Feeling Let Down By My Bridesmaids

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, my ladies are all broke, too. We did e-vites for my shower and bachelorette party, and my mom is actually paying for most of the stuff because my girls are pretty broke. I’ve respected this, and at the same time, I am paying for their entire ensemble for the day, including dress, jewelry, hair, etc. The dress is their gift. I feel like I "should" get them something more tangible, but the cash flow is running low.

That being siad, my mom commented that they DO need to chip in b/c that is their job and suggested they all go in on a limo for my bachelorette party. I do expect some kind of a gift, though, but when I was broke, I alwyas brought food. Even if one of my girls brings me a homemade cake, I’d be just as happy with that. It’s the thought that counts! 

All this handmade invite, over-the-top lavish thing, well, I’m one of those friends. If i do something, I go balls to the walls. But I don’t expect taht of everyone else. 

I love my friends and they are there for me, and I do expect some output of bridal jobs from them, but I also don’t want them to be overwhelmed by this. I think sometimes reading the blogs make you go "oh wow mine sucks in comparison!" but there will always be someone out there with the time and effort to go above and beyond. So try not to worry about it. As long as they love you and are good friends, that is more important than what they do and buy you. Although some effort IS appreciated. Maybe you have to drop some hints to your Maid/Matron of Honor, or even bring up the fact taht she spent X on a new purse or something. If she has her own spa, I think she should TOTALLY offer you a free service of some kind, how great would that be?! That’d be awesome. The money thing is a common excuse–my cousin can’t "afford" to come to my wedding but goes on vacations all the time, so my mom was like, "hmmm…yeah, right". Wish i had some more advice for you. i wouldn’t say I have slacker friends, but they aren’t exactly jumping through crazy hoops, either. Just the basics kind of stuff. I don’t know anyone in my life who is a hoop jumper except for me though.

Post # 4
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

ummm…..I am sorry. I really don’t get your post. Maybe becasue I am not the kind of person who expects/obligates receiving gifts from anyone. I personally feel that when someone gives me something they are doing too much for me. I only have one BM/MOH and she did throw me a bridal shower and really appreciated all she did for me. Having that said, I shopped for the food with her, even paid for of it, and helped her decorate the place for the shower. Out of all my "friends" only about 7 come, I it made me feel really good eventhough it was a small group. All I got from my bridal shower was a book, and a nice candle, that is enough for me. The fact that someone tried, even if it was mininal I appreciate always.

Again, I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um, this is purely my opinion but… I don’t think that there is anything that your BMs SHOULD have to get you as a bride. I’m not having a shower, a party, or anything. When people ask me what they should get us as wedding gifts, I say their presence is gift enough. My Maid/Matron of Honor is across the province, and can’t really help me with planning. She is a young student, so she definitely doesn’t have much money and I would never demand that she throw me a shower or give me a gift…

 On the other hand, I can understand how you feel left out with a lot of blogs showing really crazy neat showers and parties for the bride. Sometimes I feel that way. But each situation is different, and each bride is different. However, I would certainly apologize to the Bridesmaid or Best Man that you said that she should at least get you a gift from her own store – if that Bridesmaid or Best Man was me, I would have found that approach rude.

 Again, just me.

Post # 6
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am in a similar situation, although, I am not at the point where they are throwing me showers or my bachelorette party.  But I am sure once we get to the point It will be the same way.  My friends are the same way.  I picked the cheapest bridesmaids dress I could find and it took them so long to get the money to pay for the dress that we had to told off ordering them.  Even though the girl we had to wait for just bought an Iphone!  I understand that she works and goes to school part time, but I understand your frustration.  They knew that they were in my wedding since January, so saving $20 a month doesn’t seem too much to ask for.

I just try to be patient and honestly haven’t really talked to them much about the wedding.  I am the first one out of my friends to get married, so I don’t think they understand how hard it is to plan a wedding and that it makes it so much easier to have cooperative bridesmaids.  Just wait til it is there turn.  I know that is sad and it sucks, but it is not worth me getting upset right now. 

I hope things get easier for you!

Post # 7
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree that sometimes I think it’s hard to see all of the complicated parties that get thrown for fellow "bees".  Just try to remember, that these girls are your friends for a reason.  If something really bothers you, like this, talk it out on WeddingBee first, get your feelings out in the open, and then re-approach it with you friend in a more calm manner and see what she has to say.  I know sometimes half the battle is getting it off your chest, maybe this is one of those times?

Post # 8
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh, Spraguebride, I’m so sorry! I completely understand how you feel.. we read all these things in blogs and on boards about how these amazing BMs and MOHs throw these lavish bridal showers and bachelorette parties with hand-made embossed invitations with personalized stamps, and how they baked little mini-wedding cakes and DIY-ed charming little photo frame favors and what-have-you… but is that how it’s "really" supposed to be? I say no, not really. I think your ‘maids should be your nearest and dearest, and while yes, part of the responsibility of accepting your invitation to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is doing things for the bride, like hosting (or at least helping) showers and parties, this isn’t always the case for every bride. Personally, I think some girls nowadays don’t realize that ACCEPTING your invitation to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (you asked them to be a part of your big day, by no means do we brides INSIST on certain girls being BMs. They could have said no!) they are taking on a position of some responsibility that requires at least a decent effort. Maybe you should talk to your friend about this… perhaps she didn’t realize that by agreeing to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man then she would have to do these things. Maybe she thought "Cool, all I have to do is put on a dress and show up!".

