Post # 1
I’ve posted on WB before about my bridal party situation, so I will just give you the important details: I have been good friends with two women for I guess about 10 years now. I asked them to be BM’s in my wedding when I got engaged two years ago, and everything was fine. That is, until we started planning things and it was time for wedding stuff to begin.
Both of the girls have been consistently difficult and at times flat out rude during the wedding planning process. I do not feel as though I have been a bridezilla, but you can go back and read my previous post to see if you agree.
Lately, the two of them have been going out at least every weekend and sometimes during the week. I have not been included or even invited to hang out with them in about 6 months. This weekend I noticed numerous FB posts back and forth between the two of them (showed up on my news feed) talking about how they are the two “Bff’s” and how great each other is and how much fun they have together. It almost felt as though they were rubbing it in my face or trying to show off. Before all this, it was always the three of us. Now, I am totally excluded.
I have thought long and hard about it. It can’t be because I am getting married, because the one girl is planning her wedding as well. It can’t be that I have been a bitchy bride because I have bent over backwards for them, even going as far as paying for the one BM’s dress because she said she can’t afford it.
I don’t know what I should do. I feel stupid and lame confronting them and asking why I am being excluded. They are being so cliquey lately that I wouldn’t even feel comfortable bringing it up. The sad part is, these women are both in their mid 30’s. I just don’t understand why they would be so immature.
One of the girls told me one night (when she was drunk) that sometimes she doesn’t like being around me because I “make her feel bad about herself” and that I get all the attention when we are out. I don’t understand what she means by this….she always acts SUPER confident and I definitely do NOT get any attention when we go out.
Anyone have any suggestions or advice?
Post # 3
My suggestion is to reach out to them and plan a night out, no wedding talk allowed. Make it a major point to talk about and express an interest in their lives. Even if you don’t think you’ve outwardly done anything to offend either of them and they might be acting a little shallow and petty, it might help to get things back on track.
I try to be a very low key friend, but sometimes I have to keep myself in check and NOT talk about my daughter/pregnancy/my husband/my life in general all the time (even if I don’t think I really am, sometimes it can come across that way). Sometimes weddings hit a nerve with people, just like promotions and babies and home buying. We want to be happy for our friends but sometimes it can kind of suck if someone isn’t at a point in their life where they like, or where they thought they would be at a certain age.
Post # 4
@KatyElle: Thanks for the advice! It’s so strange though, because I made a rule to only bring up my wedding to friends when they ask me a question about it. But, the other one of my BM’s is planning her wedding (which is several months away) and they are always talking about her shower, bach party, wedding, etc, etc. They never ask me about mine so I don’t bring it up or talk about it with them. I just don’t get it….
Post # 5
@Legallyblondiebride: If it were me (and it’s not), I would just ask them individually. “I feel like there’s been some tension lately, what’s up?”
Even if they give you some bs answer or dance around the issue, you made the effort to be up front and resolve things. If they don’t tell you just say something like “Ok, well I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I really appreciate the help with my wedding and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me if there’s a problem.”
Post # 6
Be careful approaching them about it. I know that seems like the logical solution, but honestly if they’re immature enough to band together and intentionally leave you out knowing it’s hurting you, then I seriously doubt they will own up to it when you ask about it.
I am a popular scapegoat and have been left out over the years several times by different groups of girlfriends so I do have some suggestions. The only thing that has EVER worked for me in this situation is to do my absolute best to completely ignore what they’re doing. Keep on being normal around them when you hang out or send emails, but act like you have no idea they go out without you and if they’re blowing up FB lay low on the site so they don’t get suspicious that you’re commenting on everything except for their posts.
If you do this, I almost guarantee they will eventually have a falling out or lose interest in each other and the friendship will fizzle. There are two reasons this will happen: 1) The glue that tied them together and the high they’re feeding off of is making you feel bad by intentionally leaving you out. So if you aren’t affected by it then there’s no more glue, nothing for them to get high off of. 2) To be able to do this to someone in the first place means being a bad friend. So who’s to say they won’t eventually be bad to each other? It just goes to show what they’re capable of and how little respect they have for people who are supposed to be good friends.
The comment your friend made to you about making her feel bad about herself sounds to me like she’s trying to justify to you why she’s been hanging out without you. In the future if this happens again I would not let her get away with a statement like that, but at the same time don’t get confrontational. Just brush it off with “Well you’re taking crazy pills then because every guy I see is always looking at you”.
Post # 7
If you say something to them they are probably just going to say that you are jealous.
Post # 8
OP, isn’t it strange how friendships can change when wedding planning? In my experience, I grew closer with my truly good friends but the weaker friendships definitely fizzled.
@moderndaisy has a great point. If your friends are capable of doing this to you, who’s to say they won’t do it to each other down the line?
Post # 9
If I were you, I would call them and say, “Gee, we need to hang out. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” Just send them invites. Do fun girly things. try to recreate a fabulous night out from a few years ago where everyone had fun and still talks about it. “Hey, remember when we went to that place and did that thing! We sooo need to do that again. You free Saturday night? Girl party, woooo!”
As for that silly comment, people overinflate things when they are drunk. Drunk doesn’t necessarily mean honest, but it also doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt YOUR feelings. It would hurt mine, for sure. Tell her you’ve been thinking about it and its making you sad, that you want to fix it. hear her out whether you think it was true or not. You would be suprised how some people think about and view you. Maybe she’ll be honest about her feelings while sober, and you guys can work it out. You would be suprised what people will discuss when they feel safe. Plus, comments like that left to fester like leperous wounds lead to broken friendships.
I am one of those people that always feels left out, especially in situations like this, so I know what you’re going through. Just don’t let it fester, like I have in the past. Don’t worry about wedding etiquette when handling it, just worry about grown-up etiquette and you will be fine. /sorrysolong