of state, of the 2 local 1 had an accident at work and has been on disability for 6 months and the other is a single mom. I know I am not getting a shower or a party unless my Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law throw it for me and I am bummed a little but oh well, at least you got something low key…..

Also, just a note, my 2 that are out of town would not fly in for it anyways, too expensive to fly for a party and the wedding unless I do something right before the wedding. However, I would never expect them to come or send a regret because I know that they are out of town. I think they just don’t realize that you are upset/hurt about it because I would not send a regret if I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man when I live out of state because I would assume that everyone knows and understands I can’t come twice.

Hope you get to feeling better, eat some chocolate it always makes me feel better when I’m pmsing.

Post # 60
30 posts
  • Wedding: December 2015

Why are people saying you’re overreacting?! I would be seriously pi$$ed if I was in your shoes, they’re your friends for god sake, they should certainly have let you know if they couldn’t make it. Being a bridesmaid means you are someone special to the bride and you should show it, otherwise don’t be in the bridal party. I think they were plain rude. I’m sorry that all that stuff happened to you and I hope it hasn’t put a dampener on your lovely and exciting wedding planning xx

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