(Closed) Feeling in limbo – need insight

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If I were in your situation I’d move on. He’s spent 2/3 of your relationship being unhappy. I don’t know how you move forward from something like that. The fact is, he’s been that unhappy for this long and he’s just telling you now. If you marry him, will you find out a year in that he wishes he’d never gone through with it? A healthy, successful relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Of course every relationship has struggles, but even after you guys sat down and put everything on the table (I recall your previous post where it seemed you guys had talked things through) a month later he’s still not sure if getting married to you makes sense. If he truly feels that way, then it doesn’t make sense to continue the relationship.

I don’t even think it’s strange for people to stay together long term and never get married, but the problem here is he cannot be honest with you about how he feels and at the end of the day he does not want what you want. It sucks, because he let you think you guys were on the same page and moving in the same direction, all the while knowing that he didn’t want those same things. I’m sorry, bee. But you can’t fix his doubts and uncertainties, and I wouldn’t sign up for a life of them.

Post # 3
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

psc62:  break it off and move on. Relationships are work but they aren’t this hard. I dated guys like this. It just gets worse, I promise. Then you end up blaming yourself because you KNEW he was unhappy and tried to make it work. Your self esteem hits the ground. Listen to what he said and walk. You’ll be MUCH happier in the long run.

Post # 4
Hostess
8941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

psc62:  I am sorry but it sounds like this man is royally messing with your feelings which is just not cool. WTH is up with guys who propose then don’t know if they want to marry someone!? I am so sorry he dropped this bombshell on you, but if he is as unhapppy as he claims he has been, I would cut my losses and walk and find someone who would be OVERJOYED to marry me! I know it is tough now, but your future self with thank you.

Post # 5
Member
6271 posts
Bee Keeper

This sounds like really hard work. Always, and for a long time. It doesn’t have to be like this. id say cut your losses and move on. it sounds like you’ll be doing you both a favour. 

Post # 6
Member
740 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would break it off, yes. More so because this situation is kind of telltale of what your future might be like with this man – someone who is unhappy in a relationship .. So he proposes? I wouldn’t trust him with my happiness personally. Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and led you on there instead of facing his problems. This isn’t the way to enter into a marriage – hell, it’s not how you treat anyone that cares about you. I can’t imagine why he went out and did that if he’s not happy here, is there pressure coming from somewhere?

Regardless, yes, it’s the best feeling in the world to be with someone who truly wants to be with you too. Give him a couple weeks then maybe consider what is and isn’t worth your time here?

Btw I feel so sad that this is how your engagement is going and I really mean it when I say I wish you the best.

Post # 8
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

psc62:  I think your last paragraph shows what the problem is…and that is everything moved too quickly in the beginning.  You ended up moving in with him and taking on commitments such as a pet and a wedding while still in the honeymoon period.  Sounds like he’s come out of it and realised a life with you is not what he wants.  Sadly he’s too much of a coward and/or too immature to end it once and for all. 

Post # 9
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t know WHY he would propose when he spent “2/3” of the relationship unhappy. That was incredibly stupid. Move on.

Post # 10
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

Is he unhappy about something specific? Is there something you can work on to improve the relationship? Or is he simply unhappy and you can’t pinpoint exactly why? Did something happen that is the source of this unhappiniess?

If it is the latter, my concern moving forward would be that he will walk away again. I would not want to risk having him walk away two kids and a mortgage from now. I would be very concerned that he just broke it off instead of trying to improve the relationship or himself. If you don’t walk away, you should get some serious answers before marrying him.  

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve love and respect from a partner. period. I agree with the previous posts, let the relationship go. It doesn’t mean that what you two had wasn’t special, but you two got all you could from the relationship. I’m sure you don’t want to begin a marriage with someone who isn’t completely certain you’re the one he wants to be with. What happens when you two want to start a family together and he freaks out again? The sucky part is that he didn’t even try to communicate his frustrations or whatever with you. Be strong! Respect yourself, and don’t give him another chance to mess with your heart like that. Words have power. what he said was messed up and you need to hold him accountable.

Post # 12
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It sounds like he enjoyed playing games with you. Some people are just like that. From what you wrote, it sounds like he dictated the topics of discussion, and anytime he didn’t like what you brought up, he would claim you were pressuring him or “ruining” his time. You will be signing up for a life of walking on eggshells, which just doesn’t work out over 50+ years together…

He asked you to marry him! That shouldn’t mean that you are not allowed to talk about actually, you know, getting married. Please move on. Best of luck to you. 

Post # 13
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

How long have you guys been together?

Post # 14
Member
11531 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, he’s a little gaslighty for my tastes.

You’re pressuring him? He proposed while miserable? Please. He sounds immature and passive aggressive. Not good for a marriage. Sorry bee. 

Post # 15
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I’m guessing you wont like me much for saying this, but I was your ex in my last relationship. I was unhappy for a majority of the time, but I kept telling myself it was just a rough spot that we had to work through- that if we put in the effort, it would all work out in the end. The truth is, some people just aren’t meant to be together. You can love your partner truly, madly, deeply, but love just isn’t enough. You have to make each other HAPPY too. I’m sorry that he hasn’t been honest with you about his feelings, that isn’t fair to you, and I know how much walking away after you’ve invested so much into a person hurts, but I walked down the aisle in a relationship that “needed work,” and it didn’t help. We only got worse and I regret, for the both of us, that we wasted so much time and energy trying to save something that had died, when we could have been out finding some real happiness.  

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