(Closed) Feeling hurt by unsupportive bridesmaids

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 61
Member
39 posts
Newbee

The Bridesmaid or Best Man had no social requirement to ‘hide’ her Vegas party attendence from facebook. She did nothing wrong by going. She could have sent a note, but it is not a major faux pas, if at all. 

The Bridesmaid or Best Man is intitled to have more than one friend. So there are multiple weddings this year in her friend circle. It happens, a lot. Weddings in this country (USA) expect a lot financially and emotionally out of the family, attendents and guests. Your Bridesmaid or Best Man opted to attend some of each celebration, rather than completely invest in one friend and abandon the other. One got a Bridesmaid or Best Man and the other got a Vegas bach party wing woman. (Sounds like a classy solution at that point). 

With roles reversed, do you think the other bride could be hurt that she may have turned down being her Bridesmaid or Best Man or going to her wedding but joined for that party? How hurt would that bride be (and could be another Bee on here) if that ‘friend’ completely ignored her whole wedding just to financially and emotionally focus on yours?

 I just don’t agree that you have a right to control if and how your Bridesmaid or Best Man includes other friends in her life.

I got over this kind of friend jealousy in college. My autisic best friend was making friends with people I had fallen out with. But the thing was, it was so important for him to have genuine friends ( they had dyslexia in common, their major bonding point) I just encouraged it, while ensuring we still had ‘us’ friend time. The two of us with past beef just kept it classy ( and lord knows we were the two loudest, emotional, alpha female, big personality, women with a point to prove, in our year). In the end, we all cheered each other on through theses and at graduation. Nothing good would have come from a territorial throwdown over who my friend could spend time with. 

Your BM’s time is her own. She gets to support other friends who have a wedding in the same year as yours. 

Post # 62
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

I get being upset about the shower because it seems to be expected over there. (though we don’t have showers here- I don’t get them at all). 

But expecting out of state Bridesmaid or Best Man to repeatedly travel seems a bit much. Hell, I’ve not attended hen parties (bachelorettes) that have been a 6 hour drive away & am expecting a few nos for my hen. Nothing to do with how I feel about the bride and everything to do with timing and life. I also wouldn’t have thought sending a card for missing a hen party would be expected either. 

Post # 63
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you’re definitely overreacting, especially about the one who shared her dress with the other one. Honestly, I can see not wanting to bother a busy bride with it and asking another Bridesmaid or Best Man instead. I’d do the same.

Post # 64
Member
39 posts
Newbee

lalanono:  You genuinely expect someone that doesn’t drink to go bar hopping? Do you expect Rabbis to eat bacon? You expect/demand people attend parties where it is clear and obvious that they will have a miserable time?

I would not have a single friend in the world if I acted like you.

For years I’ve planned my birthday parties around non-drinkers, autism, egg/dairy/nut allergies, vegetarians, muslim and jewish dietary restrictions. While it is  really important for me to feel special, I see no damn point in throwing a party my friends would not remotely enjoy. 

The point of a party is that we are genuinely enjoying each other’s company and the festivities.

Post # 65
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Since your HubbyToBe had such a great party, perhaps arrange, if possible a BM/special ladies bonding sesh on wedding weekend. Go to the spa the before the rehearsal or have an after-party Sunday for golf/ horseback riding/ Coney Island some sort of local special outing – your treat.

Sometimes when you want something special, do it yourself. My birthday parties are like that. If what you really want is attention, then paying for it is not the issue. Their time and energy is clearly the commodity here.

 

Have them drop luggage at your house before checkin Friday or after check out Sunday to spare extra hotel costs. Be honest with yourself and them of what magnitude of celebration would make you content, and feasilbe with actual resources of time and money. Take a note from the men’s planning.

Guys prioritize male-bonding time. Be it golfing, fishing, trap and skeet, 4 weelers, or football games. They spend less money on fluff, favors, fancy invites, cocktails and outfits. For them bro time and some food and drink and they are good. Time on the links is not $10 a drink night out or Vegas expensive. If salvageable, try to think of quality time outings (water parks? indoor skiing? what is in your area?) , cater with subway or pizza hut, and re-use the rhinestone sash. 

 

Post # 67
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

lalanono :  Thanks for the update! I’m happy you all survived the difficult times. Friendships require lots of work. 

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