- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Since I have no one else to talk to I figured I’d post here to see if someone can understand the situation that I’m in.
I’m feeling extremely isolated from my family and friends. It’s like people feel that I am doing everything that they never thought I would be able to do. And now that I’m just like them with, its a problem. We will ignore the fact that everything that I’m doing is completely normal. I know with friends the solution is simple, find better friends, but when it comes to family I don’t know what to do.
So what have I done that was so bad? I got married, bought a house with my husband moving 30-45 minutes away, and I started working from home. That’s it.
Prior to getting married to my husband, I was living in my grandparents old farm house that was badly in need of repair. Even though the property was paid off, I was paying just shy of half my salary every month to assist my parents with the cost of the repairs. The understanding my mother and I had was that when I was ready to buy a house she would help me with the downpayment. Additionally, my mother expressed a desire for the house to remain in the family and thus one day it would be mine and my siblings. Well as the story goes, my father was doing shoddy repairs but pulling out thousands (5-10K easily) of dollars at a time. Additionally, my father doesn’t quite understand the concept of 24 hour notice before doing repairs. Many days I get home from a long day of work with my hr+ commute and have him in my space, with dirt and dust everywhere and the statement of “Good you’re here, you can clean this up and help me with this!”. But still, my fault because I allowed this to go on for 8 years because I was trying to help my family and I honestly believed that one day it would be mine. Well after years (over 5) of asking my mother to put things in writing, I gave up and realized it was never going to happen. And I acknowledged that if there was any money left, it was gone.
Skip ahead to our marriage, we paid for our wedding ourselves, my husband moved in and my mom gave us a wedding present of no rent for a year. (Yes, I have kept the card – tempted to laminate it and put it in safe). We had already been looking for houses since the situation had gotten worse and I wanted to make sure there were no more unannouced visits/repairs from my father. A month after we got married, our contract was approved. We packed up, cleaned and moved. Perhaps I should have involved my parents more in the details of us looking for houses, but considering they weren’t paying for it, why. After all, I took the downpayment from my retirement. I know bad long term move, but its done.
So to now, my father has seen our house once before we signed our contract, my mother has seen our house once before we signed and once before we moved in, my sister has seen our house once before we moved in, and that’s it. I don’t want my father at the house because all he complains about is how our house was a bad choice, we shouldn’t have paid more than X for it, it doesn’t have enough land, we have neighbors, we have a shared driveway, its on well/septic, etc. I’ve invited my mother and sister several times but they don’t want to come. They have never seen the house after the walls were painted – no furniture, no lived in feel. And my friends keep saying they are coming but they barely came to the old house so 45 minutes further wasn’t going to happen either.
So here I am with what should be one of my top accomplishments, getting married and buying a houses to shortening my commute and I’m alone. My friends? Like I said, they barely came to see me anyway so it’s nothing new of having to go see them. But my family the people who should be happy for me. Nothing. If they say anything to me its in the context of how they feel I was completely selfish and ungrateful to leave and if I had waited a little longer I could have had my grandparents house. The only thing I can make sense out of is that: I was never supposed to get married, I was never supposed to move, and I was never supposed to want to shorten my commute to work.
My husband and I are happy and I know that should be enough for me. But I would have liked to have support from my friends and family like a normal person. I feel bad spending so much time crying to him. His parents are so utterly excited for us, but its not the same as my family and my friends. It’s really hard feeling like people are just waiting for your to fail.
My father asked during thanksgiving to come over for a “home inspection” aka point out to the rest of the extended family, why our purchase of this house was stupid. I declined.
Is this normal growing pains? Or is my family really this dysfunctional? All I know is I feel isolated.