(Closed) Feeling like I have to choose between my Husband and sister.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I am probley goin act a minority on this but i personally think if your husband has severe issues with her and wants nothing to do with her then you need to back him up and cut ties with her as well. Sorry but I believe that when it comes to family that family relationships need to be A joint thing. I don’t think you should have a relationship with her unless your so and her have a family relationship too. That’s just me. 

Post # 17
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Daizy914:  Grown adults are responsible for their behavior. Nobody wants drunk, violent, verbally abusive people at their parties. So if your sister wants to be invited to parties she should stop acting that way. I don’t blame your husband. He’s got the right and healthy idea. Sharing DNA does not mean you have to put up with abuse and in your case real danger. I’ve had to cut very close family out of my life because I don’t want my husband and kids (or myself) to suffer the consequences of their poor choices. Of course it makes me sad but I don’t ever regret it for a minute. If my kids were hurt because I allowed these people around, that I would regret.

Post # 18
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

How is this even a question? 

Leave and cleave, my dear.

It isn’t like your husband just doesn’t like your sister for some mysterious reason.  She is an unstable and potentially violent individual with whom you can’t have a healthy relationship.

Post # 19
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee

I find it really concerning that you stated both your sister AND her bf have both threatened your life.  Yet you are about 6 months pregnant, and want to have her in your life, even though you stated you wouldn’t be ablue to bring her around your child.  It sounds like she is violent and emotionally unstable, and your husband is trying to protect both you and your family.  I understand she is your sister and you love her, but first and foremost you must protect yourself and your child.  At this point, it sounds like it will be safer for you to not have contact with her, until and unless she changes her ways.  It’s a very unfortunate situation.  Please be careful OP. 

Post # 20
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You have tried to help her there is nothing else you can do you have to look after your family now. I get that you love her and you wish you could have a better relationship but it doesn’t look like your ever going to get that, yes you are family in that case she shouldnt threaten her own sister and you are at risk and so is your child. You dont know what shes going to do or when shes going to do it, and if I were you and your husband I would get as far away as possible and protect myself and family and keep it to phone calls, I wouldn’t even have her over on her own unless she is totally clean of alcohol she can flip at you abytime and then what?

It is difficult but better to be safe that sorry. I mean really would you even want your child to grow up around behaviour like that?

Post # 21
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would NOT be okay with putting my DH through a turbulent relationship like that. She offers nothing positive to your life. Why on earth would you want to put your marriage at risk for someone who obviously doesn’t love you kindly or sincerely. Narcissistic people like your sister do not want to change and they do not care what havoc they wreak. No way and I mean no way would I let her have any access to my children!! I mean, OP, come. . .on. . .really? Does that seem smart??

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Yipeebee.
Post # 22
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am going to start by saying this: I’m not on your sisters side here, because there is no excuse for threatening your life or slashing your tires.

However, 

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Daizy914:  I have to agree with 
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BookTea on this one. My SO has epilepsy (he’s on Keppra, and he’s super ragey whenever we up his dosage, but that levels off after a few weeks). Guess what? He might have a seizure at the wedding, or during the reception, or at a number of events leading up to our special day. Shockingly, I am still going to let him attend the wedding, even if he makes a scene with a seizure. He might even be drinking at said events. According to our neurologist, it’s not the drinking that actually causes the seizures, it’s the lack of sleep that goes with partying and being out all night. In addition, many anti-seizure medications cause people to metabolize alcohol differently. Has your sister always had seizures? If this is a relatively newer diagnosis, she may not be used to the way her body has changed. My Fiance is so low tolerance, it’s ridiculous. Two beers and he’s on cloud nine–and he used to be able to drink with the best of them. Also, having a seizure disorder can fuck up your world in a number of ways. Add her abusive and toxic BF into the situation and no wonder she’s having a hard time. My Fiance and I live paycheck to paycheck, because he can’t even work due to his epilepsy. Do you have any idea how expensive those drugs can even be? It sounds like you and your DH do a lot of judging–she clearly has a lot of alcohol problems, probably due to having a debilitating disease and not going to therapy. A lot of people think they can self-medicate that away, and we all know it doesn’t work like that.

