Post # 1
Regular bee going anon. I love my Fiance and always thought he was the man I would spend my life with. But I just feel like I am in complete limbo in our relationship. 4 months ago the man of my dreams proposed and I enthusiastically said yes! But problems started to arise when I tried to start planning the wedding.
First, he didn’t want to talk about the wedding right away and just wanted to enjoy being engaged – no problem. Then I let some time pass and wanted to start getting things moving. We couldn’t agree on eloping vs. traditional wedding and I felt he was just really digging in his feet when I was trying to find solutions so we could have a day we would both be happy with. I finally thought we ended up on the same page. Then the day we arranged to get our wedding bands, seemingly out of the blue, he told me we need to break up. I was so crushed. He said I was putting too much pressure on him (and I suspect he was freaking out a little financially despite my parents offering to cover the wedding). I understood, but wished he would have told me how he was feeling instead of just dropping the bomb on me.
I gave him some space and we decided to try to work things out again. I knew I didn’t want to lose him especially over something I thought was easy to fix. So it’s been a month since this happened and I just feel terrible in our relationship. He now tells me he is unsure of our relationship and if it “makes sense” that we should get married. He always says he wants to be with me but seems so reluctant/hesitant about making solid plans (setting a date.) We had an enjoyable night out with friends but when we got home I wanted to discuss what we were doing (are we still engaged?) since the topic hasn’t been brought up yet and I was tired of feeling like lying to people when someone asks if when is the wedding. Apparently he has felt unhappy in our relationship 2/3rds of the time (yikes!!). And I got the impression it’s largely because he dwells on little miscommunications and he only remembers negative things and seems to forget all the positive things. I just feel so discouraged because I don’t understand how someone goes to proposing and being sure of wanting to spend a life together then 3 months later being entirely unsure and closed off.
I guess I’d like some input from you bees. I suspect the large majority of you will tell me to walk away. And I have definitely been feeling as though I deserve a man who wants to be with me. But part of me is really confused over this entire situation and I guess I wished he cared as much as I do. Should we go back to bf/gf and date? Should I move out? Cut my losses entirely? Ugh.. help
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
If I were in your situation I’d move on. He’s spent 2/3 of your relationship being unhappy. I don’t know how you move forward from something like that. The fact is, he’s been that unhappy for this long and he’s just telling you now. If you marry him, will you find out a year in that he wishes he’d never gone through with it? A healthy, successful relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Of course every relationship has struggles, but even after you guys sat down and put everything on the table (I recall your previous post where it seemed you guys had talked things through) a month later he’s still not sure if getting married to you makes sense. If he truly feels that way, then it doesn’t make sense to continue the relationship.
I don’t even think it’s strange for people to stay together long term and never get married, but the problem here is he cannot be honest with you about how he feels and at the end of the day he does not want what you want. It sucks, because he let you think you guys were on the same page and moving in the same direction, all the while knowing that he didn’t want those same things. I’m sorry, bee. But you can’t fix his doubts and uncertainties, and I wouldn’t sign up for a life of them.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
psc62: break it off and move on. Relationships are work but they aren’t this hard. I dated guys like this. It just gets worse, I promise. Then you end up blaming yourself because you KNEW he was unhappy and tried to make it work. Your self esteem hits the ground. Listen to what he said and walk. You’ll be MUCH happier in the long run.
Post # 4
psc62: I am sorry but it sounds like this man is royally messing with your feelings which is just not cool. WTH is up with guys who propose then don’t know if they want to marry someone!? I am so sorry he dropped this bombshell on you, but if he is as unhapppy as he claims he has been, I would cut my losses and walk and find someone who would be OVERJOYED to marry me! I know it is tough now, but your future self with thank you.
Post # 5
This sounds like really hard work. Always, and for a long time. It doesn’t have to be like this. id say cut your losses and move on. it sounds like you’ll be doing you both a favour.
Post # 6
I would break it off, yes. More so because this situation is kind of telltale of what your future might be like with this man – someone who is unhappy in a relationship .. So he proposes? I wouldn’t trust him with my happiness personally. Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and led you on there instead of facing his problems. This isn’t the way to enter into a marriage – hell, it’s not how you treat anyone that cares about you. I can’t imagine why he went out and did that if he’s not happy here, is there pressure coming from somewhere?