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry that you’re feeling let down but understand that your wedding won’t be the same priority it is for you as it is for your bridesmaids. I’m assuming you chose your bridal party based on the relationship you have with them – and not because of their financial situation. In my honest opinion – I don’t think your bm’s need to throw you a shower..I don’t expect mine to either…there are no expectations. I have asked them to be MY bm’s b/c I want people I love standing with me when I get married. And if they DID throw a shower – I would take that as a gift and wouldn’t need anything else in addition to that (same goes for the b-party). Either way – I hope things work out between you and your bm’s.

Post # 10
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

i understand your frustration… i know there are lots of people saying you shouldn’t "expect" a gift from them, etc., but i agree that it’s hard to have BMs throw up their hands and say "i don’t have money, so i guess i can’t do any bridesmaid stuff… see you at the wedding!" without putting thought into some gesture. it’s easy to get wrapped up in who is giving what to whom, but what i hear coming through is that you’re disappointed that they don’t seem to be putting time and thought and love in, and you feel neglected.

it seems to me like you need to find a way to get yourself calmed down, regardless of what they do… you’re stressing a lot about something that’s out of your control.

do you have a mom or sister or aunt who can talk to your BMs? or maybe your Fiance can? maybe you need someone who is a little calmer and outside the situation to talk to them and say something like "i know money is tight for you, and please don’t let this wedding stress you out about finances, but you do all need to find a way to show spraguebride that you love her, and you need to find a way to give her some kind of bachelorette party. it doesn’t have to be expensive, it could be a handmade card at the shower, and a middle school-style sleepover party with a few bottles of wine, but the thought does count, and the fact that you seem to have given up on celebrating is hurting spraguebride."

Post # 11
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

i think a lot depends on how old your friends are and if any are married themselves.  Being the first to get married is a learning experience for the whole group.  I was probably a crappy Bridesmaid or Best Man the first time…I just paid for what I was told to pay for..I didnt really take the initaivie on anything, I just put out cash because I was able.  Now that several from my group are married, we know the routine and expectations.

That being said, I think you need to temper your expectations with where your friends are in life.  Most of my friends and myself are established, so of course I got a fancy party and great shower gifts.  They could afford it.  Now when we were fresh out of college and just starting to get on our feet, the expectations werent for la perla underware or destination bach parties. 

Post # 13
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

My bridesmaids weren’t broke, but I didn’t except anything from them at all.  I didn’t have a shower or bachelorette party and I didn’t care at all.  All they "need" to do is stand up with you on your wedding day and be your friend. 

Most books and websites about weddings are designed to make you think about all the things you need to buy in order to make your wedding perfect.  Really its just a ploy to get you and everyone around you to spend money.  Try not to think about the wedding and events leading up to it as a mechanism for getting things, and think of it as a way to express your love for your fiance to your friends and family.  

Post # 14
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Were you clear with them about how much it would cost when you asked them?  Maybe if she had known what you wanted out of her she would have stepped down.

I don’t expect gifts or parties from my BMs, just them showing up so I can enjoy their company and honor the support they’ve always given us.  Mine certainly aren’t hosting a shower (a couple in the area might help out, maybe), and if they’re all rounded up for a bachelorette party, I know none of them has the money to pay for themselves AND me out on the town for a whole evening.  I told them all to not bother with gifts – I felt terrible asking them to pay for their own dresses.  

What matters more than what you see other BMs do on blogs etc is what YOU expect and if you clarify it.  If your Bridesmaid or Best Man knew that you wanted x, y, and z as part of your bridal treatment and is willfullly just ignoring it, she should make both your lives easier and step down.  But I think unless someone is TOLD, they really may not understand what you want their role to be.  Hell, if someone asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man before I started planning my wedding, I would have been complaining about spending $$ and not aware of duties either.

Post # 15
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Although I know you are upset and are looking for support, I have to be honest and say that you should never "expect" a gift. You also can’t assume that your wedding is at the top of anyone’s priority list. You may think a bike is less important than your gift, but in her mind she might have been wanting/needing a bike for a long time. By the way $130 is relatively inexpensive for a bike. You chose to have a wedding and you can’t hold people to your expectations. Showers and bachelorette parties are events that people may or may not throw for you, it is not by any means a requirement. Planning those things are stressful, expensive, and time consuming. Again, it would be great if they did that for you but you surely can’t expect it. 

I think the best advice I can offer to you is that if you are ever a bridesmaid for a friend that you do all the things for that bride that you wish were done for you. Don’t be mad at your friends and just look at the bright side and focus on your upcoming marriage to the man of your dreams! 

Post # 16
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

spraqbride – after reading your response to everyone’s comments I think I can say that you have been mislead. It’s very true that wedding mags, blogs, books etc do say that is proper for the bridesmaids to host the shower. However, showers cost money and more times than not, the maids can’t handle that. Where I live, it is the norm for the bride’s mom to pay for the shower while the maids take care of the decor/favors etc. So really, what these sources are telling you isn’t always necessarily true.

I would also like to address your acceptance of these standards and bare with me, b/c I don’t want to sound rude. But, you are an adult and shouldn’t believe everything you read. It would have made sense for you to discuss these standards with your bridesmaids so that you could understand what they wanted to do and what they are capable of doing. From what you’ve told us, your friends aren’t likely to spend money on other people so that also should have raised a flag for you as to what you could expect.

It’s perfectly OK to feel disappointed in your friends. We have all been there. But I think there comes a time in all of our lives when we need to recognize what people can give and what they can’t. I’m a giver and a doer but some of my friends aren’t. I certainly don’t expect them to recipricate my actions simply b/c I did them in the first place. I do them, b/c its my way. I finally understand, after many years, that I can’t expect the exact same treatment from others. What I can expect is for them to be the best friend they know how to be. If their best isn’t enough for me, it’s up to me to no longer be their friend.

To address your original post – if you want a shower, discuss it with your family. See what they can do for you. A light lunch at someone’s house doesn’t cost that much and can be very lovely.

 

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