Post # 16
I am probley goin act a minority on this but i personally think if your husband has severe issues with her and wants nothing to do with her then you need to back him up and cut ties with her as well. Sorry but I believe that when it comes to family that family relationships need to be A joint thing. I don’t think you should have a relationship with her unless your so and her have a family relationship too. That’s just me.
Post # 17
Grown adults are responsible for their behavior. Nobody wants drunk, violent, verbally abusive people at their parties. So if your sister wants to be invited to parties she should stop acting that way. I don’t blame your husband. He’s got the right and healthy idea. Sharing DNA does not mean you have to put up with abuse and in your case real danger. I’ve had to cut very close family out of my life because I don’t want my husband and kids (or myself) to suffer the consequences of their poor choices. Of course it makes me sad but I don’t ever regret it for a minute. If my kids were hurt because I allowed these people around, that I would regret.
Post # 18
How is this even a question?
Leave and cleave, my dear.
It isn’t like your husband just doesn’t like your sister for some mysterious reason. She is an unstable and potentially violent individual with whom you can’t have a healthy relationship.
Post # 19
I find it really concerning that you stated both your sister AND her bf have both threatened your life. Yet you are about 6 months pregnant, and want to have her in your life, even though you stated you wouldn’t be ablue to bring her around your child. It sounds like she is violent and emotionally unstable, and your husband is trying to protect both you and your family. I understand she is your sister and you love her, but first and foremost you must protect yourself and your child. At this point, it sounds like it will be safer for you to not have contact with her, until and unless she changes her ways. It’s a very unfortunate situation. Please be careful OP.
Post # 20
You have tried to help her there is nothing else you can do you have to look after your family now. I get that you love her and you wish you could have a better relationship but it doesn’t look like your ever going to get that, yes you are family in that case she shouldnt threaten her own sister and you are at risk and so is your child. You dont know what shes going to do or when shes going to do it, and if I were you and your husband I would get as far away as possible and protect myself and family and keep it to phone calls, I wouldn’t even have her over on her own unless she is totally clean of alcohol she can flip at you abytime and then what?
It is difficult but better to be safe that sorry. I mean really would you even want your child to grow up around behaviour like that?
Post # 21
I would NOT be okay with putting my DH through a turbulent relationship like that. She offers nothing positive to your life. Why on earth would you want to put your marriage at risk for someone who obviously doesn’t love you kindly or sincerely. Narcissistic people like your sister do not want to change and they do not care what havoc they wreak. No way and I mean no way would I let her have any access to my children!! I mean, OP, come. . .on. . .really? Does that seem smart??
Post # 22
I am going to start by saying this: I’m not on your sisters side here, because there is no excuse for threatening your life or slashing your tires.
I have to agree with BookTea
on this one. My SO has epilepsy (he’s on Keppra, and he’s super ragey whenever we up his dosage, but that levels off after a few weeks). Guess what? He might have a seizure at the wedding, or during the reception, or at a number of events leading up to our special day. Shockingly, I am still going to let him attend the wedding, even if he makes a scene
with a seizure. He might even be drinking at said events. According to our neurologist, it’s not the drinking that actually causes the seizures, it’s the lack of sleep that goes with partying and being out all night. In addition, many anti-seizure medications cause people to metabolize alcohol differently. Has your sister always had seizures? If this is a relatively newer diagnosis, she may not be used to the way her body has changed. My Fiance is so low tolerance, it’s ridiculous. Two beers and he’s on cloud nine–and he used to be able to drink with the best of them. Also, having a seizure disorder can fuck up your world in a number of ways. Add her abusive and toxic BF into the situation and no wonder she’s having a hard time. My Fiance and I live paycheck to paycheck, because he can’t even work due to his epilepsy. Do you have any idea how expensive those drugs can even be? It sounds like you and your DH do a lot of judging–she clearly has a lot of alcohol problems, probably due to having a debilitating disease and not going to therapy. A lot of people think they can self-medicate that away, and we all know it doesn’t work like that.
I’m not saying you have to have her in your home or around your kids, but try to have a little bit of compassion. You’re married, with a baby on the way, and a stable life. It sounds like everything in her world is out of control, and she’s stuck living with a violent and abusive boyfriend because she can’t afford to go anywhere else. The last thing she probably needs is a self righteous sister telling her how she should be living her life.
Post # 23
Obviously, your DH fears for your baby’s safety. As long as all of your were with her during visits, that should be fine.
Post # 24
I want to – I spoke to DH last night and I said that maybe we can set some boundaries, maybe we can have her over for dinner, something low key, no drinking. Because I feel like when she is in a group setting she feels the need to drink to get comfortable? Thats the impression I get and maybe if its just the 4 of us she won’t feel the need to drink.
Also, my sister doesn’t take her meds consistently. Sometimes she misses a dose or two or three but then says that she smoked a joint to help her? I don’t know anyone else with a seizure disorder – but does this really help? She won’t let me or my mother go to the doctor with her so we can only go by her word when she says “well the doctor said its ok to drink and smoke pot, he actually said the pot will help” She also smokes cigs, I don’t think cigs has any effect on that except obviously her lungs. Which we have also tried to get her to quit being that our father passed away of lung cancer.
My sister has always had anger issues. She had a seizure when she was about 7, just one time. Then from the age of 15 she has had them consistently, so from the 7 to 14 1/2 she was seizure free. I am sure the seizure meds don’t help. She is currently on Vimpat and Atrium.
