Feeling Let Down by Proposal

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@mkendrick:  this exactly.

OP I know you were just venting but you can’t come to an internet forum and mention that your fiance was merely tolerating you for a large part of the relationship and that your relationship started with your convincing him to be with you and not expect bees to express concern.

That doesn’t sound like a good foundation. The picture you’ve painted is of a one-sided relationship.

It also seems that perhaps you rug-sweep major issues like that, as you mention you started having kids and then all of a sudden everything was fixed. I doubt that having two children with someone who isn’t that into you magically became the glue that bonded you together.

I’m not sure how you actually worked through his lukewarm feelings for you or if that’s even possible tbh and it seems that despite your insistence to the contrary, your insecurity about how the relationship started is re-surfacing through the proposal.

If you are insecure in the relationship, a ring will not cement you together, just as having kids with someone will not make someone love you or want to marry you. If you truly feel that his reluctance to be with you is 100% in the past and handled, then you should find a way to get past your disappointment and accept that this is how he is with you.

It does not sound like it is in his personality to surprise you with a romantic proposal based on what you have described here so it sounds like this is how he is.

If the proposal disappointment is the tipping point for you then so be it, but to me it seems that you have deeper issues than the ring. Take that as you may. 

Whatever you choose to do to move forward, please keep your children’s best interests in mind

 

Post # 47
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

He said he didn’t want to get married after the 1st kid because he wanted a love marriage…so was he saying he still wasn’t in love with you after a year and kid? When did he fall in love with you? I’m surprised you agreed to a second kid after that. 

Post # 48
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re disappointed by the way things went down, it sounds like a real bummer. Unfortunately there isn’t really much you can do regarding the proposal as you’ve already accepted and are planning a wedding. So instead of focusing on what’s done and rhuminating on your disappointment let’s change gears and look for things we can actually do something about. You aren’t a huge fan of your ring. Besides the design itself, you aren’t happy with the impracticality for your job.

Luckily you have options, here are just a few off the top of my head:

1. tell Fiance that you’re concerned that the ring can’t handle the wear and tear of your job and you don’t want it to be damaged during work. Ask if he’d be willing to work on a design using the stones he has that would be more conducive to your work environment. This is pricey and might cost more than buying a new ring.

2. Put a ring in a box and keep it there while you’re at work. Wear a silicone ring at work instead (quite frankly it sounds like ring wearing isn’t really pragmatic at your job due to the bodily fluids you come into contact with, and that it could fuck with your gloves). You don’t have to wear your engagement ring after you’re married and opt for a wedding band that’s more your style. 

3. You agree to an upgrade ring in the future to mark a milestone or anniversary that you pick out together.

 

4. express your appreciation for the heirloom but then say it’s not making you the most happy. Offer to buy a ring for yourself that will compliment his grandmother’s heirloom. Can the heirloom be used as a wedding band so that you’re getting the best of both worlds? 

Look, your emotions are valid, and if this is a problem for you, it’s a problem (granted, being unhappy with a ring is a great problem to have), and we can’t tell you otherwise. I think you should communicate with him regardless of the outcome. No one wants to be miserable/have their partner feel miserable, and the sooner it’s communicated the sooner action is taken to remedy the situation. I hope that you collaborate to find a resolution that makes both of you happy. Good luck.

Post # 49
Member
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

OP – your statement about your partner “stomaching you” turned my stomach, no pun intended. That’s what I say about prawns (shrimp). I can stomach them. If someone cooks prawns for me, I’ll eat them out of politeness, I’m not allergic to them so I don’t feel like I can refuse them. I can’t say I enjoy them though. If I eat too many, I feel sick but I can stomach just enough to say I’m full or saving myself for the main meal. If I’m out for a meal, I will not pay for prawns as I just don’t like them enough. I won’t pay for something that I can just ‘stomach’.

You say you’ve moved passed that but then why bring it up? Funny that your complaint is that you don’t feel he’s put enough effort in with the proposal or the ring. From my point of view that seems to be very linked to the comment he made to you before you had his child. Usually, I’m on the side of your romantic proposal of your childhood dreams is not the real world. He proposed, you don’t need to be dressed up or in the most romantic place, getting engaged in any way is the romantic bit (my proposal wasn’t fairytale romantic so I’m speaking from experience). However, if my husband ever said that to me, he would have to display a lot of effort in the proposal to ever get close to me forgiving him.

Post # 50
Member
8360 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I know this is contentious on wb – but this sounds like a case of having kids to try and “trap” someone. He was barely interested, going to “stomach” her, and bam, baby happened, now he has to stick around? *shrug* 

Anyways, if you do want to stay together and whatnot, you have to put the little girl dream out of your mind. You arent a little girl. You are a grown woman with 2 kids and who knows how many step kids. Your family is more important than an instagram picture. Giving you his grandmothers ring is so cool! You will be able to pass that down to your own children and carry on this beautiful tradition. Do you have pics of this ring? How scratchy is it? You can look at: modifying it to be more your taste or using the center stone in another ring and keeping this as a special ocassion piece or just wearing your wedding bands once youre married. 

Post # 57
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Try not to focus on the proposal. Focus on all that is great with the relationship. Regarding the ring, I’d just tell your fiancé that  you appreciate the sentiment, but the ring is not your style. Either use the stone to make a new ring, or buy the ring that you want. You could keep the old ring and wear it on your right hand sometimes or something. Congrats!!!

Post # 59
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

View original reply
@fianced2020:  I’ll just say one more piece and then I will drop it and wish you luck in your engagement/marriage. But there are just so many red flags, we don’t mean to be mean but are just concerned. You don’t know when he fell in love as it’s not something he disclosed…doesn’t that strke you as abnormal? The man who loves you should be shouting it from the rooftops (metaphorically). As for the child, I agree that having a child is not a REASON to get married, but it’s also a huge commitment…a bigger commitment than marriage tbh. So it’s confusing when you (and he?) are okay with the lifelong commitment of raising a child (two children) together but are not in love and not ready to get married. All of that combined with the stuff you’ve previusly said…I GENUINELY hope you are not just brushing all this under the rug in the rush to get married. 

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