(Closed) feeling left out?!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think it’s really rude of them to ask you to pay. That is definitely for the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs and I would politely decline. I would offer to take care of some decor or plan a game or something because YOU did offer to host a shower to the bride. You could drop these things off in advance and still go to the birthday party. But they are out of line asking you to pay up.

Re you not being in the wedding- I would just get over it. You can’t pick every single lady you love and weddings are not tit for tat. So just suck it up graciously. 

Post # 3
1497 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe the Maid/Matron of Honor is the only one in the wedding party? 

Also, you offered to help plan the shower, so I don’t think you should be complaining. I know you said you thought you were a bridesmaid, but I guess you shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion. I don’t think you can really fault her, she wasn’t a bridesmaid in your wedding. 

She could very well have the same kind of thoughts too. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid but I had to help serve the cake, and hand out the programs….

I think you should help out at the shower since you offered to. You can decline helping with anything else though.

Post # 4
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You made the commitment to the bride to help in any way you can, so by backing out of helping with the bridal shower you’re throwing your help away. She wasn’t in your wedding but she helped you out as much as she could. It Sounds like that’s what she’s doing for you.  You’re a part of the wedding by helping her but maybe she had sisters and high school best friends too! TBH, it sounds like you’re being a little selfish

Do the shower because you said you would. You made the commitment to that before you knew about your nephew’s party. Be there for the bride like you said you would. Don’t throw away a 7 year relationship because you feel hurt. 


Edit: this sounds meaner and more harsh than I meant it. You do need to talk to the Maid/Matron of Honor about the cost. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all of that responsibility


  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  acglandorf.
Post # 5
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can see her not being able to make you a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and it was the right thing for you to offer to help. But they should not be asking you to pay any part of it. If you had offered to pay that would be different. I think you should be at your nephew’s party instead. Yeah ok, the date cannot be changed, but were you really even asking them to change it anyway? Try to use the party as your excuse not to go and not to contribute. 

That being said, you did sound slightly judgmental in your opinion of them having the shower at a restaurant. That is not uncommon and there is nothing wrong with that. If that is what they want then you should not be stating that it is not necessary. Sometimes it is more appropriate to have it at a venue as opposed to someone’s house.

But why can’t the BMs help? That makes no sense to me. They put you in such an awkward position, which was not fair. 

Post # 6
1112 posts
Bumble bee

gagirl32:  Am I understanding this correctly? You offered to help however you could, she asked you to help, and now you’re upset about it? All because you don’t get to wear a matching dress and carry some flowers? I think you need to reevaluate your idea of helping and your relationship with your friend. It shouldn’t matter if you are a bridesmaid or not. Perhaps she didn’t like being an “honoured attendant” which sounded more like a servant to the guests (passing our programs and cake…???) 

She’s asked you for help for a reason. Maybe she values your input or knows that you throw a killer party. Or maybe this is her way of getting you involved without making you a bridesmaid – something similar to what you did. If you can’t help, then you can’t. And you should tell her Maid/Matron of Honor that. It sounds like you are stuck on not being a bridesmaid (“not important enough”) and are focusing on yourself, rather than your friend. You should be doing everything you can to make this experience as special as possible for her. 

Post # 7
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m with previous PPs…I don’t get it. While I personally wouldn’t ask someone who isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man for financial help you DID offer to help. Why should you be in her wedding? She wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man in yours. She helped hand out programs and cut cake at yours. The people at my wedding who did those things were PAID so I think she was very nice to accept that job for your wedding. As far as your nephew’s bday party what time is that vs the shower? A birthday comes every year and a bridal shower for a friend obviously doesn’t. I would try and split my time or something. 

Post # 9
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

It seems to me like her asking you to help plan the shower is her way of including you in the wedding. I really don’t think you should be offended by not being a bridesmaid- especially since she was not one of your bridesmaids at your wedding. Just like you had your reasons for not choosing her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’m sure she has her reasons for not choosing you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man as well. She obviously still values your opinion and wants to include you in wedding-related activities- that in itself is an honor!

Post # 10
13848 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are well in your right to say no, and to attend your nephew’s party as well.

Perhaps she asked for your help in this since you had her act as a waiter at your wedding and serve the cake.  If you viewed that as an “honorable” role, she may think you think this is just as honored.

Post # 11
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

gagirl32:  I would just let her know that you have a conflict and won’t be able to attend the shower after all. I don’t think you’re oblilgated to contribute to a wedding shower at all, even if you did offer to help (for all she knows – you meant help with planning or cleaning up, etc.). You can’t attend – so you don’t pay for it, esp. if the Maid/Matron of Honor is so unwilling to choose a date that works for you. 

Post # 12
35 posts
  • Wedding: August 2014

Personally, I feel it’s rude to ask you to help “pay” for the shower, if you’re not a part of the bridal party. It’s one thing to help plan it and to be there to do the favors, etc, it’s a whole other thing to come out of pocket for an event. I would explain that while you’re happy to help with planning the shower and maybe doing the decor, etc, that you won’t be able to contribute financially.

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