(Closed) Feeling hyper critical of FI

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think it’s interesting that you noticed that you are “not operating from a loving place right now”.  When I get that way I always have to ask myself why and then see if there are things that I can do to put myself into a better frame of mind, i.e. Do you need to get more sleep?  Are you going through high stress at work?  Could you try exercize, prayer/meditation to deal with stress? ,etc, etc.  Find out what you can do to work on getting into a better place personally. 

Post # 4
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@2011nycbride: Don’t worry about it, it’s just a phase some people go through.  You are coming down to the wire where you realize, “THIS IS IT.” You are subconsciously overanalyzing everything he does because you are getting so worked up about this one person being the one you’ll be with for the rest of your life.  This may be the result of doubts you aren’t facing about him that are coming to the surface now.  Or, it may just be that you are getting nervous about your upcoming nuptials and are taking it out on him.  It’s always easiest to take it out on someone that is closest to you.  Who ever heard of being overcritical of an acquaintance? 

Anyways, do what you did in the first paragraph of your post.  Keep focusing on all the good things.  Honestly, being smart, fit, having a great job and all that is definitely a bigger plus than chewing your eggs a certain way or being able to say, “Buenos Aires” with the correct accent.  If he isn’t from Argentina, then he is pronouncing it correctly – for an American, which I assume he is.

If after doing this you still cannot change how you see him – well, then you need to sit yourself down and reevaluate what the heck changed for this to happen.  Maybe you aren’t ready to be with him for the rest of your life just yet.  Maybe you need more time.  Go with your instinct.

 

Post # 5
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Was this a big change that happened right around the time you got engaged? I can somewhat relate to you because I think Fiance and I have fought more in the last year since getting engaged then in the previous 3 years of our relationship combined. And its basically 100% me starting things with him (often times over really little stuff. like a muffin tin. seriously. a blow-out over a muffin tin). 

What I figured out for me is that I’m just a little scared because the stakes are higher now. I love my Fiance and I’m so excited to marry him… but with sooo many people I know divorced, and everything bad you see about marriage allll the time, it can be just a little bit scary because you want to make sure you don’t become one of those unhappy married people, ya know? So all of a sudden when we got engaged everything he did I started scrutinizing. If he leaves a muffin tin in the sink that means that he expects me to cook and clean and slave in the kitchen for the rest of my life (yes really). If he makes a stupid comment while playing a game that means he doesn’t and will never respect me (yes really). If he tells me he didn’t put coffee in the coffee maker when he did that means he is either lying or he’s incapable of admitting when he’s wrong and we’re doomed to a life of fighting (yes really). These are all real fights we’ve had over things that I know I blew way out of proportion because suddenly I’m extrapolating every tiny thing into what it might mean for the next 60 years of our life… rather than realizing that sometimes people do things without thinking. And sometimes people say stupid things. Could it be that you’re just a little nervous about the commitment of marriage? 

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think it’s normal. I feel the same way.  I’m just glad someone else said it.  I love my Fiance more than everything and I know he is the one.  At the 90 day prior to the wedding mark I started judging everything he does and in my head thinking, “Do I really want to deal with the fact that he puts the clothes next to the hamper but not in it for the rest of my life?!?!” And then I get so angry that I start thinking of all the little stuff. Then an hour later I am apologizing for being crazy.  I feel like I’m not myself.

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@2011nycbride: at least you realize that you’re being a bit unreasonable! i really think that things got better when i realized why i was being that way. And I don’t mean to say things were ever bad… but like you i just had these weird negative thoughts happening that were totally irrational. one thing that seems to help me is to think about this exercise our officiant is having us do. She wants us to write letters to her explaining why we are marrying the other person (the purpose is so that she can get to know us better as a couple and give a better homily at the ceremony). But whenever i start to feel like that i start drafting the letter in my head and by the time i’m mid-way through the second paragraph i’m smiling. i end up thinking about the time i got home from a weekend away and he’d set up a picnic for me in the back yard, or how he crawls around on the floor with our dog every night playing first thing when he gets home from work, or how he leaves me notes in the steam on the shower door… and suddenly the fact that he was less cuddly than usual at bed time last night seems less like we’re going to have a loveless marriage and more like maybe he was just tired last night. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I will make my response about me since I’m not entirely in your shoes and don’t knwo all the facts.

I used to do this to my ex-BF. We had a great relationship, but for some reason little things about him bugged me all the time and I was frequently annoyed. Meanwhile, poor guy didn’t deserve any of it, he was smart, funny, good looking, treated me like a princess even if it meant making himself unhappy. I am embarassed now looking back at how I picked on him and disrespected him, but I know I did it because 1) I was immature and 2) I didn’t ever really love him.

With my Darling Husband, there have been times when I was less than nice to him for more than an afternoon or a day. He is really good about pointing it out to me (we also have GREAT communication) so I have always been able to figure out what was really bothering me and address that. It never has anything to do with him, 100% of the time I am just taking out stress on the poor defenseless man.

So hopefully you can get to the root of the issue, either way and address it. I don’t think you necessarily need to see a counselor or anything, just take a step back and analyze your life. Ask yourself what is bothering you so much then figure out how to fix it.

Post # 11
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

I felt this way for the last few days of our honeymoon. Seriously, I felt venemous towards my husband. I recognized that it was completely unhealthy and I just. couldn’t. control. myself. I’m talking little things like running over a curb, or taking a bit of my dinner would make me just seethe, which is usually completely uncharacteristic of our relationship!

I think part of it is recognizing the hugeness of the commitment you’re making. Realizing this is forever.

What helped me was just telling myself–this is forever–so try to make the best of it! I started focusing on the great things about him, and letting the small stuff slide off, because I married a great guy who cares about me and loves me, and I love him!

For me, it was just a phase. Sure, we have moments, but for the most part the venom is gone. I hope yours will wear off soon, too!

Post # 12
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know this might be too much of a simplification so you can take it with a grain of salt (or not take it at all) but…are you PMSing?

It sounds crazy, but the only time I feel this way about my darling Fiance is the week before my period. My mind thinks I don’t want to marry him, but it’s only hormones – of course I want to marry him!

Post # 13
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

1st of all .. it is good that you notice you are acting this way. I doubt you will stay this way forever! It sounds like you are just irritable – it could be stress (wether you realize your stressed or not), it could be hormones.

I went through a bit of this and realized it was a combo of both. I switched birth controls and started making an effort to be more patient – also i didn’t realize i was stressed about stuff going on because it was more emotional stress and most my stress in the past was because of schedules or school… and i wasn’t in school or working so it took awhile to identify what i was feeling. 

Just do your best to have a positive attitude! 

Post # 14
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@CorgiTales: Um, I’m sorry did you hop into my brain and write this post for me? Cause I was about to write the exact same thing!

Post # 16
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You should read the ‘consious bride’ – it is all about the feelings you experience leading up to getting married (not all the expected ”oh so happy” feelings but the ”oh my god this is final” feelings’).

I read this recently and got a really good perspective on what was going on in my head! I just got it out of my local library and it was pretty well worn!

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