Feeling judged by friend

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

She sounds exhausting. What are YOU getting out of the relationship? Friendship is a two-way street. Sounds like she is projecting her own neuroticism onto you… no thank you. Have you spoken with her about this? I would. And if she isn’t receptive, I’d take a break from the friendship. 

Post # 3
Member
7169 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Do conversations with her always feel like that? Do you ever tell her “I don’t feel like having this conversation with you and I’d prefer to talk about something else.”?

Post # 5
Member
6160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Friends from college grow apart and oftentimes it’s best to make new friends that we have more common with into adulthood. The nostalgia of the college times could be making you try to stay in touch with her but she sure doesn’t sound like a boatload of fun.

Post # 6
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds to me like she’s insecure. People don’t generally need to shove their beliefs and ways of doing things onto others if they’re secure in them. She’s questioning your way of doing things because she’s actually worried that, if you’re happy with your way and it’s brought you success, HER way might not be so necessary–but she’s predicated her life on her way as Truth. So someone doing things very differently and being successful means that her Truth isn’t actually true; that’s a tough pill to swallow. 

Post # 7
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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caligirl3 :  I have a friend like this too. I’ve been in the same job for quite a few years, I’m not the ambitious type I’m just content meanwhile she is quite ambitious and sometimes certain things she says to me like questioning me about why haven’t I changed jobs etc makes me feel like she’s judging me. I do think it’s more insecurity on her part. She likes to talk herself up about her success and specifically point out if she gets more money etc. she’s quite materialistic and I’m so not like that so I don’t really care bout that stuff. It’s the one side of her that is a bit off putting I don’t know why she tries to impress me like that. Other than that she is a good friend. I definitely relate to how u feel

Post # 8
Member
6902 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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caligirl3 :  seems like you judge her lifestyle just as much as she judges yours. I agree she might be insecure, but is it possible that you are? If you are fully secure in your life choices, you probably wouldn’t feel the need to defend yourself when she asks questions. Of course it’s all in tone of voice but they don’t seem that awful to me, just nosy. Friends drift, that’s life, so if she’s draining you, just let it go for awhile and see if you’re happier without her. 

Post # 10
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

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caligirl3 :  

I definitely struggle with some friends who sound similar to this. I realized that while certain things are still fun, for my own sanity I had to “demote” one of them. I just cut the hangouts down to once every six weeks instead of every other week, and try to get us doing something rather than just getting food. We have a long history, she isn’t mean, I just don’t think she always recognizes the things she says and we’ve grown up and our values have changed.

i.e. Last year I was very excited to purchase my first condo. Her response was that she would never buy property as a single person. Owning property was for people in relationships. Fast forward six months, she and her boyfriend of six years break up, she has a melt down, I’m there for her, she really appreciates it. Six months after that she is looking at buying a home. I reminded her of what she had said previously and she said she didn’t remember saying that, but wasn’t surprised. Subsequently she changed her mind because her life changed. 

I’ve come to realize over our years of friendship that she has strong opinions that are based entirely on her current situation, but they can switch as soon as something happens to her. Maybe not her best quality, but she has other good ones. Again, just a once every six weeks type of person rather than every week or two weeks. 

Post # 12
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

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caligirl3 :  Misery loves company! And you’re not good company. smile

 She may feel the friendship has hit a fork in the road, and is scared you’re drifting apart. If you got married, and started a ball-busting career, you could be stressed and frazzled like her! If you were more like her, you’d be more relatable—but you’re not. Don’t let her make you feel badly about yourself. Never feel like you have to defend your choices. What’s good for her is not a one size fits all for everyone. Friendships like these can be draining, and it may be time to cut ties. 

Post # 13
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly it sounds like you kind of judge her life too. Maybe you two just aren’t suited to be friends anymore. 

Post # 14
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like she’s unhappy with her quality of life, and isn’t sure whether the sacrifice is worth it. By all means, remove yourself from the friendship if it’s healthier for you. If you want to stay, I’d approach it from a compassionate perspective – your friend doesn’t sound like she’s in a great place and has some big decisions to make regarding what kind of life she wants to lead. 

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