Feeling Let Down by Proposal

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, people can be harsh on this forum. 

I personally think this is just relationship anxiety that the happiest of people in relationships experience. I don’t think your grief around the perfect proposal is directly reflective of your relationship (though it’s up to you to deipher that ultimately, not a bunch of strangers…), but could just be reflective of the big life change(s) you’re making. To me, it sounds like you need to let yourself be sad about the “proposal of your dreams” not coming to fruition. No need to beat yourself up about how you feel. It sounds like your fiance’s style is just different from yours, which doesn’t mean anything about the health of your relationship. It also sounds like you and your fiance haven’t been doing things in the traditional order, so perhaps he’s not even aware of your childhood dreams! Have you talked to him about any of this? 

Concerning the ring, I also think that having a more straightforward conversation about the practicality of something a little safer for your children and day-to-day life is perfectly acceptable. 

I hope you’re able to find some peace around this! Good luck. 🙂

Post # 17
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@fianced2020:  Just bc you didn’t mean to offend doesn’t mean it’s not offensive, it’s not that hard to edit your post. As far as the ring, I say bring it up and spend the money since you have it, you’ll be wearing it every day so you should love it. 

Post # 18
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

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@ladyvk:  haha you’re brilliant, thank you

Post # 20
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

 

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@vanessalynn22:  not everything is a racial slur as you see it. If she were specifically making a post about Romani (which my family comes from) yes I would be offended, however, she is not, and I, one of the people she is offending technically, am not offended.

So if I’m not offended, I don’t think anyone else will be. Stop derailing the thread.

Post # 22
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@fianced2020:  my husband proposed in front of a waterfall while I was covered in dirt, in highlighter aqua green booty shorts that were too tight, and guess what? Even though I didn’t look perfect, he proposed to me anyway.

It was just as special as anything else would’ve been and I think given time you might realize it’s the proposal you wanted you just didnt know it. It sounds very special and genuine and that’s what’s important.

As for the ring, suggest an upgrade in future, it doesnt have to be a permanent ring.

Post # 24
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

In the words of Ricky Gervais (what a legend) “just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right”.

Anyway, OP I think your proposal sounds nice. It’s nice to have the declarations of love etc but maybe he’s just not that guy? 

He could have re boxed the ring though at least if it was tatty.

 

Post # 25
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think it’s normal to feel a certain way when things don’t match our expectations. I have a friend who was proposed to in the middle of a remodel. No makeup, paint clothes, dirty. It wasn’t what she imagined.

If you want him to tell you all the reasons he loves you and why he wants to marry you, ask him. If you want it to meet your expectations give him time to think about what he wants to say. You could even plan a romantic date and tell each other then. Or maybe have some engagement photos planned and when they do the enacted proposal photos, which always seem to happen, he can tell you then and you both say sweet things to each other and get great photos. If your love language is words of affirmation I totally understand needing to hear it. But you have to tell him what your expectations are.

Relationships go through all sorts of phases and stages over a lifetime. If you are happy and in love now I wouldn’t be concerned that you almost broke up.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with bringing the ring up in the right way. Are you okay with your dream ring being an anniversary upgrade a few years from now? “Babe, I love the sentiment behind your grandmother’s ring. It’s lovely and thoughtful. However, I’ve always wanted a plain solitaire. Is that something you would be okay with someday?” Then see how the conversation progresses.

I will say that for me there are various levels of affording something. If it’s money you can spend and never notice or miss I am all on board! If it drains an emergency fund or important savings account, could have paid off a debt.. or takes away from something else it really depends on what your priorities are. Some people value savings, investments, vacations, honeymoons, larger weddings over their rings. While other people don’t have to choose. Completely depends on the two of you.

Post # 26
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Unmet expections will get you everytime and it’s fair to be disappointed. Did you fiance know you had certain expectations? Did you ever look at or discuss rings? If it was never talked about than how could he know what you wanted? As a society we put alot of pressure on people to pull off a perfect proposal and that’s not realistic 99% of the time. Grand gestures of love can be great but that doesn’t get you through the everyday life of marriage/partnership. Not saying you aren’t getting through the everyday stuff just fine but what’s more important? A relationship that is healthy and loving with a mediocore proposal or a grand proposal with a difficult relationship? 

As far as the ring, you should get what you want and other bees have given you great advice on how to do that. I hope it works out how you hope! 

Post # 27
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@ladyvk:  (modded for derailing)

Post # 28
Member
8358 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@vanessalynn22:  This is the worst moderating Ive ever seen. “well im not offended by this racial slur so ima keep it!” 

@ibtyen get your mods in line, this is fucking crazy.

Post # 29
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

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@fianced2020:  But your expectations are just not in line with reality.  You keep harping on how you dreamed of a particular type of proposal since you were a little girl, but in that childhood fantasy were you already living together and the parents to two children?  Doubtful.  So why would this specific part of your dream still play out when the steps you’ve taken up to now don’t lead down that path?

You chose to have not one but two children with a guy who not long ago said he’d be willing to stomach you.  (Hey, you chose to tell us that, don’t blame me) And yet you expect this same guy to make a grand, romantic gesture with the ring of your dreams.  You’re not being realistic.  If this is the guy you want to marry, great, do it.  And if you want a different ring, then buy one, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But to have hopes for convention when nothing you’ve done has been conventional is odd.  That’s all.  

Post # 30
Member
2174 posts
Buzzing bee

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@jellybellynelly:  agreed. Is it so hard to just change the title and then keep the discussion on track?!

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