I’m not saying you have to have her in your home or around your kids, but try to have a little bit of compassion. You’re married, with a baby on the way, and a stable life. It sounds like everything in her world is out of control, and she’s stuck living with a violent and abusive boyfriend because she can’t afford to go anywhere else. The last thing she probably needs is a self righteous sister telling her how she should be living her life. 

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by jillbean1217.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by jillbean1217.
Post # 23
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Obviously, your DH fears for your baby’s safety.  As long as all of your were with her during visits, that should be fine.

Post # 25
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee

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Daizy914:  I have a few members with epilepsy in my family. I’ve spoken to their doctors.

most epileptics CAN drink unless stated otherwise…the only concern expressed by drinking is that SOME medication are processed by the liver, like trileptal, which can cause liver damage to 2% of patients….so by drinking, you increase that percentage. Drinking a glass or 2 isn’t an issue, but continous drinking and putting the stress of the liver and how it metabolizes the medication, as well as the sleep deprivation from a long party Is what spikes a seizure.

states that offer  medical marijuana prescribe it to those with epilepsy stating it decreases seizures. I’ve read of families moving to such states just for those reasons….

 

Post # 26
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I feel foryou in this situation, OP. However, you should absolutely respect your husband’s wishes regarding your child. 

Post # 27
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Daizy914:  I’m really sad that your relationship is so hard. But please remember, you no longer have just a dysfunctional small unit of your sister and mother. You have your DH and all of his family who I’m sure love and care for you. You are living in a past truth. Do not ruin a beautiful future clinging to a toxic past and tricking yourself into thinking one day it will be perfect. It will either stay the same or get worse. And honestly, if you keep going the way you are you could seriously destroy your marriage, endanger your child and end up back in a place you did so well escaping. You are not making wise decisions because you are living out of guilt and fantasy. Look at what you have. Not at what you want. 

Post # 29
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’m so sorry. 

However, sometimes you walk away from people so they may realize they are ruining their lives, and making everyone else’s difficult. I wouldn’t invite her to the party, but maybe have dinner with her, as a PP said. She needs to understand what she’s putting you through.

At the same time, I don’t think you should completely cut ties with her. Try your best to help her, surround her with love, but don’t let her cause a strain on your marriage. 

Post # 30
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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Daizy914:  I don’t want you to think that I think you’re a bitch or selfish, because I really don’t. I just know that my SO was in a much similar place when I met him, and it took a lot of hand holding and encouragement and sometimes flat out doing things for him. Now that he has someone to help him navigate the medical system, etc. his epilepsy has become much more manageable. Seizures are often caused by stress, and I can’t imagein a more stressful situation than what your sister is living with. My SO also smokes pot. I hate it, because I think it’s a waste of money, but it really does help him. I think anti-anxiety meds may do the same, but then at that point it’s choosing a natural method vs a chemical one. He actually is trying to quit smoking, but every time he does, his seizures get worse. We aren’t sure if this is because the weed is actively helping him or if it’s because there is additional stress put on his body from the withdrawals. 

In any case, your sister needs a lot of love and support. You’re right, you absolutely cannot make her do anything to change her situation. She has to want to. My Fiance says the only reason he turned his life around is because he met me. He was on a very destructive path–lots of drinking and driving, brushes with homelessness, etc. He comes from a very unsupportive family and there was never anyone around to help him navigate these challenges. It sounds like you’ve made steps to reach out and try to help her, which is more than what my FI’s family has done. There are epilepsy support groups that could benefit her, and if you think she’s in real danger, you could have her put on a psych hold, and maybe that would help her get medicated and under control; though you risk permanently damaging your relationship if that happens. She also sounds like she needs to get into AA.

Again, I don’t mean to sound judgemental, I just know how hard these things can be for people and how much it matters to have support .I don’t blame you for not wanting her around your child, especially in her condition, but you can set firm and healthy boundaries. 

 

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