Post # 1
Hello! I’m in need of advice and I guess this is the right place to get it, which is why I’m here right now! It’s not about myself, I’m already married for nearly 4 years now. I’m unsure how to handle my hurt feelings over not being included in a “good” friend’s wedding ceremony. At the risk of sounding emotional. At any rate, I have a friend whom I’ve been close to for about 7 years now. We’ve eaten out together, travelled together, attended aerobics classes together. Planned holiday parties together. Gone to church together. The list goes on. I had this friend as my “honorable attendant” at my wedding nearly four years ago. Let me explain.. It was my second marriage and wedding, and so it was a small wedding. I even explained this to my friend back then, and I told her I only wanted our sisters and my one life life long best friend as bridesmaids because we were trying to keep it small. So, I had her as an honorary attendant. I still gave her flowers that day, and she did play a role by being in the program, and she passed out programs and helped serve cake. At any rate, at least I explained the situation to her.
Fast forward to now. She’s getting married in May of this year, and I’ve got a good feeling I’m not included as a lot of the plans seem to have already been made. When she texted me the night she got engaged, I told her how happy I was and that I’d love to help anyway I can. I told her I’d be willing to help someone throw a shower. I was obviously almost sure I’d be asked to be in the wedding. Fast forward three weeks, and texted me during my lunch hour one day and asked me if she could call me. I said sure, and I got excited thinking that she was about to ask me to be involved. But no, all she wanted on the phone was to see if could help her maid of honor plan a shower. I told her to email me her Maid/Matron of Honor info. I was hurt, but didn’t let her know it. Again, I’m just stating my true feelings.
Now, the Maid/Matron of Honor has texted me and expects me to help, and to help the cost, of a shower she’s planning at a local restaurant. To me, paying for that much is not necessary for me since I’m not even important enough to even be included in the wedding. I’ve gotten myself in kinda deep here. So what should I do? Oh and I found out later that my sister’s son (my nephew) is having his second birthday that same day as the shower. I texted the Maid/Matron of Honor right away to tell her, but she said she can’t change the shower date due to having already asked people to cover her for work that day.
So now I’m expected to miss my nephew’s party for someone that is making me feel a bit used and hurt and not including me anyhow?? Like I said, just looking for advice. I’ve been very close to this bride even more so the past few years, since my own wedding even, and I’m a bit surprised that I’m not even being asked to do anything except spend money on a shower. I asked the Maid/Matron of Honor why the bridesmaids can’t help with the showet, and she didn’t seem to like that question and didn’t answer me. I told the Maid/Matron of Honor I’d still help but that I’m not in the wedding, and so I thought asking the bridesmaids to help was reasonable. And she’s planning it on a day that I’ve got a big conflict/other commitment. Thoughts?
Post # 2
I think it’s really rude of them to ask you to pay. That is definitely for the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs and I would politely decline. I would offer to take care of some decor or plan a game or something because YOU did offer to host a shower to the bride. You could drop these things off in advance and still go to the birthday party. But they are out of line asking you to pay up.
Re you not being in the wedding- I would just get over it. You can’t pick every single lady you love and weddings are not tit for tat. So just suck it up graciously.
Post # 3
Maybe the Maid/Matron of Honor is the only one in the wedding party?
Also, you offered to help plan the shower, so I don’t think you should be complaining. I know you said you thought you were a bridesmaid, but I guess you shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion. I don’t think you can really fault her, she wasn’t a bridesmaid in your wedding.
She could very well have the same kind of thoughts too. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid but I had to help serve the cake, and hand out the programs….
I think you should help out at the shower since you offered to. You can decline helping with anything else though.
Post # 4
You made the commitment to the bride to help in any way you can, so by backing out of helping with the bridal shower you’re throwing your help away. She wasn’t in your wedding but she helped you out as much as she could. It Sounds like that’s what she’s doing for you. You’re a part of the wedding by helping her but maybe she had sisters and high school best friends too! TBH, it sounds like you’re being a little selfish
Do the shower because you said you would. You made the commitment to that before you knew about your nephew’s party. Be there for the bride like you said you would. Don’t throw away a 7 year relationship because you feel hurt.