Regardless, yes, it’s the best feeling in the world to be with someone who truly wants to be with you too. Give him a couple weeks then maybe consider what is and isn’t worth your time here?
Btw I feel so sad that this is how your engagement is going and I really mean it when I say I wish you the best.
Post # 7
Thank you bees. All of your responses honestly make me feel so validated. My feeling was that it’s time to move on, but you know in situtations like this sometimes you always wonder what would happen if you hung on a little longer.
He had a way of making things seem like they were all my fault. Even after our night out with friends, just because I wanted to talk about where we were at his response is “why are you bringing this up? can’t we just have a good night? let’s build on this happiness.” So in essence me asking for clarity means I ruined the good night we had. Anytime an emotional discussion is had and the day is wrecked??
I’m not sure if he said the 2/3rds thing just to hurt me or if that is legitimately true but I definitely think that he’s not always honest about his feelings. He would be the “pressure cooker” and hold things in until he couldn’t handle it anymore and do something rash like break up with me. From the day we met we both said we wanted to get married, he asked me to move in rather quickly, we got a dog together and then he proposed shortly after. Nothing made me doubt his commitment until now.
Post # 8
psc62: I think your last paragraph shows what the problem is…and that is everything moved too quickly in the beginning. You ended up moving in with him and taking on commitments such as a pet and a wedding while still in the honeymoon period. Sounds like he’s come out of it and realised a life with you is not what he wants. Sadly he’s too much of a coward and/or too immature to end it once and for all.
Post # 9
I don’t know WHY he would propose when he spent “2/3” of the relationship unhappy. That was incredibly stupid. Move on.
Post # 10
Is he unhappy about something specific? Is there something you can work on to improve the relationship? Or is he simply unhappy and you can’t pinpoint exactly why? Did something happen that is the source of this unhappiniess?
If it is the latter, my concern moving forward would be that he will walk away again. I would not want to risk having him walk away two kids and a mortgage from now. I would be very concerned that he just broke it off instead of trying to improve the relationship or himself. If you don’t walk away, you should get some serious answers before marrying him.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve love and respect from a partner. period. I agree with the previous posts, let the relationship go. It doesn’t mean that what you two had wasn’t special, but you two got all you could from the relationship. I’m sure you don’t want to begin a marriage with someone who isn’t completely certain you’re the one he wants to be with. What happens when you two want to start a family together and he freaks out again? The sucky part is that he didn’t even try to communicate his frustrations or whatever with you. Be strong! Respect yourself, and don’t give him another chance to mess with your heart like that. Words have power. what he said was messed up and you need to hold him accountable.
Post # 12
It sounds like he enjoyed playing games with you. Some people are just like that. From what you wrote, it sounds like he dictated the topics of discussion, and anytime he didn’t like what you brought up, he would claim you were pressuring him or “ruining” his time. You will be signing up for a life of walking on eggshells, which just doesn’t work out over 50+ years together…
He asked you to marry him! That shouldn’t mean that you are not allowed to talk about actually, you know, getting married. Please move on. Best of luck to you.
Post # 13
How long have you guys been together?
Post # 14
Wow, he’s a little gaslighty for my tastes.
You’re pressuring him? He proposed while miserable? Please. He sounds immature and passive aggressive. Not good for a marriage. Sorry bee.
Post # 15
I’m guessing you wont like me much for saying this, but I was your ex in my last relationship. I was unhappy for a majority of the time, but I kept telling myself it was just a rough spot that we had to work through- that if we put in the effort, it would all work out in the end. The truth is, some people just aren’t meant to be together. You can love your partner truly, madly, deeply, but love just isn’t enough. You have to make each other HAPPY too. I’m sorry that he hasn’t been honest with you about his feelings, that isn’t fair to you, and I know how much walking away after you’ve invested so much into a person hurts, but I walked down the aisle in a relationship that “needed work,” and it didn’t help. We only got worse and I regret, for the both of us, that we wasted so much time and energy trying to save something that had died, when we could have been out finding some real happiness.