(Closed) Feeling jealous of friends and family getting married or engaged

posted 6 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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justpeachylol:  

To answer your questions: It took a break and a serious look at our relationship for him to commit. We’re so much better now. I mean…like a million times better than we were before the break which was in 2014. We got engaged that November and we’re getting married this July. So we’re having a long engagement but that was by choice. We had too much going on last year to plan anything.

Now to address the real problem. You have to make the decision of if you want to continue to wait for him. You. And what happens if he does propose? Are you going to move there with him? There are logistics to consider. Is he going to move to be with you? Which honestly, sounds better if he’s suffering in another city. But it sounds like he’s not ready to commit at all. I think that if you can give yourself a timeline, saying I want to be engaged by (this time) next year and then if he doesn’t propose you have to make that hard decision of leaving him. Sorry bee, but that’s the truth. I wish you well.

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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justpeachylol:  Has he talked about why he doesn’t want to get married? Getting him to articulate his reasons, whether they be concerns about his finances or just not wanting to commit, should help you understand where he’s coming from and what kind of timeline you would be looking at.  

Also, it sounds like you have some concerns about the relationship in general. I think it’s worth taking a good long think about whether those things would actually be fixed by marriage or not, if they are fixable, and how you would go about fixing them.

Post # 5
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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justpeachylol:  If he’s really that marketable, then at least for his own future career he should be moving someplace that offers him a better job! I’m not saying that’s where you are but I am saying that he’s not just dragging his feet in commiting to you. He’s dragging his feet in commiting to a career too! Do you want to have this same discussion with him when it comes to having kids? He’ll say something like ‘well, we don’t have enough money.’ or ‘can’t we just wait another year’. I don’t know when you want to have kids but I do know that if it were me and he was dragging his feet on that, I wouldn’t be happy about it. You want to be 100% onboard with your partner.

Post # 6
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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justpeachylol:  Oh and if you’re worried that you’re getting too old b/c all your friends are getting married, don’t. You’re young. You can find someone that makes you really happy! Because it doesn’t sound like he does.

Post # 7
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

is he willing to move now so atleast you can be progressing in the relationship? LDR to marriage is quite a leap. When you visit someone, you get their best behavior. Being around someone in daily life or atleast multiple times a week helps you both decide if you want marriage. The other thing is age of course, he sounds like it’s not on his near future list of plans which might have to do with the lack of career or his age or both. He probably wants to feel established first. But ulitmatley you can’t twist someone’s arm into it. You need to decide what you value more- getting married soon, or marrying him. If it’s the former you need to move on and date someone locally. If it’s the latter, make peace with waiting years. But honestly if he’s not willing to move id break up. How much money are you spending visiting? Sounds like a lot of effort meanwhile he gets to sit back.

Re other weddings, just remind yourself their marriages and engagements have literally zero to do with you. So don’t compare. I know it’s hard to have something you want all around you but make those thoughts just be in passing. 

Post # 8
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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justpeachylol:  I am so sorry you are going through this and believe me when I say this… I completely understand what you are going through.  My DH and I dated for 8 years before he proposed.  At the beginning of our relationship we had many problems because I felt like I was ready and he wasn’t.  We were both in school.  He then got a job but then got laid off.  It took him almost 2 years to find another job.  When he finally found a job that’s when things started getting serious.  We started saving for a home and about a year later he proposed.  We were engaged for almost two years before we got married in Dec 2014.  I am glad the things went the way they did.  He planned ahead of time and I am so grateful to him.  

Don’t push him and just let this take its course.  If he is underemployed then that’s probably the main reason why he doesn’t want to get engaged right now.  Why would you want to get married when you know he is underemployed.  You don’t want to put that stress on him.  Yes you are still young and everyone is getting married but so what.  Enjoy this time with him.  Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by MrsNino.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by MrsNino.
Post # 10
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I waited over 7 years. Though after 5 is when I was really starting to feel the wait as we started dating at 19. 

Post # 11
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would give him time until March 2017 and walk. If he wants to marry you he will marry you, if He doesnt then you’ll get more excuses. 

I think his mom knows what’s up and that she’s right- some women would have left a year ago.