Yipeebee: Babily: Kelani23: desss:
I agree with all of you, I do. With a baby on the way it should be easy for me to say to cut ties, but its hard because I only have my mom and my sister. As difficult and horrible as the relationship is sometimes, I don’t have it in me to cut them off forever. Keep her at a distance, yes. Emotionally its hard because I want things to be good between us but we can be good for a few months and then as soon as she gets upset at something, she threatens, curses me out, etc. Thankfully my DHs family is great and I get along with them, and when I met him I felt like I was complete again because I had a family again. When my father passed away everything went downhill. I believe that a lot my sisters issues stem from losing him at 9 years old, my mother couldn’t control her, I tried to help but we just got pushed away. But the question my husband keeps asking is how much more abuse can you take? And I don’t have an answer. I just want things to be civil and if the only way to be civil is to have boundaries and have a distant relationship, I think I can be okay with that.
Post # 25
I have a few members with epilepsy in my family. I’ve spoken to their doctors.
most epileptics CAN drink unless stated otherwise…the only concern expressed by drinking is that SOME medication are processed by the liver, like trileptal, which can cause liver damage to 2% of patients….so by drinking, you increase that percentage. Drinking a glass or 2 isn’t an issue, but continous drinking and putting the stress of the liver and how it metabolizes the medication, as well as the sleep deprivation from a long party Is what spikes a seizure.
states that offer medical marijuana prescribe it to those with epilepsy stating it decreases seizures. I’ve read of families moving to such states just for those reasons….
Post # 26
I feel foryou in this situation, OP. However, you should absolutely respect your husband’s wishes regarding your child.
Post # 27
I’m really sad that your relationship is so hard. But please remember, you no longer have just a dysfunctional small unit of your sister and mother. You have your DH and all of his family who I’m sure love and care for you. You are living in a past truth. Do not ruin a beautiful future clinging to a toxic past and tricking yourself into thinking one day it will be perfect. It will either stay the same or get worse. And honestly, if you keep going the way you are you could seriously destroy your marriage, endanger your child and end up back in a place you did so well escaping. You are not making wise decisions because you are living out of guilt and fantasy. Look at what you have. Not at what you want.
Post # 28
thats the issue- she doesn’t have one or two, you know the big magnum bottles of wine- she can drink that to herself! When I had her over for new years she had come over early with my mom to help me set up and she drank the entire bottle before the guests started arrive, about 2 hours in she was slurring and falling. My mom had to leave early to get her home because she was starting to embarrass herself. She has had issues with other drugs besides pot, but has stopped bc it was interferring with her job. My sister has a great job, with health benefits and right now in the city we live in, its hard to find a job in her field that offers full time plus benefits if she were to lose her current one.
Right now, it seems the meds have been working, I don’t know if these meds contribute to her rage outbreaks, I would have never thought the meds had anything to do with it because she has always had rage outbreaks. She doesn’t keep up with counseling/therapy. It also doesn’t help that her BF is abusive. I told her I would help her look for a place, I offered her money to get started, nope, won’t do it, so what else do I do? I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. She has to help me help her- does that make sense? I don’t mean that in a selfish way, I mean that in a way where if you want to change your situation, you have to meet me halfway so we can get this process started. She has cried to me over and over agian that she wants to change her life and I will send her apartment listings and ask her when should I make an appointment to go see it, I tried to help her figure out a budget, I really don’t know what else to do. And now its interferring with my marriage.
Post # 29
I’m so sorry.
However, sometimes you walk away from people so they may realize they are ruining their lives, and making everyone else’s difficult. I wouldn’t invite her to the party, but maybe have dinner with her, as a PP said. She needs to understand what she’s putting you through.
At the same time, I don’t think you should completely cut ties with her. Try your best to help her, surround her with love, but don’t let her cause a strain on your marriage.
Post # 30
I don’t want you to think that I think you’re a bitch or selfish, because I really don’t. I just know that my SO was in a much similar place when I met him, and it took a lot of hand holding and encouragement and sometimes flat out doing things for him. Now that he has someone to help him navigate the medical system, etc. his epilepsy has become much
more manageable. Seizures are often caused by stress, and I can’t imagein a more stressful situation than what your sister is living with. My SO also smokes pot. I hate it, because I think it’s a waste of money, but it really does
help him. I think anti-anxiety meds may do the same, but then at that point it’s choosing a natural method vs a chemical one. He actually is trying to quit smoking, but every time he does, his seizures get worse. We aren’t sure if this is because the weed is actively helping
him or if it’s because there is additional stress put on his body from the withdrawals.
In any case, your sister needs a lot of love and support. You’re right, you absolutely cannot make her do anything to change her situation. She has to want to. My Fiance says the only reason he turned his life around is because he met me. He was on a very destructive path–lots of drinking and driving, brushes with homelessness, etc. He comes from a very unsupportive family and there was never anyone around to help him navigate these challenges. It sounds like you’ve made steps to reach out and try to help her, which is more than what my FI’s family has done. There are epilepsy support groups that could benefit her, and if you think she’s in real danger, you could have her put on a psych hold, and maybe that would help her get medicated and under control; though you risk permanently damaging your relationship if that happens. She also sounds like she needs to get into AA.
Again, I don’t mean to sound judgemental, I just know how hard these things can be for people and how much it matters to have support .I don’t blame you for not wanting her around your child, especially in her condition, but you can set firm and healthy boundaries.