Edit: this sounds meaner and more harsh than I meant it. You do need to talk to the Maid/Matron of Honor about the cost. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all of that responsibility
Post # 5
I can see her not being able to make you a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and it was the right thing for you to offer to help. But they should not be asking you to pay any part of it. If you had offered to pay that would be different. I think you should be at your nephew’s party instead. Yeah ok, the date cannot be changed, but were you really even asking them to change it anyway? Try to use the party as your excuse not to go and not to contribute.
That being said, you did sound slightly judgmental in your opinion of them having the shower at a restaurant. That is not uncommon and there is nothing wrong with that. If that is what they want then you should not be stating that it is not necessary. Sometimes it is more appropriate to have it at a venue as opposed to someone’s house.
But why can’t the BMs help? That makes no sense to me. They put you in such an awkward position, which was not fair.
Post # 6
gagirl32: Am I understanding this correctly? You offered to help however you could, she asked you to help, and now you’re upset about it? All because you don’t get to wear a matching dress and carry some flowers? I think you need to reevaluate your idea of helping and your relationship with your friend. It shouldn’t matter if you are a bridesmaid or not. Perhaps she didn’t like being an “honoured attendant” which sounded more like a servant to the guests (passing our programs and cake…???)
She’s asked you for help for a reason. Maybe she values your input or knows that you throw a killer party. Or maybe this is her way of getting you involved without making you a bridesmaid – something similar to what you did. If you can’t help, then you can’t. And you should tell her Maid/Matron of Honor that. It sounds like you are stuck on not being a bridesmaid (“not important enough”) and are focusing on yourself, rather than your friend. You should be doing everything you can to make this experience as special as possible for her.
Post # 7
I’m with previous PPs…I don’t get it. While I personally wouldn’t ask someone who isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man for financial help you DID offer to help. Why should you be in her wedding? She wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man in yours. She helped hand out programs and cut cake at yours. The people at my wedding who did those things were PAID so I think she was very nice to accept that job for your wedding. As far as your nephew’s bday party what time is that vs the shower? A birthday comes every year and a bridal shower for a friend obviously doesn’t. I would try and split my time or something.
Post # 8
Thanks for the opinions everyone. I do agree with many of them. No I’m not stuck on not being a bridesmaid, but I guess I was expecting to do something similar to what she did at my wedding. I wouldn’t mind handing out programs or something similar. And I was a little put off by being expected to pay for a shower at a restaurant, a seafood restaurant no less. Im not put off by HAVING it at a restaurant. Ive had a shower for a friend in the past and we all paid our own ticket and had a good time. I would have never expected one or two people to shoulder the cost. I realize I offered to help but I didnt mean offer to pay. And why cant i have a say in what day/time its being held?? Anyhow, No, the bride has no sisters so that can’t be it. I guess I was just looking for advice. I really dont want to miss my nephews party also.
Post # 9
It seems to me like her asking you to help plan the shower is her way of including you in the wedding. I really don’t think you should be offended by not being a bridesmaid- especially since she was not one of your bridesmaids at your wedding. Just like you had your reasons for not choosing her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’m sure she has her reasons for not choosing you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man as well. She obviously still values your opinion and wants to include you in wedding-related activities- that in itself is an honor!
Post # 10
You are well in your right to say no, and to attend your nephew’s party as well.
Perhaps she asked for your help in this since you had her act as a waiter at your wedding and serve the cake. If you viewed that as an “honorable” role, she may think you think this is just as honored.
Post # 11
gagirl32: I would just let her know that you have a conflict and won’t be able to attend the shower after all. I don’t think you’re oblilgated to contribute to a wedding shower at all, even if you did offer to help (for all she knows – you meant help with planning or cleaning up, etc.). You can’t attend – so you don’t pay for it, esp. if the Maid/Matron of Honor is so unwilling to choose a date that works for you.
Post # 12
Personally, I feel it’s rude to ask you to help “pay” for the shower, if you’re not a part of the bridal party. It’s one thing to help plan it and to be there to do the favors, etc, it’s a whole other thing to come out of pocket for an event. I would explain that while you’re happy to help with planning the shower and maybe doing the decor, etc, that you won’t be able to contribute financially.