Post # 12
Hostess
4615 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I went through this at 24 too (I’m 27) and at the time, my now Fiance and I had been together for 6 years. All of my college roommates got engaged at 23 and married at 24 and they had met their SOs after we gradutated from college, so everything (to me) went really quickly. My younger sister got married before me to a guy she started dating years after I met my Fiance. Cousins got married to guys they’d known for less than a year. It was definitely difficult, but it wasn’t the right time for us. I was in law school and we were long distance at the time (he took a great opportunity 12 hours away). We got engaged last year after I’d passed the bar and he’d moved back to my city. We’d lived together for almost a year at that point as well. What I’m getting at is to try not to let other people’s timelines affect you.

I know it’s much easier said than done and I had a mini pity party every time I saw a new engagement status update on facebook or was texted a ring pic, but your time will come. If you’re sure that your SO is the one and that he wants to get married, I would wait. If you’ve been long distance the whole time, I would highly suggest living in the same city or living together before you get engaged anyway because it is completely different living near your SO than long distance (of our 8+ year relationship, about 3 years were long distance). Usually we’d have growing pains for the 6ish months after living in the same city because it’s so easy to romanticize your relationship and not want to have the big talks when you’re in an LDR. You can’t ignore differences nearly as much when you live nearby.

We’ll be getting married two weeks before our 9 year anniversary and I’m honestly happy we waited.

Post # 13
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

I understand where you are coming from.. I’m a waiting bee and I’ve been together with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We started dating when we were younger, so I’ve been pretty understanding about waiting. Just last year, i started feeling the wait.. And wanted to get engaged. However, I had a conversation with my SO about our expectations for the future and our timeline, which made me feel so much better. 

I think you should have a serious conversation with your SO about why marriage is important to you. If he doesn’t open up, I would walk since he may have a commitment issue and he may never be ready to commit his entire life in marriage to you.

Post # 14
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I would seriously suggest you move closer together before considering marriage. LDRs seem hard because you miss each other (me and my SO did it for a while) but you see the best of each other. Living together is so much harder, you see everything. I feel I have learnt so much more about my SO and our relationship is so much stronger as a result. 

Even if you’d rather not live together you should try to live in the same town or city so you can see each other more often.

I know it can be difficult to see other people ‘overtaking you’ as it were. But you have to note that the amount of time that you and your SO have spent together (weekends or weeks over those years) may not add up to the same out of time if a cohabiting couple.

Try not to pressure your SO but also think for yourself if this relationship makes you happy and how long you are willing to wait until you take the next step. It’s not easy but if he’s the one then it’s worth it. Good luck 

Post # 15
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I’m in an international LDR, I swore I would never do a LDR, but when I met Fiance, he changed everything. We met when I was 25, engaged at 26 and now I am 27. The reason that changed my mind was because he always met me halfway and put in a lot of effort into the relationship.

From your stance and the way you worded the OP, it sounds like you are putting in more effort than he is, and it is impacting you emotionally and financially. Before I got the job I currently have, I was hustling 3 part time jobs because one was a passion job, and I needed the others to make money to save up and support my half of our travel trips. He didn’t mind covering my end for our trips, but I insisted because it meant something to me to put in my own effort into the relationship. 

This is a trying time. It’s even harder when you don’t have the luxury to be physically intimate, like just sitting together with an arm around the other or cuddling. You have a lot of soul searching ahead of you. You don’t have to answer these questions on the forum, but please take them into consideration for your own well bein. Explore what your limits are? How much more can you handle carrying the majority of the weight in this relationship? How much longer are you willing to wait? Is he worth it to wait x years for an engagement? If he is worth it, how has he shown you in actions that he is worth It and worth the wait? How much longer before you say enough? What are your deal breakers?  I would engage in talking about “where do you see yourself in 10-5-3-2-1 years?” I would use that as a launching pad for a discussion to see what either of you are willing and planning to do to achieve the various goals. 

Until you have a solid plan that you both are on the same page about, I would really recommend you immerse yourself in activities or hobbies that will make you a more wholesome person, which can lead to you feeling more confident and happier.  He seems like he is stuck in his roots and doesn’t want to budge. If you keep talking about things and it isn’t motivating him, and you keep throwing more and more of yourself (emotionally and financially) into the relationship, he doesn’t have much motivation to get moving! because now you are still coming to visit him. If you join a community league, or start an art or fitness class, get physical, get all your frustration out, it will give you a breather from the rut/cycle of your LDR. hopefully it will give you guys a chance to miss each other in the week, which is always nice.

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