Feeling Let Down by Proposal

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Hostess
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

FYI – I can’t edit the title because the site keeps timing out, super annoying.

Post # 32
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@jellybellynelly:  Wow, that’s never happened to me before! What’s funny is that I myself being a person of color is not easily offended but I always try to be as sensitive as possible, I’m not perfect, I used “jipped” all the time but a few weeks ago on this forum I was I formed of the origin of the phrase so I stopped 🤷🏻‍♀️

Post # 33
Member
8386 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@DrAtkins:  Thank you! At least we have one competent mod around. I will also own my karen-ness and say that I sent a message to Tyson. THis is not the first issue this mod has ignored or created on her own. 

Post # 34
Hostess
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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@ladyvk:  Seriously?? PM’ing you…

Post # 35
Member
8386 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@vanessalynn22:  The appropriate response when faced with “hey thats kinda racist” lol. Not so difficult! 

Post # 36
Member
818 posts
Busy bee

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@DrAtkins:  ummm you aren’t meant to air your dirty laundry on a public forum though if you’re just about to give someone a bollocking…

Post # 37
Hostess
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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@MeandYou:  What is dirty laundry? Making sweeping generalizations when it comes to PC terms and how they make people feel isn’t cool, and especially isn’t cool for a mod to do. And I, as a mod, won’t stand for it. Sorry not sorry.

ETA: I won’t be engaging further on this thread, because I’m not going to derail it further but I want the bees to know that this issue is being addressed.

Post # 38
Member
818 posts
Busy bee

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@DrAtkins:  my comment wasn’t even on about what is our isn’t racist. 

You’ve made it known now that you’re going to tell the other mod off. We didn’t need to know this. That could have been done in private

Post # 39
Member
6942 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly I don’t care if it is derailing. The first comment POLITELY pointed out the use of an ethnic slur in this post/title. The appropriate response would’ve been to listen and learn from it. I know not everyone knows about this one. Instead OP decided to make fun of those offended and told them to get over it. That’s bullshit. Someone unknowingly used this same term the other week and when it was pointed out to them that it was offensive they APOLOGISED and said they would no longer use that word. It’s really that simple. 

And I don’t care if one person deems it “non-offensive.” She doesn’t speak for everyone. It’s like if one POC tells you they don’t find the N word offensive. Well good for them but no, that doesn’t make it okay. 

Post # 40
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@fianced2020:  Would you be happy with some fantastic bands for everyday? If not, talk to your future husband, buy the ring you want and switch things up from day to day or hand to hand as you wish. Life is too short to be unhappy with a piece of jewelry. (ETA: I tagged OP here, and OP shows up as the tag when I came back in to edit, not sure why it’s showing up as @ jbn? Anyone know?)

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@jellybellynelly:  I agree. It is a derogatory and offensive term. I used it myself in the past before I knew, now I don’t. Just because it doesn’t offend a couple of people on the thread does not mean that it’s not offensive and should remain.

Post # 41
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 1999 - Tacoma, WA

My husband proposed by sliding a ring on my finger while saying “You’re still going to marry me, right?” while lying on his bed in the Marine Corps barracks. This was after I saw the ring (he had left it out on my coffee table) that morning and RIGHT after another Marine had knocked on his door to tell him he had dropped the ring outside his room door. Oh, and the ring was borrowed because we were poor and I was pregnant. The story is terrible, right? I tell it because after 22 years and 2 kids, we are so madly in love that the proposal memory just makes us laugh. In the scheme of things, you have to decide if it really matters.

As for the ring, just pick out a great wedding band and wear that after the ceremony. Maybe tough it out until then?

Post # 42
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

@MeandYou:  Even that term in the UK gip/jip is a racial slur. It comes from British occupation of Egypt and was a derogatory term for Egyptians. Just because it’s used doesn’t mean it’s appropriate.

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@jellybellynelly:  Thank you! Just because one person from an ethnic group says it doesn’t bother them, doesn’t make it suddenly not offensive to everyone. Seems really inappropriate for a mod to be shutting that down.

 

ETA: first comment was supposed to be for MeandYou, not JBN.

Post # 43
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

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@DrAtkins:  Thank you for being the voice of reason.

Yeah, I’m not thrilled with the mod in question either. There have been many recent instances where she’s just been off, way overstepping the ‘neutral’ zone.

I hate jumping on the offense brigade for no reason but this is a term rooted in awful stereotypes against a very persecuted minority. Such negative stereotypes have extremely serious consequences as anyone with any understanding of history will realize. The OP used it innocently enough, but to see a mod casually justifying its continued use is a bit much.  

 

Post # 44
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee

OP, if you are happy with your guy and the life you have built together and want to marry each other, that’s all that matters.  The proposal may not be the proposal of your dreams, but it’s still a proposal and it will be something you can look back on someday and laugh about. He may not be someone who is into grand gestures or didn’t know you expected a fairytale proposal.  When I got engaged, I proposed to my hubby. It was like how Kate Hudson did it in the movie “Bride Wars.”  I rambled on about a bunch of things and spending my life with him and came right out and said, “Why don’t we just get married?” And he said, “Well, since you can’t wait…” and brought out a ring box.  We laugh about it all the time when we tell our friends because it’s not traditional at all.  Congrats on your engagement!  

Post # 45
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee

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@fianced2020:  I think pps are confused about your statement that his prior treatment of you is “of no consequence” yet you included that information in your narrative. If it truly is of no consequence, I don’t understand why it has any bearing on your disappointment around the proposal and ring such that you would mention it in this post. Honestly, I’m very happy that you and your SO were able to work through that challenging period. Relationships are never perfect (I don’t care what anyone claims) – they’re complicated, messy, full of ups and downs, etc. – because we are talking about human behavior which is imperfect at times (we’re not robots, right?) But bringing it back up in a post about your proposal and ring makes me think that you still have some deep wounds (and rightly so) that haven’t entirely healed, bee. I wish you all the best and hope that he treats you like you deserve to be treated and never reverts to merely “stomaching” you. 

And I agree with pps about just communicating with your partner about the practicalities of your current engagement ring. Since it’s a family ring, I definitely wouldn’t suggest getting rid of it (he or his family make take offense to that idea). But a rational discussion about a ring that you could wear every day and still be able to enjoy and take care of your babies should not be an issue. 

Best of luck, bee! 

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